Announcer: If you’re looking to make the playoffs this season, why not sign new free agent Matt Flynn? Out of an estimated 50,000 quarterbacks in the world, Matt Flynn is by far the best.
Matt Flynn: Hello. Let me be your backup quarterback. Please? Let me be your backup. It would mean so much to me, if you would just let me back up your starting quarterback. Come on, you’re gonna need a backup quarterback then! Somebody’s gotta hold the clipboard! Why.. why can’t it be me? Please? Hey! Hey! Please? Let me be your backup.
Matt Flynn’s Agent: Come on, let the boy be your backup quarterback!
Matt Flynn: Hi, hello. Are you good? Good! Let me start this week. Come on, please? Let me start? There’ll be so many touchdowns you’ll need this week. Let me start. Come on, I’m already gonna be your backup! Just say yes to letting me start. Please? Don’t look away – look at me! I honestly and sincerely would like to start this week.
Matt Flynn’s Agent: He’s a good hard-working boy! Let him start this week!
Matt Flynn: Hey, look who’s here! It’s nice to see you again, you look great! Promote me to regular starter. Don’t shake your head “no.” Make me your regular starter. Please? Nothing bad’s gonna happen. I’ll play just as well as the other guy. You can trust me. I’ll even rush for some touchdowns, how’s that? Please?
Matt Flynn’s Agent: SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, WHAT IS THE HOLDUP?! LET HIM BE YOUR REGULAR STARTER! HE SAID HE’D RUSH FOR TOUCHDOWNS!
Matt Flynn: Please don’t make me rush for touchdowns.
Matt Flynn’s Agent: HE’S A GOOD POCKET PASSER! GET SOME DAMN RUNNING BACKS TO RUSH FOR TOUCHDOWNS! FOR GOD’S SAKES!
Matt Flynn: Sign me to a long-term deal with guaranteed money, please? When you make me your starter, give me a long-term deal. Please, sign me to a long-term deal? I’ll put all my things in the corner. That’ll be my little area. Please? I won’t bother you. You won’t even have to look at me. Please, sign me to a long-term deal, please? I’d like an answer, and I’d like that answer to be “yes.” Please? I’m already your starter. If you didn’t want to sign me to a long-term deal, why’d you let me start? Just sign me to a long-term deal, please?
Matt Flynn’s Agent: Can we STOP this cruel game! And allow the boy to keep ONE shred of diginity! For God’s sake, I can’t STAND to see him in all this pain!! You VICIOUS BASTARDS!! Sign him to a long-term deal!! Is it so bad to see somebody happy?! So just SIGN HIM!! For the LOVE OF GOD, give him a long-term deal!! Good Lord!!
Matt Flynn: I’m not gonna beg you. My track record speaks for itself. I’m confident you’ll make the right decision.
Announer: Matt Flynn, NFL quarterback. Let’s face it, he’s coming to your practice anyway.