Peter King’s Twete-a-Twete With Boston Izzo’s Spiritual Godfather

05.26.09 8 years ago 60 Comments

When we last left car-shunning douchebottle Peter King, he was proudly declaring Yogi Berra the greatest baseball player alive, still agog that you people living in cities NEVER TOLD HIM JUST HOW WONDERFUL LIVING IN A CITY CAN BE, and bragging about leaving his car unattended despite promising readers he would stop doing so. But then how would I know if he beat his personal record of 11 days without driving?!

But before we get into this week’s batch of King-approved tard scraps, a very brief detour. Or should I say… tweetour? Huh? Huh?

Here’s a quick King tweet from yesterday morning:

@RickLawson69 : Hey Rick, I’m a big tough guy. I can take care of myself. But thanks for having my back.

Naturally, this piqued my curiosity. Who is this Rick Lawson fellow? Why does he have Peter’s back? And does he like 69’ing as much as I think he does? Well people, a simple click of the mouse answered all those questions, and took me to one of the greatest Twitter feeds ever. People, I give you the brilliant tweets of RickLawson69.

@SI_PeterKing Hey Peter if you get grief for writing about the Patriots this week send them my way to kiss my ass.

I know what you’re asking. Does Rick Lawson follow Dane Cook? Sure does!

@SI_PeterKing did you make sure to begin your article by saying Bill Belichick is God!!

No Rick, for that would prove far too subtle for Peter.

Check out all the Celebs at Fenway. Tommy Lee Jones and Rob Schneider. I guess we are the LA of the East

And isn’t that a distinction to be proud of. Hey, we’re like the douchebag capital of the West of the East! SCHNEIDAH IS OW-UHS!

@Alyssa_Milano you would be the perfect woman except that you aren’t a Red Sox fan. Everyone knows Boston teams rule!!!

YOU SHOULD BE FACKIN’ PEDROIAH! NO ONE DENIES THIS! MAYBE THEN I’D LET YOU BLOW ME!

Angels and Demons was great. A must see if you are a fan of quick paced mysteries!!

I’m sold!

@richeisen Rich could you start every NFLTA by saying Bill Belichick Is God?

He’ll try and work it in, Rick. But perhaps you could make the same request of, oh, 500 other NFL broadcasters as well?

Watching Chuck and Larry. Jessica Biel is HOT!!!

But I wish they had started the film by saying BELICHICK IS FUCKING GOD.

Okay. That was enjoyable. Let’s move on to King now…

I’ve got the first extended interview with Brady since the Sept. 7 knee injury that knocked him out for the 2008 season.

His first tough question for Brady? “Tom, you had the greatest season a passer ever had two years ago. And now you’re back.”

I found him confident that his knee’s going to be fine, with a bold thing or two to say about his future… and an interesting explanation of how he got the staph infection that caused him a couple of setbacks in his rehab last fall.

“See, that’s the problem with owning a 500 sq. ft. shower, Peter. Banging your supermodel wife on the tiles exposes you to germs you previously hadn’t considered.”

They’ve had to replace 82 wide-receiver catches from that team, with Jabar Gaffney and Donte’ Stallworth out, so Greg Lewis and the ancient Joey Galloway are in… Galloway had a bad foot (since recovered) last year, started only four games in Tampa, and comes north with doubts that he can stay healthy… Funny to think of in this way, but the key to a great offensive season for New England might actually be the fleet Galloway, who I’m told is running in the 4.4s even at 38. Imagine splitting a healthy Galloway and Moss wide to either side, with Welker in the slot and a good receiver like Kevin Faulk in the backfield.

I think Joey Galloway is ancient. And that he can’t stay healthy. BUT I ALSO THINK HE LOOKS BETTER THAN EVER!

The sands in the hourglass are running out for Brett Favre… Will he or won’t he? I don’t know.

Yes, thank you for that update. I’m told the key person involved in Brett Favre’s decision to come back… is none other than BRETT FAVRE.

