Greetings, friends! Before we get into this week’s mailbag, I’d like to salute Sarah Sprague for writing last week’s mailbag. Writing this column every week can make me a little callous sometimes, so I appreciated the thoughtful and nuanced advice that Sarah offered on having babies and dating co-workers. She’s not just a great tailgate chef, y’all.
So what’s up this week? Too many words about scotch, some NFL Draft thoughts, dating your buddies’ exes, a six-man fantasy league (NO), and a mom so annoying that you’ll want to call up your own mom and yell at her just to ease your mind. Should be fun. Let’s go!
Fantasy: Do you think Doug Martin is a sound bet for the first round in this year’s fantasy draft? I’m picking last in my draft this season (12th) and trying to figure out a strategy. The guy drafting first in my league has already proclaimed he’s taking AP, and after last year where I struggled with the shit trio of Turner, LeShoure, and whatever RB was hot that week, I’d like to avoid that mess again.
I haven’t prepared my own player rankings yet — that’s, like, a late July task — but a cursory poke around the internet says you probably won’t be able to draft Martin at 12. Matthew Berry and Chris Harris of ESPN both list Martin as a top-6 player in 2013, so you may want to target someone else or hope that they’re wrong. Which seems possible: Harris has Alfred Morris at 18 overall, which seems like a stretch for a guy who finished second in rushing yards behind Adrian Peterson and second in touchdowns behind Arian Foster. And that’s not some fantasy “expert” glitch: CBS Sports’ trio of experts all have him ranked somewhere between 8th and 10th on their list of running backs.
I’m all for predicting future results rather than relying on past ones, and I’m sure that the spectre of RG3’s late return is a concern, but I HAVE to believe that Morris is a first-round fantasy pick. At the very least, he was a hell of a lot more consistent than Martin last year.
Second, I have read that you are a scotch drinker. I’d like to class up my drinking and have never really given it a try. What would you recommend for a first time scotch drinker?
Hopeful Classy Drunk
You are partly correct. I am a whiskey enthusiast who cut his teeth on scotch, though now I tend to favor bourbon — for financial reasons as much as for patriotic or gustatory ones.
Whiskey’s a tough spirit on which to opine, because a LOT of people are snobs abut their brown liquor: scotch drinkers look down on Irish whiskey, bourbon purists get pissy about Jack Daniel’s, and rye gets too little love from all corners. And the scotch world has the perhaps the greatest divide of all: single malt versus blended scotch. The most important thing you can do is taste as much as you can to find what you like and what you don’t like, then be human enough not to be a snob about it.
Personally, I prefer the intensity and specificity of single malts — which highlight the different topographical qualities across Scotland — to blends, which tend to be smoother and more palatable to the average drinker. But I’m not stupid: I’m not going to turn down some Johnnie Walker Blue just because I’m more inclined to Glenlivet 18. Try everything: it all shapes your palate.
For the beginning scotch drinker, I recommend any single malt that’s affordable. Once you start to develop a taste for things, Glenlivet 12 becomes pretty bland. Aberlour 10 is a nice budget buy. Macallan 12 is probably the best bang for your buck on the American market. Speyside products are almost always reliable: I enjoy Cardhu, Cragganmore, Balvenie, Benriach, Knockando, and others. I’m less well-versed in highland scotches, but I think Dalwhinnie and Dalmore are good for tyros, and Oban is a nice gateway scotch into the peatier flavors you find in the Isle of Skye. Laphroaig and Lagavulin have a distinct smoky appeal, but I wouldn’t recommend them to a newbie.
Basically: it’s all good, you just have to find what you like.
Dearest Captain Uffsides,
Football first: With the draft this Thursday, who do you think would make the best fit in the first round from a fantasy perspective? I know that’s a broad question, but if you could see one rookie who would fit the best with one particular team, who/where would that be?
I don’t think it will necessarily be a first-rounder tonight who makes an impact on fantasy drafts come August. Tavon Austin seems to be the only WR universally projected for the 1st round, and Eddy Lacy, the top RB in the draft, may go in the second round.
Which is not to say that the draft is devoid of impact players — it merely depends on which players get used in offenses that play to their strengths. Marcus Lattimore and Montee Ball, despite their health and use issues, are probably the most talented backs in the draft, and Le’Veon Bell shows a lot of promise despite Mark Dantonio’s desire to grind him into dust. Johnathan Franklin (UCLA) and Giovani Bernard (UNC) are two other backs who will likely go in the second round.
