When we last left the Omni Berkshire’s BFF, Peter King, he was demanding more pumpkin in his beer (in accordance with German pumpkin beer purity laws), carefully maintaining football’s Axis of Normalcy, and issuing a stern warning to Red Sox management about drinking on the job. Meanwhile, PETER WOULD YOU TO KNOW ABOUT ALL THE TASTY BEERS HE HAD WITH BILL PARCELLS LAST WEEK.
So what about this week? Will Ben Cherington heed Peter’s dire warnings? Will Adam Sandler cotton to any of Peter’s movie ideas for him (“CHIMP ON A TRAIN”)? And is there any way we could encase Pittsburgh Phil in cement and seal all his major orifices? READ ON.
In the span of seven days at home, the Eagles blew their season by doing what they’ve done all year: disappear down the stretch.
But how can that be? Juan Castillo made sure to meet with every player on defense personally! They sat in beanbag chairs and watched “Game of Thrones” DVDs together! That’s how you BUILD chemistry. I’m shocked that actual football strategy has played such a huge role in their defensive woes.
The 3-6 Eagles have been to fourth quarters what John Lackey is to baseball free agency.
OH MY FUCKING GOD, REALLY? Not wasting any time this week, are you? In other news, the Falcons Bucknered their chance at a Keith Foulke moment by totally Grady Littling their game against their NFC South Yankees. OH HOW I LOATHE YOU.
1. Tim Tebow came, he saw, he ran the Veer, he conquered.
Oh, I can see the puff in Peter’s chest as he types that up.
On a gorgeous 67-degree day in Kansas City…
67 degrees? And all the Chiefs fans stayed in their seats? BRAVERY.
…with weather being no factor…
The Super Bowl should be played in Kansas City in November every year!
…the Denver Broncos completed two passes, never trailed and forged a three-way tie for second place in the mighty AFC West. Denver 17, Kansas City 10. Victories since Oct. 23: Tebow 3, Tom Brady/Michael Vick/Philip Rivers (combined) 2.
ZOMG!!!111!!!111!!! He’s better than all three of those QBs combined! He’s got Vick’s legs, Brady’s head, and Rivers’ aversion to masturbation!
Interesting little turnaround the 8-1 Niners have coming up: home with Arizona Sunday, then at Baltimore four days and three time zones later.
Enough with the Niners travel schedule. I get it. They have to fly a lot. OH NO! At one point in the course of four days, they’ll have to sit in a chartered plane for five hours! How on Earth could any team prepare themselves for a football game after being subjected to that WITHERING schedule? What if it’s 47 degrees in Baltimore? WHAT THEN? Shouldn’t the game be canceled?
…as I said on NBC last night, Indy’s all but clinched the first pick in the April draft.
Yeah, right! There’s a snowball’s chance in Phoenix of that happening! MAYBE.
How do you not love what the Broncos are doing?
Because I don’t love the Broncos.
We media geniuses have had our fun in the last few weeks. Tebow will never make it.
Tebow can’t transition to the NFL.
Tebow’s game is a college game.
It is. Yesterday proved it.
The Broncos are playing the guy just to show the fans it can’t work, and then they’ll move on to a real quarterback.
They are. The Jets will beat them by 30 this week.
“After a while,” coach John Fox said from the Broncos locker room Sunday, “you come to the realization that Ernie Els’ golf swing is different than Lee Trevino’s, but it’s what they’re comfortable with, they both work, and they both win.”
Fox then went down to the team’s basement and hung himself with his own belt.
Can it work long-term?
…but who knows?
EVERYONE KNOWS! Will you sack up for once, god dammit? “Hey, the Broncos just won a game against an awful team by completing two passes. Can that hold? No, BUT ALSO MAYBE YES.”
Tim Tebow hasn’t completed 50 percent of his throws in any of the five games he’s played this year …
(pause for dramatic effect)
…and he’s lost only once.
BOOM PLOT TWIST. EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG, EXCEPT THAT IT PROBABLY ISN’T.
San Francisco’s very quietly putting together a Pittsburgh-type of run-defense season.
Semi-Pittsburghish, but executed in an incognito, Falcons-esque kind of way.
