Chris Berman: Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to welcome you to the 69th annual Scripps National Telling Bee. This is a forum and venue for hot steaming takes right of the part of your brain that tells you when your horny or if your about to die. If you’re looking for the SPELLING bee- there’s the door. Once again the contestents are largely White Male adults who home school there children. After to long days of nonstop sports takes, we are down to only three finalists.
This year we see the return of foremer champions such as Skip Bayless and Mike Golic as well as upstart lawyer Clay Travis from FocksSportsOne. Im your host Chris Berman. First up will be last years champ, Skip Bayless.
Skip: Wheres Lebron Why isnt LeBron in the finals?
Berman: Skip, your word is “disgrace”.
Skip: Definiton please?
Berman: Skip this is a telling bee your literally only job is to tell me the defnition.
Skip: Use it in a sentence please.
Berman: This bums a disgrace.
Skip: Disgrace. Country of origin?
Berman: The Bronx.
Skip: Disgrace. How about we start with Michael Vick. Hes a bum. Hes a disgrace. Hes a disbumgrace. SHAME on the New York Jets for hiring him olny because Rex Ryan loves a QB who can use his feet. Would Joe Namath ever act like that? Would Jonny Unitas, would any of my other romantcized versions of real men act like Mike Vick?? They should be ashamed of themselfs, throw em all out.
Berman: That is correct
Skip: /Fistpumps but his face dosent change because he uses so much botox.
Berman: Next up we have Clay Travis from FocksSports1. Clay.
Clay: Actualy its C’lay.
Berman: Thats what I said. “Clay.”
Clay: No. “C’lay” with a postrophe.
Clay: Like black peoples names. I like to make fun of them because they name there children dumb names with a postrophes instead’ve naming them after minerals found in the Earths crust like normal people.
Berman: Im sorry Clay this is the national “telling” bee, not “spelling” bee.
Clay: Your just being PC you PC freak.
Berman: STOP SPELLING THINGS AND SAYING LETTERS! Im sorry I’m going to have to let you go.
Clay: Im going to Sue.
Berman: Thats a much better name then Clay IMO.
Berman: Next up we have Mike Golic from Mike and Mike in the morning.
Golic: Im the fat one.
Berman: Yes Mike thank you.
Golic: Greenys skinny and he never played a sport. But I was NFL and if you talk about food I’ll literaly drop trow and start pounding hog becuase Im just kind of a mans man type guy.
Berman: Yes thanks Mike. Your word is Collective Barganing Agreement.
Golic: Well as you know I use to play in NFL,, and its ridicuolous that we waste any time talking about the CBA. When I played we didnt have a CBA we had a CYA= Cover Your Ass. Now people are complaining about a NFL player like Sean Lee getting hurt during a offseason practice just because its against the CBA. People are going to get hurt its football.
Berman: But its technicaly against the rules of the CBA to have full contact practices.
Golic: Oh here we go. Now your going to start saying that they shouldnt have full contact in OTAs. Its football Im sorry you cant take the contact out of football.
Berman: But it allready is a rule that they cant hit in OTAs.
Golic: Football is a contact sports.
Schlereth: Its a collision sports.
Golic: Its a collision sports. Tell yo u what how about we take all the pads of them and just call it flag football?
Berman: I think your misinterpreting question
Golic: Why dont we just play soccer? Why dont we call it powderpuff and have a #YesAllWomen awareness month. Footballs a mans game (I use to play) and if your going to complain because your team broke the rules and you lost a year and millions of dollars in future contracts well then Im sorry theres the door no one will miss you. Hey Greeny?
Greeny: Yes Golic?
Golic: Suck my ass i use to play football and you didnt.
Berman: Wow Mike I must admit thats a very impressive take. And great use of your teammates Stink and Greeny there. Way to get them involved at the last minute.
Skip: Woah woah woah woah woah woah woah woah woah just a minute now. Golic passed on his take. Theres no way you can be the telling bee champion if your going to ask other people for help on your final take. (takes deep breath)
In todays sports world its not enough to be the best player in the world. Because your not really the best player in the world unless you make the player’s around you better, but not so much better because then if one of them has a better game then you Im going to say that there better then you are because YOUR suppose to be the Superstar which is a invented title I gave you because that way I get to call you not a superstar.
Berman: And Skip comes back back back back back back back back back back from behind ad takes home a nother TELLING bee national championship congrats to you Mr. Skip Bayless you’ve done it again you are truly the best teller on the planet. Thats a world record 10 national titiles for you making you the best teller of all time.
Skip: (stops to think) Yes. But am I Elite?
Skip, Golic, Schlereth, C’lay, Berman, and Greenys head simultaneously explode on national television. What a great competition, folks.