Peter King Lost His Blackberry!!!!

05.24.10 7 years ago 88 Comments

When we last left Bob Glauber fanboy Peter King, he was doing pretty good for anyone in the middle of something emotional. He was stuck on a blazing hot JetBlue flight! His roto league team is stuck in 11th place! Tom Coughlin’s phone rang while some kid was dying of cancer! Hard to keep it all together in the face of such adversity, but Peter King is no ordinary man. He’s a good nugget. Perhaps the goodest nugget of all.

So what of this week? Will Peter hit his verbal stride? What team that is completely lacking in a pass rush will he fall in love with? (HINT: It’s the Bears!) Does everyone in the Carolinas still love Jake Delhomme, even though they never actually did? Read on. This breakdown could work. OR IT COULD EXPLODE.

Quietly, near the end of a conversation about his Chicago Bears offense Saturday afternoon, Mike Martz said, “I’ve seen this before.”

Martz was clearly watching a tape of himself going for it on 4th and 13 from his own 30-yard line.

He was alluding to 11 years ago, when he took the offensive coordinator job in St. Louis and went to work under Dick Vermeil with an incredible offense that included Trent Green, Marshall Faulk, Torry Holt, Isaac Bruce and Az-Zahir Hakim.

Oh, so he’s saying the 2010 Bears resemble the ’99 Rams?

Well, lemme just check my handy REACH-O-METER to see where that comparison stacks up among other outlandish statements made throughout history:

REACH:

“Tiger Woods’ comeback from banging stray pussy is, like, 80 times harder than Muhammad Ali’s comeback from skipping Nam!”

LARGE REACH:

“This girl I banged last night was, like, a 9.2. No doubt. WAY hot.”

OBSCENE REACH:

“I can help rebuild America, IF YOU JUST FOLLOW MY 100-YEAR PLAN, which you will not live long enough to actually complete.”

1,000,000 LIGHTYEAR REACH:

“Hey, the 2010 Bears are the ’99 Rams. BOOK IT!”

The starting quarterback, obviously, became Kurt Warner after Green took the knee shot from Rodney Harrison in the preseason and was lost for the year. The Rams, 27th in total offense in 1998, went on to score 536 points with Martz’s there’s-always-someone-open offense.

But with this team, and this quarterback, he’s over the top, even for Martz — and I’ve heard him say some outlandishly positive things about questionable players before.

Mike Martz is usually full of shit. But this time, he’s SO full of shit, he might just be onto something.

“I never let hearsay and gossip determine what I think of a player, and I haven’t with Jay,” he said after the Bears’ Saturday practice. “What I’ve seen in him so far is he has no flaws.”

None?

”None.”

Are you certain it’s Jay Cutler you’re talking about? Perhaps you were looking at a recent photo of Kate Hudson now that she has tits?

”He’s got no ego.”

Holy shit. I want Mike Martz on my parole board if I ever go to prison.

“From spending five seconds with you, Drew, you don’t strike me as a child arsonist AT ALL!”

”I’m sure I’ve not met anyone as intelligent as him at quarterback.”

Dude, if you threw a rock at Jay Cutler’s head, it would take forty-five seconds for him to recognize something was amiss. “Oh, hey. A rock. Whatever.”

In Martz’s previous two coordinator gigs — Detroit (2006, ’07) and San Francisco (2008) — the teams finished 19th, 22nd and 23rd, respectively, in total offense.

Now there’s a pattern you gotta like!

Those numbers are partially the reason Martz was a short-timer in both spots. Unless Cutler throws a bunch of interceptions, the Bears shouldn’t finish that poorly.

Throw a bunch of interceptions? Oh, well he’ll NEVER do that.

(Jay Cutler threw 26 picks last year, and has averaged 21 picks a year over the past three seasons. Jay Cutler throws red zone interceptions as frequently as I sniff my armpits. It’s wholly possible he’s colorblind.)

This could be the old Chargers.

The Whelihan Chargers. And boy, do I miss them.

But the one problem that’s not going away is the raggedy offensive line. Thirty-five sacks wasn’t the total story last year for the Bears’ line.

Hey, they could be awesome if their QB (who throws lots of picks) doesn’t throw picks and their horrible o-line is magically good somehow!

This is the problem with the NFL offseason. It’s so long, and drawn out, and horrible, that it gives one time to ponder ideas such as, “Hey, Jay Cutler might not be a prick!” or “Hey, Mike Martz has still got it!” Nope. Not true.

On Brett Favre undergoing ankle surgery Friday that will facilitate him playing in 2010: Did you expect anything different? I mean, really?

