So you think you can just get a free trip to Hawaii and not have to do any work? Is that what I’m hearing out of my fellow AFC teammates? Well, I don’t think so, not on my watch.
/Leaves for three hours to go film a Papa Johns ad.
Good, you’re all still here waiting for me. Sign of a good work ethic. You’re committed to me and the Pro Bowl for a change.
/Leaves to go film Buick ad for six hours over on another island.
Perfect. You waited up for me. Looks like a few of you even cracked open your playbooks. Excellent, Foxy worked real hard on those things, up until 3 AM last night binding them himself. We’re taking Roger Goodell’s threat of canceling the Pro Bowl seriously and we need to demonstrate to him we’re professionals willing to put ourselves out there for the betterment of the league.
/Leaves to meet Eli Manning of the NFC team to exchange photos of kids, call Cooper Manning in New Orleans and ask for Seymour Butts 27 times in a row.
Hey! Are some of you sleeping? I just had a serious meeting with the enemy about how we’re going to make this look as good as professional wrestling on Sunday. We don’t want anyone to get hurt out there, but we need to look like you might get hurt out there. Which means one or two of you might get hurt after all. Hopefully none of the free agents will get too dinged up.
/Leaves for two hours to film follow-up Papa Johns ad.
Just look at us, it’s pathetic. Some of you can barely keep your eyes open. This is not what taking the Pro Bowl seriously is all about. If PapPap was here, he’d whoop all of your butts for being so lazy and un-Manning like.
/Heads to happy hour, works on tanning his margarita belly for a few hours.
Is that snoring I hear? I’ve been to a dozen Pro Bowls and there is no way we’re going to be ready if we don’t start taking this seriously. May as well kiss that twenty-five thousand dollars goodbye. That’s right. I said twenty-five thousand. I was planning on winning this thing. Not sure how it’s possible now with you deadbeats.
/Goes back to room, pours every bottle of hotel shampoo, conditioner, bubble bath, body wash and lotion into the tub and has a nice long soak. Wonders why the rest of the team isn’t as committed as he is as the last of the bubbles float down the drain.
Yuck, some of you haven’t even showered in the past few days. Daniels, you straight up stink. What sort of message does that send to the viewers at home? If you cannot care for yourself, how can you care about the game. I can’t throw the ball to someone who literally stinks. It’s bad for business.
/Leaves for two hours to tape a PSA about the importance of showering.
Ah, forget it.
/Leaves to finally tape the Papa Johns ad that will let America know how many pizzas they’re actually giving away. Laughs when he hears that number is seven.
Okay, game time. Who’s ready to go win this one for me, the mighty motivator and for Roger Goodell?
Programming note: There will be a Sunday Live Blog for the Pro Bowl. Plan your drinking accordingly.