Through nine games, the Niners haven’t allowed a rushing touchdown. Think of that.
IMAGINE it. VISUALIZE it in your mind.
Imagine some of the playoff matchups. Niners against Matt Forte. Niners against Michael Turner … or the Niners shutting down Green Bay’s run…
Everyone can shut down Green Bay’s run.
…and making Aaron Rodgers throw it 45 times.
Yeah, I’m pretty sure the Packers wouldn’t be alarmed by such things. Oh noes! You mean we have to count on our Super Bowl MVP quarterback, who is currently having one of the greatest seasons ever, to win the game for us? FUCK.
A few words about Penn State from a student I know well
I asked Emily Kaplan, a friend of mine from New Jersey, a Penn State junior, and a writer for the campus paper the Daily Collegian, to write something about how the campus was dealing with the Sandusky/Paterno crisis.
Well, at least it’s not Peter writing about the scandal. What’s that? He writes about it later on? Oh, God. Well, let’s see what Emily has to say…
We are a school with a glorious tradition, a school dedicated to doing things the right way. Our longtime father figure, Joe Paterno, taught us that.
HE’S NOT YOUR FATHER FIGURE. YOU PROBABLY NEVER EVEN MET THE FUCKER. DON’T YOU SEE THAT BLIND WORSHIP IS WHAT GOT YOU IN THIS SHITPILE?
Minnesota comes to Lambeau Field tonight. Remember when Vikes-Pack was a game of the year?
FUCK YOU! IT’S STILL REAL TO ME, DAMMIT!
And now? It’s an interesting game because of the color of the uniforms. But Christian Ponder versus Rodgers at Lambeau has the feel of Idaho versus Alabama at Tuscaloosa.
The Vikings played Green Bay less than a month ago and could have won if Leslie Frazier hadn’t been a complete pussy. And the game would have been even closer had it been played in Wichita.
I underrated the Texans too long.
Even when we’re not underrating the Texans, we’re underrating them. They are the Trent Cole of AFC South teams we underappreciate.
The fact is, the consistency with teams like New England and Pittsburgh is what I wonder about now.
There’s you PK Tortured Sentence of the week. Facts, I wonder them.
I don’t intend to make Rex Ryan choke on his Pop Tarts this morning, but the Jets and Patriots have met three times in the regular season in the last calendar year. Pats 3, Jets 0. Score: Pats 112, Jets 40.
You can practically hear Peter high-fiving Belichick as he writes that.
13. Atlanta (5-4). I wouldn’t worry about that fourth loss too much.
Oh, you mean the excruciating game they lost in overtime against their key division rival? A game they lost in the most painful way imaginable? Yeah, TOTALLY NOT A PROBLEM.
I can’t criticize (Mike) Smith quite as much as I did Bill Belichick a couple of years ago, because the Falcons had to make about eight inches against the Saints with a good short-yardage back in Michael Turner, and the Patriots had to make two yards against the Colts.
But the Patriots were up by SIX FUCKING POINTS. Crazy how something as unimportant as “context” ends up mattering! Also, the Pats lost their first playoff game that year in horrendous fashion. But don’t worry, Falcons fans. I’m sure your team has NOTHING to worry about.
Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me
In April 2005, Centre County (Pa.) district attorney Ray Gricar, who decided not to bring child-assault charges against Jerry Sandusky after an incident with a young boy in 1998, disappeared without a trace in Pennsylvania and has never been heard from since. His car was found in Lewisburg, Pa., near the Susquehanna River, and his laptop computer was found in the river.
In May 1996, Gricar’s brother Roy, who lived in southwest Ohio, disappeared not long after being fired from his job in Dayton. His body was found days later in the Great Miami River. His car was found parked near the Great Miami River, and authorities ruled his death a suicide.
Reader Brett says: “PK’s Factoid of the Week THAT MAY ONLY INTEREST HIM is about two unsolved murders.”
I don’t know what that means.
Well, I for one think those two unsolved murders clearly mean that the Broncos can win the AFC West with a veer offense.
I just find it a horribly bizarre coincidence…
Way to go, Columbo. No one else was thinking that at all. Everyone else was just like, “The DA disappeared? Well, that’s a fun NUGGET!”