Nope. Sure didn’t. ALTHOUGH WHEN HE TEXTED ME TWO WEEKS AGO HE SAID HE STILL WASN’T SURE. Will he come back? Perhaps. Will Matt Millen help a neighbor birth a calf and then strangle the fetus with its umbilical cord by accident, then burn the ensuing veal dinner? POSSIBLY.

After seeing Favre emotionally hug so many teammates and coaches after the NFC Championship game loss at New Orleans

Oh yeah, THAT is why I knew Favre is coming back. It’s not because he ALWAYS comes back. Or because he’s a glory whore who could never leave the game gracefully. No, no. It’s because he HUGGED someone.

Favre wasn’t loved by his mates with the Jets, who felt he set himself apart from them. Favre was loved by his mates in Minnesota, and he loved them back

They’re blokes!

all you had to do was see him and wideout Sidney Rice embrace for 45 seconds after the title game and whisper sweet nothings into each others ears and then dab their eyes when they let go of each other.

/hangs self
/disowns Vikings fandom
/reneges on disowning Vikes fandom, but still is displeased with the journoporn

On the New Jersey/New York Super Bowl: Notice I put New Jersey first.

LOOK AT MY MANIPULATION OF TEXT!

That’s because the 2014 Super Bowl would be played in New Jersey.

No way! I thought they were gonna hold the game at Carnegie Hall! Know how you get there? PRACTICE. Bill Parcells told me that joke coming out of the womb!

I doubt Pat Bowlen, who has wanted a Super Bowl for years in Denver, or Dan Snyder in Washington or Jeff Lurie in Philly or Bob Kraft in Foxboro would sit idly by while one northern city gets a Super Bowl, simply praising New Jersey as a wonderful place to spend a week in February four years down the road. In their words of praise will be a message: We want the game in 2017. Fair warning. I won’t think of this as the 48th Super Bowl or Super Bowl XLVIII. I’ll think of it as the Precedent Super Bowl.

ZOH NO! Not the Precedent Super Bowl! To think, this could be the slippery slope that leads us to one day watching a televised game that is played in DENVER! GAH! Have you ever been to Denver?! There’s fluffy snow and great skiing and the cost of living is relatively low and everyone seems pretty nice and IT’S HORRIBLE! I know! I saw that one movie! Someone might get shot in the asshole!

Quote of the Week III

“Night and day. Everything here is a little more relaxed, I guess you can say. There is a whole different vibe in the building. The practices, walkthroughs and meetings are a little more positive and calm.”

-Jason Taylor

“Everyone here talks about pussy!”

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

On a visit to Washington to tend to some USO matters last Wednesday, my wife and I visited Arlington National Cemetery for the first time.

And we learned people DIE in wars! I haven’t been this shocked since I found out there were slaves in Tennessee!

In the midst of watching the changing of the guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, we heard distant rumbles, like thunderclaps. Those were no thunderclaps. They were rifle volleys, fired at the interment of a former service member. I didn’t realize how active a cemetery Arlington still is.

I thought the dead people there just stayed in their graves. But no! They crawl out at midnight and do the “Thriller” dance, which is SENSATIONAL. But there are NO Starbucks anywhere in that joint! Who runs this place? Harvey Greene?!

I left my Blackberry in a taxi after being dropped at Walter Reed Army Medical Center early Wednesday afternoon. If the cabbie (a nice Ethiopian fellow who coaches youth soccer in Takoma Park, Md.)

“Oh, you coach youth soccer? Well, my kid played field hockey in Montclair! Pull over on the side of the road and I’ll take you through my eight years of score books.”

…who finds my phone would be so kind as to contact me at si.peterking@gmail.com, there’ll be a reward in it for him.

DINNER FOR THREE AT THE CAPITAL GRILLE WITH ME AND MATTY LIGHT! Stories galore!

People, there’s only one way to help Peter: ransom notes. Each one more demanding than the last. Demand money. Demand trees and talk. Don’t give him back that Blackberry back without squeezing a Kit Kat or two out of the man.

By the way, I stupidly never downloaded the contact list from the phone onto my computer, so I’ve got to regenerate my phone list.

NO! That’s terrible! Your voice mails! What about all the voice mails Romo left you from the Byron Nelson Classic?! HE SAID HE WAS FEELING SUPER! NOW YOU’LL NEVER HAVE THAT MOMENT AGAIN!

So those of you who have given me your cell and home and office numbers over the years would be so kind as to e-mail them to me at that address, I’ll be indebted.

“Hi Peter! It’s me, Trent Green. My contact info is the same as ever: Trent@rentboy.com. Email often! I’ll come right to your door if you want!”

Thanks. And don’t worry, I have the phone password-protected.

Oh, thank God. I’d hate to see DeMaurice Smith’s home phone number fall into the hands of a bin Laden.