At wideout, where it’s been historically difficult to assess future stars, the field is predictably murky. After the aforementioned Austin, Tennessee’s Cordarrelle Patterson seems to be at the top of the heap, but I think he’s too raw to have an instant impact, fantasy-wise. Cal’s Keenan Allen, despite an injury his senior season, seems pro-ready, and there are two wideouts I think are undervalued fantasy impacts: Da’Rick Rogers of Tennessee Tech (off-field issues) and Ryan Swopes of Texas A&M (white).
Also, I have Rob Gronkowski in a keeper league. How worried should I be about his injury problems going forward?
Eh, the big lummox will be okay.
Sex: My ex-girlfriend asked me if I’d be willing to make a dildo-clone of my penis for her to keep around now that we’re not dating. Apparently you can buy one of these kits on Amazon that creates a rubber clone of your dick. I’d never heard of this before and I honestly don’t know if I should be terrified or flattered that she asked me about it. Any thoughts on this one? It’s a good feeling to know that she’s a fan, but it’s kind of weird since we’re no longer together.
-The Bone Clone
I think there’s some information missing here: did you break up with her, or vice versa? Because if she broke up with you: GIRL, THE REALNESS IS AVAILABLE.
Given that last sentence, it seems more likely that you broke up with her, in which case I’d recommend against providing her with a mold of your dick. If you don’t want to be with a girl, the last thing she needs is the unquenchable of ache of unrequited love. Plus it sounds bad from your end: “Yeah, I broke up with her, but I gave her a dildo shaped like my dick, so it’s all good.”
Better you give her a mold of some superior penis. Ask around to see who has the best dick in town. Start your quest in locker rooms and bathhouses.
O Captain, My Captain:
Fantasy First: Last season was an unmitigated disaster. Started 5-0, finished 0-6, scored the third highest point total in the league, yet had the most points scored against (by a long shot. 400 more points were scored against my team than the next closest competitor). What are the odds of this happening again? My schadenfreude levels are completely maxed out.
I’m not quite sure how that’s schadenfreude, but: the odds of that happening in such an extreme fashion are pretty slim. You can still expect to get fucked in the usual realm of variance, though. In our blogger league last year, I was near the top in points scored but finished something like 4-9. It happens.
As long as we do head-to-head matchups in fantasy, that will continue to happen. And I like it that way: the Super Bowl crowns not necessarily the most consistently dominant team over the course of the season, but the one that gets hot through the playoffs. If you want to be a slave to pure numerical averages, then rotisserie baseball is always an option. Otherwise, getting fucked — or catching a break — is part of the game.
Sex: I’m in a really stupid situation and I need your help. My roommate has this ex-girlfriend that he still hangs out with (broke up a year and a half ago, still good friends) so I see her pretty often. Thing is, over the last month or so, she has become extremely flirty (mild groping, random text messages, date invites, etc.) She’s a nice girl, really friendly/good looking/great personality, and I could see myself being in a relationship with her. At the same time, my roommate is a bit of the jealous type, and though he hasn’t said this to me before, I’m pretty sure he will go ballistic if I do anything but brush off his ex’s advances (note: my roommate is a bit of a poon-hound who brings home a different girl each week. More power to him, but I thought this might help color your analysis).
Thoughts? I’m all ears.
-Mark Sanchez’s Broken Condom
Ugh. People can be real morons about who’s “allowed” to sleep with people they’re discarded. You basically have three choices here:
1. Rebuff Gina’s advances (I have named her Gina), thereby avoiding confrontation with your roommate but sowing seeds of resentment toward him.
2. Tell him you’re going to ask her out, and accept what fallout may come, ranging from awkwardness to rancor to needing a new living space.
3. Hook up with Gina in secret. SO EXCITING! “We shouldn’t be doing this!” “He could find out any minute!” “I’m coming so hard!”
And while #3 up there is by far the easiest option, it also makes the fallout worse when your insecure dickwad of a roomie finds out. And he WILL find out. People talk. I’d go with good ol’ honest #2. Be the adult and take the high road. If he wants to be a possessive childish twat, well, what’s so great about living with him, anyway?
DEVIL’S ADVOCATE SAYS: She may be trying to hook up with you to make him jealous, because women are evil. But who cares? Don’t you want to sleep with her? Sleep with her! SLEEP WITH HER.
I’m really not good at playing devil’s advocate.
Hey what’s up Captain of the cave? Hope all is well on your end.
