So last night we finally, finally, FINALLY had some goddamn football on our televisions, our computers, and our phones. What we got was a complete rout of the Packers by the reigning champion Seattle Seahawks. Seattle looked like the same team that chumped Peyton Manning (sponsored by Nationwide) last season. Immediately we had tons of people predicting the Seahawks to repeat and others bemoaning that they haven’t appeared to fall off a cliff yet (which we all wish they would, solely to make that 12 stuff go away).
Youtube sensation EATDATPUSSY445 weighs in
Hot take, EATDATPUSSY445. I’m sorry 444 people took the username EATDATPUSSY before you got to it. Seems like after 3 or 4 EATDAYPUSSYs get taken you’d want to find a new name, but whatever floats your boat.
But even though Mr Pussy445 was probably being facetious, the Hawks clearly put on a great show last night that places them as clear favorites to potentially repeat. They even spotted Green Bay 7 points when Sherman shoved that Packer into Earl Thomas as he tried to catch the punt. But winning a Super Bowl is hard, and I’d like to take this moment to remind those bandwagon 12 fans of this fact and lay out some very real scenarios that will prevent Seattle from hoisting the trophy two years in a row.
– 12th Man busted for weed, suspended for the year
– Russell Wilson is abducted by a child predator who mistakes him for a small boy
– Earl Thomas III reaches the end of his pupae stage, goes into cocoon in locker room for 5 months to molt into Earl Thomas IV
– 12th man becomes so fat that he becomes 13th man, everyone knows 13 isn’t lucky
– Texas A&M is sick of Seattle using their 12th man gimmick, revokes privilege, thousands of hipsters go back to pretending they like the Sounders.
– The level of smug from 12th man fans reaches critical levels, entire city collapses into Puget Sound. The smug spill spreads out into the ocean, doing irreparable damage to the local ecosystem. The entire west coast is affected, authorities institute ban on swimming in pacific ocean. Stupid people ignore warnings, develop case of “Smug Fever”, attempts to quarantine the virus unsuccessful. Entire continent becomes infected with Smug. The first cases arise in a Japan fishing village. Soon the world is infected. As it turns out, the 2012 prophesy did not refer to the year, but to the 20 12th man fans you know who won’t shut up.
– The Seahawks are so busy getting blown by Cris Collinsworth that they forget to actually play the game
– Seahawks actually win the Super Bowl, but everyone is too busy paying attention to Johnny Manziel to notice
– NBC forgets to actually come back from commercial break, entire season gets stuck in limbo
– After making sick play, Richard Sherman disappears so far up his own butt as to cause a singularity
– Percy Harvin is diagnosed with stage 4 team cancer
– Russell Okung solved the puzzlebox, now the Cenobites are after him
– Russell Wilson is no longer married, spends too much time trying to hit on ladies to study defenses.
– Rain of Skittles after Marshawn Lynch touchdown causes CenturyLink Field to reach Levi’s Stadium levels of bad
– Leaked nudes of Pete Carroll tear the locker room apart
– The Mariners win the World Series and all the band-wagoners switch over to baseball. Lol nevermind had to sneak a joke in this article somewhere, you know?
– Team bus breaks down after St Louis game while travelling through Ferguson, team is never seen again
– Paul Allen sells team to Macklemore, who only grabs free agents from thrift shop. Hey, Josh Freeman was 99 cents! But he smells like piss.
– Kam Chancellor hits someone so hard they vanish into another dimension, Goodell gives Kam 2 game suspension. But Michael Bennett got three years for weed.
– Marshawn hounded by media until he snaps and goes on a murder spree
– Just because Eli Manning has derped his way to two rings doesn’t mean winning Super Bowls is easy. It takes good injury luck, great players playing great football at the most important time of year, and more than a small amount of Luck. And not the Andrew kind. The Hawks are in a very difficult division with everyone wanting a piece of them in an era of football where being a “Dynasty” has become incredibly difficult, and a Super Bowl victor hasn’t won a playoff the following year since the early 00’s Pats.