Because I live in the podunk ville of New York City, Time Warner is the only cable option I have. DirecTV isn’t available to me, and TWC doesn’t even carry the NFL Network. Unless I go to a sports bar, I get stuck with a Jets-Giants doubleheader every Sunday. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve had the fortune of experiencing the football-viewing Valhalla that is the RedZone Channel. I ache to watch the RedZone Channel; I walk through autumn feeling less than whole.
On Sunday, I spent most of the day — 11 a.m. on the West Coast until 8 p.m. on East Coast — on a flight from San Francisco to New York because it’s 2011 and BITCHES ARE STILL GETTING MARRIED DURING FOOTBALL SEASON. But it wasn’t so bad: I fly JetBlue, so I had the comforts of live TV — the delightful Pittsburgh-Baltimore ass-stomping on CBS, Philly at St. Louis on Fox, and even some Rugby World Cup on NBC for when both games were in commercials. I had no complaints.
Things slowed down in the afternoon: Giants-Redskins was the only game available, and I didn’t have a fantasy rooting interest on either team. Frankly, it sucked. Unless they’re fumbling and throwing picks, Rex Grossman and Eli Manning are boring in their mediocrity. But then, with ten minutes left in the 4th quarter, I noticed something: the guy across the aisle from me was watching Seahawks-49ers. I tapped him on the shoulder and asked him how he was getting a different game.
“RedZone Channel,” he said. My eyes went wide. “Scroll up into the 30s, it’s there instead of TV Land.”
Sure enough, it was right there on the channel usually earmarked for TV Land. I had watched almost FIVE HOURS of NFL games I didn’t necessarily want to watch when the RedZone Channel was mere clicks away. I was crestfallen. Heartbroken. Inconsolable. It was like I’d slept the entire flight and woken up at landing to realize that I’d been seated next to Kate Upton the entire time. DEVASTATING.
I’m not kidding when I say this is probably one of the top ten biggest regrets of my life. Fucking hell, JetBlue. Have your flight attendants announce that shit.
Your Meast of the Week is Terrell Suggs, who had three sacks and two forced fumbles in the Ravens’ unlubed raping of the Steelers. Other Meast candidates were Cam Newton, Sebastian Janikowski, Tedd Ginn, and Tom Brady, but they were disqualified for losing, being a kicker, playing the Seahawks, and being Tom Brady, respectively. Besides, making Suggs the Meast takes credit away from Ray Lewis, and we always enjoy that.
Your Least of the Week:
Tony Romo! Let’s go to the AP for this one:
Twice in the final 10 minutes Sunday night, all Romo had to do was throw the ball away, or simply fall down. Had he done the smart, safe thing on either play, the Dallas Cowboys likely would’ve come away with a stunning start to their season.
Instead, he fumbled 3 yards from the end zone and threw an interception that set up a field goal…
“I cost us a football game,” Romo said afterward.
Seriously, that’s impressive work. A lot of players — say, Roman Harper, Donovan McNabb, Bryant McFadden –need a full 60 minutes of shitty play to cost their team the game. Tony Romo can do it in less than ten. We don our commemorative 9/11 gloves to salute you, sir. NEVER FORGET.