When you have a player as important as Cribbs is to the organization, you want to treat him right and show the rest of the team that you’re paid on merit, not just based on the loftiness of where you were drafted.

Or the trueness of where you were drafted either!

To say New York Jets special-teamer Larry Izzo enjoyed his time with the Patriots is an understatement. He played with New England for eight years, won three Super Bowl rings, was a fixture in Boston social and community events, and was a selfless volunteer (raising more than $600,000 for military families with an annual karaoke event called “Larryoke”).

So for you people keeping tabs out there, that’s $200,000 raised for Dr. Z by selling nights out with Peter King, and $600,000 raised for the military by watching Larry Izzo cover Trapt songs. I never realized just how easy it was to raise money for charity. Watch me next week as I raise $3 million for cancer research simply by auctioning off jars of my personal waste.

In the offseason, he signed with the Jets. Not exactly Johnny Damon to the Yankees, but notable.

Say, you know who looks like Johnny Damon? That Freddie Prinze, Jr.

He and wife Mara had a son this spring. They named him Boston.

Really? Boston Izzo? Jesus.

His full name, actually, is Boston Izzo Leethegreatestfackincityevahyoufacks.

Might want to keep that one to yourself when out in the Village, Larry.

BUT DON’T YOU HIDE THAT AMAZING SINGING VOICE YOU HAVE.

1… I can assure you that (Michael) Vick and Jim Mora will never be on the same team again. Let’s just say it didn’t end too well the last time they were together. Not just the ending, but the middle part, too. The entire Atlanta organization wasn’t crazy about Vick’s work ethic in the offseason. It’s illogical to think Mora would stake any portion of his future on Vick.

2. I think, though, when the Seattle quarterback depth chart is looking as if it will be Hasselbeck, Seneca Wallace and the immortal Mike Teel, it’s pretty logical to wonder why you wouldn’t consider bringing Vick in-house.

1. It is illogical for the Seahawks to bring in Michael Vick.
2. It is illogical for the Seahawks not to consider bringing in Vick.

You know, Vick and Bobby Engram are practically the exact same player.

I think I don’t expect the NFL to find the Redskins guilty of tampering with Albert Haynesworth — Jason Cole of Yahoo! reported the investigation Saturday — because I believe much of the investigation will center on the very public displays of affection Washington owner Dan Snyder had with Haynesworth’s agent, Chad Speck, in Indianapolis at the Scouting Combine.

And why would centering on those public displays of affection cause you to think the charges will be dismissed?

Snyder and Speck had dinner in full view of half the coaches and scouts in the city.

And when Speck crawled under the table and began servicing Snyder, things really got HOT.

You’d be naïve to think they weren’t discussing Haynesworth; that’s one of the reasons the league’s owners are considering a new rule that will make it legal for teams to speak with agents and looming free-agents in the week before the free market opens.

But it’s illegal NOW, yes?

I understand the Titans think Washington poisoned the water for Haynesworth and made it impossible for him to even consider coming back to Tennessee, but the flaw in that logic is that the Titans were never, ever going to pay Haynesworth the landmark contract he got from Washington.

But what does that have to do with whether or not the Redskins tampered? If they negotiated with him prior to the opening of free agency, that’s defined as tampering, which you seem to clearly think was the case. It doesn’t fucking matter if the Titans had planned on resigning him or not. Tampering is tampering. And that’s…

Let’s say the league went to an 18-game schedule with a bye week. (Some league people want two byes)

Two byes?

/drinks formaldehyde

If I’m a TV executive, what I’m thinking when I look at (an expanded 18-game) schedule is: How am I going to sell four regular-season weekends of pro football AFTER Christmas?

Allow me to: HOLY SHIT! EXTRA FOOTBALL FOR EVERYONE! FUCK YEAH! WOOHOO!

I think that one of the reasons I rated New Orleans at No. 24 in my power rankings a few weeks ago was wheeled out of a Las Vegas hotel on a stretcher yesterday. I don’t trust Jeremy Shockey anymore to stay healthy for 16 weeks.