Jesus fucking Christ.
Walking down Second Avenue in Manhattan about 11:30 Sunday morning, I noticed three 25ish people walked toward me.
Combined, they were 75ish.
A woman was flanked by a man in a black Maurkice Pouncey Steelers jersey and a man in a black Hines Ward Steelers jersey. They seemed to be in search of a Steelers bar to watch the Pittsburgh-Cincinnati game.
I hope they found the front of a moving truck instead.
The guy in the Ward jersey was singing, “Here we go, here we go, Pittsburgh’s goin’ to the Super Bowl.”
If you’ve been in Pittsburgh to see the Steelers, you know exactly what that song is.
Oh oh! It’s “More Than A Woman”, isn’t it? TRICKY TUNE.
Only in New York, kids. Only in New York.
YOU’RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE AND I WANT TO JUMP OFF A RAILING BECAUSE OF IT.
Tweet of the Week II
“Shame on PSU riotters. The only message they are sending is we are becoming a morally bankrupt society.”
— @daryljohnston, the former Dallas running back and current FOX analyst.
Guud insite, Darril.
f. Nice job on James Harrison, Andrew Whitworth.
PETER’S NOTE TO SELF: “Make all personal messages to players sound like they were written on the inside of a greeting card.”
i. FOX had a good stat about Drew Brees in the second half: He’s completed at least 20 passes in 30 straight games. All I could think when I saw that is that Tim Tebow has a long way to go.
Then again, why CAN’T he win every game by just throwing two passes? IT’S A CRAZY WORLD WE LIVE IN, GANG.
m. Marshawn Lynch, Sunday’s definition of workhorse.
He led the league in workhorseitude, people.
n. Good find, Niners, in Carlos Rogers.
That’s barely English.
o. I don’t remember ever seeing Karlos Dansby not playing hard.
Karlos Dansby always plays hard.
Thomas DeCoud gets beat for a touchdown and a couple of minutes later makes an easy tackle and celebrates like he just won the Super Bowl. Emote, fine. Be professional, better.
Again, that’s Peter’s actual writing. I didn’t alter that paragraph in any way. It’s just out there, exposed, on the side of the road like a fucking mangled deer. Get beat for touchdown, bad. Big celebrate, WORSER.
k. The Ravens. Don’t give me any excuse about a cross-country trip. Stupid. That is a ridiculous loss.
In other news, OMG DID YOU SEE HOW MANY TRIP EAST THE NINERS HAVE TO MAKE? HOW COULD YOU BLAME THEM IF THEY LOST THAT BIG THURSDAY NIGHTER?!
I think you probably shouldn’t ask the coaches in these Thursday night games how they like them. Imagine you’re the Jets.
Oooh! I can no longer catch easy picks or recover muffed punts!
The NFL schedules you to play Sunday night at home and then Thursday night, two-thirds of the way across the country.
Fucking modern day slavery, is what it is.
I think I found it interesting in the wake of the Penn State scandal to note that lots of NFL scouts and personnel people do not like Penn State and hate going there.
THIS JUST IN: People tend to avoid going to barren rural Pennsylvania wasteland!
I was told by more than one front-office official of a team how hard it was to scout Penn State players… Penn State normally has one week in the fall, maybe two or three days, when scouts are allowed on campus. Sometimes it’s the team’s off week, so when scouts come in, they don’t see the players or their practice if the coaches have given the players a day or two off.
That’s actually pretty interesting.
I wondered whether that might have made any difference on draft day. It’s impossible to draw any significant conclusions…
NO! No, you idiot! You just had the evidence presented before you! SEAL THE FUCKING DEAL. Make the leap in logic. It’s not THAT hard.
…but it’s interesting.
OMIGOD I CAN’T BE HERE.
I think these are my Penn State thoughts.
Letting a kid get raped in the shower? LACKEY-ESQUE. And let me just issue a stern warning to Penn State’s interim President right now: Do NOT underestimate our anger towards PSU players drinking beer and eating fried chicken. The whole pederasty thing? WHATEVER. I’m talking about REAL affronts to professionalism.