There are some pretty good numbers there, but they won’t be falling into the wrong hands.

That’s what YOU think, Mister!

/strokes Peter’s Blackberry menacingly
/calls Pam Whiteley, breathes heavily into phone for ten seconds, hangs up

Washington has to be the best walking city in America.

Dude, the Lincoln Memorial is ninety miles from any goddamn Metro stop. Its staircase is littered with the corpses of old people who died from heat stroke.

Nationals Park is a pleasant venue, with lots of creature comforts. The best: Peroni on tap, all over the ballpark.

You know what I love when I go to a ballpark? Overpaying for Italy’s cheapest beer, ON TAP!

Interesting NFL thing about (Jozy) Altidore. He wants to buy season tickets — a box, really — to the Dolphins games. Big Miami fan. But he says he’s not there enough to make it worthwhile.

Interesting thing about Jozy Altidore. He once got a direct mail piece from Verizon offering him FIOS for just $135 a month. But he decided against it. HELLUVA STORY.

By the way, I’ve asked my Twitter followers to vote by noon today whether they want me to Tweet on soccer from South Africa between June 10-26 (I’m back home after the Group Stage), or stay idle.

Oh no, you gotta tweet, sir. Who else is going to tell me South Africa looks “grimy” and “nuanced”?

I think I’ve heard reliably the Saints will lock up running back Pierre Thomas before training camp begins, which is smart. I’ve said it before and will say it as often as I have to for people to believe it: Thomas was the unsung hero, times four, of the Saints’ Super Bowl.

He’s four unsung heroes! He’s the Fantastic Four, if they Fantastic Four didn’t wear costumes and were relatively underappreciated!

I think there’s little doubt Wes Welker is ahead of where anyone thought he’d be right now, after February surgery on his knee and shoulder.

OW-AH KNEES HEAL FASTAH THAN YOUR-AH KNEES!!!!!

Three months post-surgery, he was dancing to “You Should Be Dancing” by the Bee Gees Saturday night at the Magic-Celtics game in Boston

THAT’S OW-AH WELKAHHHHH! HE LOVES HIS C’S! AND HIS B’S! AND HIS P’S! AND HIS AHHHHH ESSES! AND HIS BG’S!!!!

I think this is just a hunch, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Terrell Owens signs with Washington.

Breaking Hunch!

(joke written by KOGOD)

I know this from talking with Whisenhunt at the Tom Coughlin golf tournament last week in Florida: He really likes Derek Anderson.

As a golfer?

Boy, it’s just “puff up shitty QB’s week” this week, innit?

10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:

a. So sue me. Never watched Lost.

I’LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU.

It was fun being with Vermeil last week at the Coughlin tournament. Such a sunny person. So happy to talk about anything — football, life, wine, the human race, whatever.

“Dick, let’s talk about the human race.”

“Okay.”

“There are TOO many guns.”

“Yup.”

“And you cannot pay firefighters enough. They fight FIRES. So important.”

“Yup.”

“Do you like the Indianapolis airport? I think it’s a stunner.”

Glad to see him doing well in the early stages of his wine business, and his wine is so good.

It’s so good, he should be a Hall of Famer!

My favorite wine these days come from Rubicon, in the Napa Valley. That’s the premium Francis Ford Coppola stuff.

Oh, the stuff that’s $8 at my local Shop and Save?

I’ll stack up his Cask 2005 Cabernet against anything.

EVEN THE ’99 RAMS?!

I wish there were 28 hours in a day. I’d use the other four to make progress in The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.

I read that book. I only have one problem with it. When a white person gets shot at while jogging, they WILL alert the cops afterwards. They will never decide to keep it to themselves. That’s just First Grade in White Personology 101.

I see Jonathan Broxton woke up.

ABOUT TIME! Now let me tell you about a trade the Florida Marlins may or may not make…

I traded Roy Halladay, in a big package that netted me Pablo Sandoval and Corey Hart…

This guy?

GOOD VALUE!

…and I picked up Scott Rolen.

Didn’t Scott Rolen die five years ago?

Had no choice.

Except to not trade Roy Halladay.

I can’t hit. I’ve cast my miserable hitting lot with Pablo Sandoval now, who’s got to wake up and be the stud he was last year.

Mike Martz says he SEES something in him!

Enough of the whining, David Ortiz. It’s beneath you. It’s ridiculous.

YOU AHHH NAWT WORTHY OF OW-AHHHH SUPPORT!

I really miss New Jersey. Not enough to move back, but I have so many good memories of the place. The softball. The pizza. The family life.

The nutmeg.

The Star-Ledger on the doorstep. Wouldn’t trade our 24 years there for anything.

BUT DON’T PLAY THE SUPER BOWL THERE!!!!

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