Mormons are harassing me. No joke. I somehow got on a Mormon calling list, and now I’ve been besieged by Mormons nonstop. I’ve had solicitations at my door on weekends. They called the house at 10PM the other night. They keep saying, “We understand Drew requested information about the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Saints.” I did not request such information. I could be trapped in a giant death maze filled with bloodthirsty minotaurs, where the only key to escaping lies in clues that can only be found in the Book of Mormon, and I would still not request such information.
And yet they persist.
Let me just lay down the law for you right now, Mormonfolk: GO THE FUCK AWAY. I don’t want to join your completely retarded fucking cult. The only reason you aren’t the complete laughingstock of organized religions is because Scientology is still around. The founder of your faith dictated the Book of Mormon while staring at stones he put in to his fucking hat.
What a fucking dingbat.
Actually, you know what? I have some useful information I’d like to share with YOU, you door-knocking babyfuckers. Maybe I should call you in the middle of the night to let you know your faith is based upon the teachings of a known fraud. You blond assholes.
I don’t want your books. I don’t want sister wives. I don’t want to wear long underwear when I screw. I don’t want to pretend it’s 1950 all the fucking time. I don’t want to stop being an alcoholic. Take your creepy smiles, and your golden plates, and your terrible architecture and cram it all up your ass. Go find some semi-retarded rube who will actually buy your bullshit religion. America is fucking LOADED with rural tardbillies who would love nothing more than to be brainwashed by your laughably stupid ideas. But I ain’t one of them. So kindly fuck the fuck off.
Your Mini-Meast of the Week is Darren Sproles.
Little, tiny Darren Sproles, who could have easily fit in Joseph Smith’s hat. 125 total yards. One return TD. Not a bad day of spot duty, despite the stolen victory. AND he’s not a Mormon. Thank God (God, incidentally, also thinks Mormons are imbeciles).