I believe (Joe Paterno) deserved better than to be fired on the phone Wednesday night…
1. No, he didn’t.
2. Media scrutiny and Paterno’s intransigence made it virtually impossible to meet with him face-to-face.
3. In a way, it very much reminded me of the way the Sox fired Terry Francona. CLASSLESS.
…particularly because there’s so much we don’t know about the case that caused him (justifiably) to be terminated.
There’s so much we don’t know, except that we DO know enough to know that Paterno should have been fired, BUT we don’t know enough to know that it shouldn’t have been done by phone. Call it 40% knowing.
I’ve had football people tell me in the last few days just what Barry Switzer said the other day: Paterno had to know what was going on with Sandusky over the years, and the same with members of the staff. They had to know. I think there’s a good chance that is true.
Call it 56:1 odds.
But do we know Paterno knew?
/reads grand jury report
I’m having a little problem with the angry national supposition that Sandusky is suspect 1 and Paterno 1a.
Or, if you’re putting it in PK bullet points, your suspect list looks like this:
XXXg. Mike McQueary/Josh Beckett
b. I worry about the NHL.
I do not share your concerns.
Last week, on the same night, all starting at 7 p.m., three teams within 35 miles — the Islanders, Rangers and Devils — all dropped the puck.
Coincidence, or NAZI TRI-STATE HOCKEY CONSPIRACY?!
And 97 miles south of the Devils’ rink in Newark, the Flyers played. Also at 7.
GAHHHH SEVEN! Why can’t they stagger these meaningless regular season games? How is one ever to keep up?
c. And Quebec City can’t get a team?
d. And you needed a separate bullet point for that? Be professional, better.
d. I Rick-Perried on Friday night on our NBC SportsTalk NFL preview show on Versus…
You executed an innocent man?
…stammering until I remembered Tampa Bay GM Mark Dominik’s name. Thing is, I remembered.
PK FOR PRESIDENT! FREE NON-BITTER COFFEE FOR ALL.
e. Had fun Friday night at the Rawlings Gold Glove awards in Manhattan.
Of course you were invited. After all, you’re a baseball writer.
1. Pitchers were drinking!
2. Stories. Vin Scully has them.
3. Derek Jeter. What a country.
Mark Buehrle looks like a bowler from the Midwest, which he is …
It’s like someone jammed a screwdriver into my brain and won’t top turning it. Honestly. Deservedly. Hey, here’s a guy who looks like something he is!
The guy who got the loudest ovation of the night would surprise you.
… I could not stop howling at Jerry Seinfeld’s 50-minute set.
“You ever notice how my whore wife’s cookbook is NEVER prominently displayed at Barnes & Nobles anymore? WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THAT?”
Never saw him do standup live. Big mistake.
It’s a piece of your innocence you may never get back.
“One thing I got out of the 2011 season as a Mets fan: Found out there are three Gatorades,” he said…
Actually, there are quite a few more than that, any of which Peter is more than happy to fetch for you at a moment’s notice.
…and revved into how, for years, the “green bilge water” (his words) sufficed, and now we have to drink something before, during and after our workouts to survive. You had to be there.
I WASN’T THERE. NONE OF US WERE. Don’t you understand why that makes your story useless and maddening?
Weirder casting job: Philip Seymour Hoffman as Art Howe? Or Leonardo (I Was Just The Kid in Titanic) DiCaprio as J. Edgar Hoover?
“Titanic” was made 14 years ago.
Coffeenerdness: Too many baristas in Manhattan get Starbucks drinks wrong.
GET THAT SOY CRAP OUTTA MY FACE.
Some of these stores are so overrun with customers that the assembly-line-ness of it all must get to them.
Indeed. Now, Peet’s! There’s a joint that’s lacking in assembly-line-ness.
They hurry, they err, and all you want to do is get out of there so you don’t make a big deal that the barista has screwed up the drink.
It’s a tragedy on par with child rape.
Not a big beer week for me. Don’t you just hate when work intrudes on life?
You went to a fucking awards banquet for work.
Jonathan Papelbon? I’ll miss him.
But not his chickeny-eating slothness!
But at some point, I’m glad to see some slight fiscal responsibility for a guy who was pretty adventurous a quarter of the time, maybe more.