Redskins Holiday Bonuses: Revealed!

01.04.14 4 years ago 9 Comments


The Washington Post has recently posted an article that collates quotes from 19 former employees of the Redskins organization in an effort to understand the enigma that is Daniel Snyder.  The whole thing is a must-read, if only because it will confirm everything you have secretly suspected about the Redskins’ owner.

However, what will be glossed over by the other news outlets reporting this story is this little tidbit:

Ex-staffers reported cutbacks during the recent recession — multiple employees reported receiving bags of apples one year in lieu of holiday bonuses.

After doing a little digging of our own, Kissing Suzy Kolber has obtained the full list of bonus tiers available to Redskins employees.


  • Employees who have been with the company for under 5 years will receive a bag of apples.
  • Employees who have been with the company for 5-15 years will receive a bag of apples and one (1) upper-level ticket to a preseason Washington Wizards game.
  • Employees who have been with the company for over 15 years will be put out of their misery in a mostly humane fashion by Dr. Alfonse, the #1 choice for Redskins fans considering the prospect of euthanasia.  It’s…really the best gift we could give you.
  • Employees who are Native American will receive one (1) season ticket to the Washington Redskins in a special high-visibility section that will be used for no less than 60% of all TV fan cutaways.  These tickets are non-refundable and non-transferable, and employees are required to attend all home games or face disciplinary action.
  • Employees who are Kirk Cousins should be goddamn happy for what they already have and stop trying to ruin this good thing we had going.
  • Employees who are Robert Griffin III will receive one (1) spa day and an all expenses paid trip to Aspen and oh are you sure you don’t want anything else?  Really?  We could like, throw in a new Mustang from Ourisman or something.  Just… you have our number, let us know.
  • Employees who are Mike Shanahan will receive one (1) chance to finally be rid of this hellhole team forever.

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