Oh, so it took THAT to convince you? Jeremy Shockey hasn’t played a full 16-game schedule once in his career. “Call me crazy, but I think this Shockey kid could prove unreliable.”

The Saints have to hope that Sunday’s shenanigans in Nevada are not a precursor of things to come.

Again, allow me: It’s a precursor of things to come. In fact, it’s a fucking postcursor of shit that’s already happened.

I laugh when I hear fans of the pit bull breed say pit bulls are no more harmful than any other dog on the planet, and they only turn bad when they’re trained to be bad. Yeah, right. Why do I never read about golden retrievers attacking, maiming and killing people?

Because they hire Czech hitmen to do it for them.

I do not understand why families with children use pit bulls as guard dogs or pets.

It’s like having concrete cyanide IN YOUR HOME.

My buddy Jon Heyman thinks A-Rod not only had his hip fixed out in Colorado, but also his heart.

Oh, dear God. Right from Reilly/Lupica/Albom School Of Horrid Metaphor Deployment:

-“LeBron James not only made the big shot. He made a downtrodden city smile once more.”
-“There’s one thing Tony Dungy teaches his players that you won’t find in a playbook: Integrity.”
-“When Brett Favre plants sorghum, he isn’t just planting a plant. He’s planting seeds of hope.”

I’m not blind. I see David Ortiz being beyond awful. He is owed more than seven bad weeks, people, before being buried.

Give him at least six years, like I gave Jeremy Shockey. Then we might know if this is all headed the wrong direction.

Wake up, Ryan Howard. You are wreaking havoc with my rotisserie team.

I ONLY GIVE DAVID ORTIZ SEVEN WEEKS OF PATIENCE BECAUSE I ADORE HIM.

Coffeenerdness: The way the locals love Dunkin’ Donuts coffee, it’s almost as though you must be a Yankee fan if you step into Starbucks.

They love it almost as much as they love dogs. And baked dog goods!

The final Dr. Z-related fundraiser note: I have one more debt of gratitude to try to repay. I want to thank the internet.

It defines loose!

I admire the Red Wings a lot. I’m rooting for the Blackhawks. You remember the story of Dale Tallon’s father’s wake, when the team spent a day off trekking way up into Ontario to pay their respects because it was the right thing to do? That’s why.

I don’t see the Red Wings attending any wakes for dead people. DO YOU?!

Hey, all you who got so ticked off because I revealed Pam’s pregnancy four days after The Office season finale … I mean, come on. Are you telling me you hadn’t the time in four entire days to watch the TiVoed version of the last show of the season in a great series?

You mean to tell Peter you couldn’t be bothered to wach it yet? And you people call yourself true Officianados. NOW who’s the asshole?

I see a former presidential intern for JFK is writing a book about her story, 47 years after sleeping with him. Now there’s something the planet can’t live without.

Oh, you mean something akin to writing out a detailed travel diary every time you take the Acela train? I agree, the sarcasm is warranted.

I’ve set up my schedule for the summer, so you can make your plans now for my four dark weeks.

You’re gone for a month? NOOOOOO!!!! YOU CAN’T GO! ALL THE KIT KATS WILL MELT!

I know it’s the annual intolerable month of all of your lives

It is! WITHOUT YOU, WE’LL ALL DISRESPECT THE SUN.

I just want to make sure you’re prepared.

And we are here at KSK. Think just because Peter is away on vacation means we won’t get a chance to poke fun at him? THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE WRONG. Remember, this is a relatively new feature here at KSK. There are archives upon archives of useless Peter King douchannalia that we haven’t even touched. Yes, when King is away, fair children, I will personally break down CLASSIC KING COLUMNS. The colonoscopy. The stolen foul ball. All of it. You’ll never want for Peter King fat jokes again ever.

My Father’s Day shopping column will be June 15.

My favorite gift? LAND. And don’t forget to buy Rick Lawson a BELICHICK IS GOD hoodie.

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