As far as fantasy football goes 2 seasons ago I won the league, this most recent season I lost first round of playoffs. My favorite part of fantasy football are the humorous team names, any advice for coming up with a funny team idea besides current events/bad puns?
Yes. Stay tuned to KSK for the annual fantasy team naming guide. It’s been around as long as this site. Here’s the 2012 edition. Yikes, “Sandusky Basement Twister.” The 2011 edition featured “Casey Anthony Baby Shower.” We’re awful.
As far as sex goes I have 2 questions.
1. Should the average man be angry about our female partners faking orgasms? Personally as a man in his mid 20s I don’t care if they do as I feel fortunate that a woman will let me put my dick in her for free (maybe buy a few drinks) and then if she pretends to enjoy it I feel even more fortunate, like she really wants me to feel good about myself. Thoughts?
I feel like it’s harmless in the short-term, but unnecessary. In the long run, she’s only presenting the illusion that she’s getting off, which means you’re not learning what it takes to actually get her off. (Ladies, if you’re not going to come, there’s no point in faking it. And any man whose ego is that fragile isn’t worth a serious investment, anyway.)
As for how I feel about women faking orgasms, I WOULDN’T KNOW, OH YEAH!
*points to WORLD’S GREATEST LOVER plaque*
2. A few weeks ago at a bar in NYC I was with some buddies that I met after college when a college friend’s ex girlfriend (Gwen) walked in the bar with her girlfriends. Right before college ended me and my buddy had a falling out and we haven’t talked since.
I’ve always thought Gwen was attractive and was a good match for my friend but they had a bad breakup with my friend cheating on her. It was about a year later that my friend and I stopped hanging out and I haven’t talked to him since college. So the scene at the bar is about 4 years after Gwen and my buddy broke up.
Gwen and I always had a nice and easy way of communicating as I’m usually the funny guy in whatever group of friends I hang out with so comedy is always my go to icebreaker, I love dry self-deprecating humor. Even when Gwen and my buddy dated I’d try to make her laugh.
So I see Gwen walk into the bar, I look at my buddies and tell them I know one of the girls that just walked in. I look back and me and Gwen make eye contact, rather than be awkward and look away I smile, point at her and approach. I’m very cordial and set up introductions between the two groups although it ends up just being Gwen and I talking and the two groups stay as two groups.
After initial pleasantries and how have you been type questions it comes out I haven’t seen my buddy in years and that none of my other college friends talk to him. I buy her a a drink, when she’s drinking it I tell her a joke she laughs then I go in for the kiss (French of course) she accepts and then she backs her head away with a smile and looking very surprised.
Bold move! Also: an excellent way to get slapped.
She says “that was forward” I couldn’t think of anything that witty so I shrugged my shoulders hugged her and kissed her again, now we’re kissing with our arms around each other. We then got a cab, went to her place and had sex. In the morning she was very cordial and then said that her parents were in town and she had to meet them for lunch. That was probably a lie to get me to leave but leave I did.
This was last Saturday and I haven’t reached out to her since nor her to me. I can see her as someone I’d like to be in a relationship with and I’m wondering what the best way to broach the subject of going on a date sometime soon would be.
“I really like this girl, but so far I’ve ignored her and treated her like a one-night stand.”
She’s my age and basic maturity level, she seems to like my jokes, I’d like to start dating her. The only stumbling block I can see is that I remind her of my ex buddy and she might consider him cheating on her a dark period of her life. I feel like going on dates would show her I’m not like him nor ever was. Thoughts?
Take it easy,
Xmus Flaxon Jaxon Waxon
Stop being such a girl about this. “We had sex and I like her and I want to ask her out but I haven’t talked to her since and I’m thinking maybe she thinks that I remind her of her ex–”
Text her right now. “Had fun with you last weekend. Would love to see you again. Can I buy you dinner?” If she says no or doesn’t answer, then you can stop wondering. If she says yes, yay! You get laid again.
Fantasy first: My friends and I have a 12 man league which I great and usually a lot of fun. The thing is,most people in the league are broke so there are no real stakes besides bragging rights. Six of us want to start a side league where we play for something, either a cash prize or possibly the loser buys dinner for the league. Can you think of a way to make a 6 man league fun
Yes. Find 4-6 more people.
and possibly what kind of prize we could play for?
Money. Or beer that is purchased with money. I know a league where the winner gets a case of beer of his choosing from each of the participants.
What kind of rules and roster sizes should this league have?
You should not have a six-man league. It will be awful. If you want to play with just six guys, do a one-off weekly matchup like FanDuel.
