Hi folks, I want to thank you all for coming out tonight holy smokes its great to be back at the podium.
Let me start out by saying what a honor and a privilage it is to be here at tonights roast of Ron Jaworski. Jaws is a player who has had a huge impact on a lot of ‘league circles’ aka Roger Goodells butthole from both his time as a average Quarterback and later from his one year as the Lucky Pierre on Monday Night Football before he got fired. Now we all know Ron as the tapegod of Bristol, Connecticut as the NFLs answer to a film critic who threatens sepuku with a sword weaved out of his own toenails if “Tree of Life” doesnt win a Oscar but we’ll get to Ron in a second.
Just looking at this Dais gathered here tonite I see about a dozen faces from Jawses days in Philadelphia, and thats just on Randall Cunninghams airbrushed t-shirt folks. Im kidding with you, your a good sport, you really are which is more then you can say about the NFL when you were in it Randall. Yes, Randall changed the game and opened up the securitybarred doors to all sorts of WR types playing QB as flashy scramblers. Thanks to Cunningham Mike Vicks a millionaire folks making Randall responsible for killing more dogs then the Iditerod, heartworms, and the 7th floor crew on a 3-day weekend combined.
We’ve got some other Philly “greats” in the house,, Donovan Mcnabb great to see you. Donovans been on Fox Sports channel but he looks like hes spent more time on the Food Network there. You know Don they make pedometers that dont HAVE to go on your wrist you know. Don and Ron have alot more in common then just there exact equal number of Superbowl losses,, there both hated by there old fans. People from Philly hate Don and Ron more then bathing and brushing there teeth on the same day, and thats a short list. At least Jaws knows how to clean up for crying out louse, Donovans never really been one to take pride in his appearence, apparently he didnt know that his hair could end in ties until 2008 either.
Also great to see Mike Ditka could make it here tonight from his busy schedule of soup-eating and complaining about the soup. Mikes teams use to beat up on old Jaws and now he beats him up for his lunch money at ESPN. Jaws and Mike are two of the most boring analysts because Jaws will agree with anything Coach says because he’s a wimp. Seriously getting Jaws and Ditka in a room together is like hosting buy or sell between the Ismail brothers debating who the best president is.
Who else is here? Oh yes the ESPN table. Stuart Scott great to see you, likewise Im sure, I can never be sure with you pal. Stuarts ESPN partnership with Ron is truly a milestone professional relationship as the only black guy to ever share screen time with anything named Jaws. Stuarts always screaming “BooYah” in a perfect impression of 1986 Eagles fans witnessing the transition from Jaworski to Cunningham.
Holy cow Merril Hoge is here a top 10 poweranked analyst. Merril Im really glad to see you,, Merrils looking forward to telling some jokes tonite unfortunately hes a little confused and he wrote all his zingers for Monica Lewisnki,, most of them should still work Merrill but you might need to add in a couple more jokes about blowjobs. Yessir, Merrils always got some strong takes on ESPN,, with all his talk about the factorback Merrils making up positions like hes Manti Te’o playing truth or dare folks. Honestly Merrils a fashion icon and you look great tonight Hoggie,, that ties got more knots then your frontal lobe- but Im not here to make fun of your brain Merril Im here to make fun of Rons life.
Yessir Ol’ Jaws the man of the hour. The man is known for his marathon gametape sessions folks,, this is a guy who spends more time gushing over film then Fred Willard. One time I took a tour of ESPNs studios and his offices floors are so sticky they call it “the Roach Trap.” You know, they say trying to hang with Jaws in a filmroom is more exhausting then playing “Next Man Up” with Kerry Rhodes.
Jaws is the big cheeked chipmunk film nerd of Connecticut. In fact I call John the Groundhog cuz hed get rid of the ball practicly everytime he saw his shadow. Course, I think he would of dominated verse LT since Lawrence never showed much interest in wrapping up verses anyone over the age of 16.
The one knock against Jaws besides his finances, personal hygene, and complete lack of a legacy is that he has made a habit of overrating any NFL QB with a hole and a heartbeat, and last weeks take on Kaperneck was no acception. Here’s a actual brief list of players with more TDs then College Crapernick: Heath Shuler, Jamarcus Russel, Ryan Leaf, Koy Detmer, Cade McNown, you want me to keep going? Sean Salisbury, Dan Orlovsky, John Skelton, Tim Tebow, Danny Wuerffel, Chris Weinke, Matt Leinart, JP Losman you see where im going here? You get it Jaws? Your not good at your job.
Rons the ESPN equivilent of the comic book guy from the Bart Simpson show except the 3 riddles he makes everyone on his bus answer are “Whats the Total QBR formula? can you make ALL THE THROWS? and how much for the Girlfriend Experience?”
Actually Jawses take on Kapernick isnt really that far-fetched compared to the fact that someone pays Ron money to splatter his gross face all over my TV for 30 hours every week. Jaws youre so ugly that Steve Philips asked if you had a single sister. Jaws youre so ugly that Disney fired you to give Mike Tirico more facetime, Jaws youre so ugly that Hannah Storm only fucked you twice, Jaws youre so ugly that both times Hannah Storm fucked you she brought along a car to donate, Jaws youre so ugly they stopped calling you the Polish Cannon and started calling you the Polish Grenade, Jaws youre so ugly youll never get into the hall of fame because they cant carve a bust out of Steve Youngs jizz, Jaws youre so ugly Rick Reillys wife slept with you by mistake.
Goodnight and God bless you all everyone except for your ugly ass Jaws,, Im going to heaven and I dont want to have to listen to you tell me that every guy whose ever pulled out while sodomizing a cat has all the tools to be better then Jesus.