ASHBURN, VA – Washington Redskins Vice President of Public Relations Tony Wylie responded to a media inquiry on Thursday in regards to yesterday’s Chris Kluwe Deadspin guest post by saying, “I’m not really sure how this story is relevant to the Washington Redskins football organization or the goals we have in place. We’re currently in the midst of a prudent but aggressive evaluation process of all of the top coaches and coordinators in both college and professional football. We will leave no stone unturned in order to find the next head coach of the Washington Redskins, and I’d rather talk about how we won’t stop until we get it right” Wylie said. “But since I’ve got you on the phone, I would also like to personally advocate the immediate fiery genocide of millions of homosexuals, and I would suspect that my boss, Mr. Dan Snyder would insist on the blackballing of any player who would disagree with this stance, but we’d just rather stay out of this one for a change.”
Wylie’s comments come as a surprise given that every other NFL team has elected to let the focus remain on the Minnesota Vikings while they try to deal with the fallout from Kluwe’s bombshell article. “Wait, Kluwe’s the fag punter right?” Wylie clarified. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. I wouldn’t hire him either, if for no other reason than strictly because he’s gay.” Kluwe is not in fact a homosexual, but has been a very active proponent on many LGBT issues including his efforts to advocate the legalization of same-sex marriages.
Mr. Wylie is generally regarded as one of the sharpest PR minds in the game having navigated the Redskins through a number of caustic situations, such as Dan Snyder’s lawsuit against the Washington City Paper for publishing a satirical article like this one that approximately ten thousand people read before Wylie encouraged Mr. Snyder to sue- exponentially increasing the circulation of the article in question well into the upper 6-figures. However, Wylie’s comments are puzzling given this particular issue is widely regarded to be a Vikings-specific controversy and it is unclear why Washington Redskins brass is choosing to involve themselves in the situation.
“We have a plan here in Washington.” Wylie explained. “We believe that our roster isn’t far away from contending for a Super Bowl. We just need to change some minor philosophies in our coaching, and put together a few remaining pieces. And let me just add that one of those pieces will not be Chris Kluwe because I personally am a heterosexual and I would rather use a vagina for sex than a man’s anus. And before I let you go I’d like to say that rape is, actually, sometimes good, and also those Codetalkers were really El Salvadorian day-laborers that were working on Mr. Snyder’s guest sauna. We thought to bring them out at the last minute and no one knew that they weren’t Indians or whatever the hell they want to be called this week. Thanks for reaching out, but I’ll let the Minnesota Vikings handle this brouhaha on their own.”