We’re (Sadly) At Peak Tom Brady Fashion Reporting Season

05.06.14 4 years ago 82 Comments

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Somewhere along the line sportswriters, known for their pleated khakis, sport jackets, ill-fitting polo shirts and brown Florsheims became fashion bloggers. Not just “Who are you wearing?” fan fashion bloggers; they became harsh, critical fashion bloggers with opinions on hairstyles, accessories and hats. And which cool cat in the hat makes the claws come out the fastest?

Tom Brady. Always, Tom Brady. And with the Kentucky Derby and the annual Met Gala occurring in recent days, we’re at peak Tom Brady Fashion Alert season.

“In today’s Big Buzz, we told you about Tom Brady’s new look, which he sported at the Kentucky Derby on Saturday. However, People Magazine has given us a much better version of Brady’s new blondish Mohawk-like hairdo. In addition to the hair, make sure you take note of the red pants and Brady getting grabby with Gisele’s backside.”  – You absolutely have to see this picture of Tom Brady’s new look!, Fox Sports

“The Patriots star paired his new ‘do with some bright red pants in this picture with wife Gisele Bundchen, who rocked a form-fitting gold dress.” – Blond Fauxhawk During Night Out With Gisele, NESN (New England Sports Network)

“Yes, Patriots fans, that’s your beloved Tom Brady, sporting a fauxhawk and bright red pants, along with a faint help-me-or-kill-me glint in his eyes as his beloved wife Gisele embraces him victoriously.” – What in heaven’s name has happened to Tom Brady?, Yahoo! Shutdown Corner

“The Derby is famous for the lids people wear for the event, but I wonder if Brady got a free bowl of soup for buying that hat. I’d never buy it, but it looks good on you though Tom.” –  Tom Brady has the perfect Kentucky Derby hat, FanSided

“There are hats, and then there are hats. That, folks, is a hat.”  –  Tom Brady’s Kentucky Derby Hat Game Is Nuts; Wilforks Similarly Fresh, Deadspin

(Special kudos to Fox Sports, as the above quote is the entirety of the the 58-word article.)

Such sports fashion reporting is usually accompanied by the snarky, “He wears Uggs and random attire that only a million dollar man could pull off” in Rant Sports, or the supposedly emasculating jab by CBS Sports, “But as we’ve said countless times before, the joke’s on us; Brady, those red pants, that fauxhawk and his three Super Bowl rings sleep next to his supermodel wife — who makes substantially more than he does — every night” which reads as, “GRRRRRR, WOMAN MAKE MORE, MAKE MAN WEAR STUPID CLOTHING BUT HA HA HE SMASHES A HOT CHICK SO IT’S ALL GOOD, BRO.”

Woman are the primary breadwinners in four out of ten households with children, putting the Brady-Bundchen clan right in step with the rest of America. And yet Tom Brady, NFL quarterback in perhaps one of the most masculine lines of work on the planet, is repeatedly and regularly feminized and demeaned because of the clothing he wears and the income his wife earns by writers who have probably at one point in their life Tweeted about how happy they are not to be wearing pants.

This isn’t even an offseason lack of news problem. USA Today/For The Win’s Chris Chase jumped in with the awkwardly worded “Who wore their grandpa sweater better: Tom Brady or RG3?” when discussing postgame interviews. Not to be outdone, FTW’s Nate Scott jumped in a few months later to make fun of Brady’s tweed jacket. (Disclosure: We wrongly made fun of Brady’s hair that day when we should have been sticking to Brady high-five story. I mean really, Ape.)

Am I advocating the end of Tom Brady fashion reporting? Oh God, no. He’s an interesting character who can pull of an Armani suit with the best of them, so no need to stop posting all the link-baity pictures of Brady (and his wife) that keep the little clickity-clicks coming. (We all like paychecks.) But if you’re going to write about Brady and fashion, ease up on the “he looks like a woman” and how it’s all his wife’s fault schtick and you know, actually be funny when you talk about his looks.

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