Relationship: I have been single for about a month and a half after being in a relationship for about a year. My friends thought they would help me get back into the game so they set up an online dating profile for me. Ive never been great with girls but I’m doing surprisingly good with this. Girls I never thought would even message me back are actually messaging me first and giving me their numbers before I can even ask for them. The problem is, after a few dates I don’t feel like I’m over my ex and I’m not sure i should be doing this just yet. I have no desire to get back with her because i know thats a mistake but its still hard. I’m worried though, that if I stop, when I come back the magic will be gone and I won’t be as successful. This could be the peak of my dating life and I don’t want to waste it. Should I just suck it up and get over it?
You don’t have to be over your ex to meet other girls or have sex with them. And the new girls you’re meeting don’t need to operate under some illusion that you’re looking for something long-term. All you have to say is, “I just got out of a long-term relationship, so I’m not looking for anything serious right now.” BOOSH, you may now have casual sex.
I mean, if you don’t want to go out with anyone, then don’t go out with anyone. But don’t stop yourself from having fun just because “you shouldn’t be doing this yet.” Bullshit. That relationship is not your dead grandfather: there’s no mourning period.
No fantasy question, so here’s Kate Upton saying “It’s a wrap!” in the most Kate Upton/awesome way possible.
GOOD GAW AWMIGHTY. In deference to that, this mailbag will be a wrap after your email.
Sex: Been in a great relationship with a wonderful woman for the past 3 months. We’ll call her Leslie. I’m 28 and she’s almost 24. We’ve both been in long-term relationships before and agree that this one feels different (in the best way). The one problem is my Mom’s reaction to this relationship. Leslie has only treated me well and other family members & friends love her. In my previous 6-year relationship, there were times when my ex treated me poorly and I was too dumb/immature to end things when I should have. After our breakup, my family & friends were united in stating their dislike for her. This seems to be a reason for my Mom not trusting my judgment on choosing a mate.
Dude, don’t even try to frame your mother as someone who reasons. She is your mother: she doesn’t need a reason to question your life decisions.
Now, I’m more than 2 years removed from that relationship and have done a lot reflecting and work on myself to try and make sure I knew who & what I was looking for out of my next serious relationship. My mom tried to set me up with an acquaintance’s daughter who she thought was “perfect for me” at the time I had just met Leslie and is also of the mindset that I should be dating older women who are more on my maturity level due to women in their 20’s being “stupid” and “don’t know what they want.”
UGH I HATE YOUR MOM SO MUCH
I won’t refute that is true for many, but it’s also not enough of a reason to ditch this person who I have such a great connection with. However, with my Mom going in with a shitty attitude, she seemed to already make up her mind on the type of person Leslie is before meeting her. They’ve met a few times and while my Mom wasn’t outwardly rude to Leslie, she certainly wasn’t as friendly or accommodating as she usually is. Leslie is picking up on the sense that Mom doesn’t like her so far and is understandably bummed about it.
I’ve always been very close to my family. I know it ultimately only matters that Leslie is making me happy, but I’d hate for this to lead to a situation of me being forced to choose down the road. I’ve already tried to have honest communication with my Mom about this and she’s being stubborn and says things like “she isn’t for you”, “why do you keep picking these types of girls” and “you might be surprised at who else isn’t impressed with her.” Comments like these have pissed me off greatly and have already led to heated exchanges between us.
I have a positive relationship with my parents, and I’ve been lucky in that they’ve always been supportive of my relationships in the present, and have reserved what few negative comments they had for the postmortem. But if they tried this kind of shit with me? I’d come straight with the ultimatum: “I’m living my life how I choose and with whom I choose. I’m not going to waste my time with people who disapprove of my decisions.” Remember that you hold the ace here: the GRANDCHILDREN card. Even if you and Leslie don’t end up lasting, you need to lay the framework for your mom being polite and accepting of your partner, whoever she is (and whatever your mom happens to feel about her).
Should I just keep bringing Leslie around the family in hopes that her good heart & pleasant nature will win her over? Should I be disclosing any of this information to Leslie (I haven’t said anything to her yet)?
Good God no! Don’t whisper a breath of this to Leslie. Set your mother straight: she can either get on board, or you can just stop calling and visiting. (I know it sounds harsh, but it’s not about acting on ultimatums: it’s about standing your ground and fixing behavior that’s completely unacceptable.) Once you’ve realigned your mother’s shitty attitude, then you can bring Leslie around again. “See, Les? I told you my mom loved you!” Then you exhale and try not to sweat.