Nancy Grace: Good evening, ladies and geeeentlemen. Tonight, it’s time to address ah SCOURGE, ah TRAGEDY that threatens to consumer our every breath in deep darkness: the ongoing deterioration of America via the arrest of players from the NATIONAL FEWTBAWL LEAGUE. Most atrocious is the REPREHENSIBLE BEHAVIOR of TWO members of the San Francisco 49ers football squad, Chris Culliver and Aldon Smith.
Joinin’ me now to talk about all of this SINFUL ACTIVITY is the commissioner of the NATIONAL FEWTBAWL LEAGUE, Roger Gewdell.
Roger Goodell: Thank you, Nan-
Nancy: Now don’t you interrupt me, you ne’er-do-weeeell purveyor of violent porNOGRAWPHEE. Yew are directly responsible for awl the fussin and mussin that’s been going on with yer players. You are the COMMISSIONER and you have to DEFEND THE SHIEEEEEELD.
Roger: Well, you see, Nancy, we’ve tried really hard to-
Nancy: I don’t buy it, mister! Not one bit, not fer one minute. This has been a DISEEEEEASE for the last several yeeers. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?
Roger: Well, Nancy, we have a strict no-tolerance policy for-
Nancy: NOT GEWD ENOUGH. Even college players are getting arrested now. IT’S A SLIPPERY SLOPE, MISTER COMMISSIONER. These players are getting DRUNK and MAKING THREATS AT AIRPORT. I fear for our cheeldren, sir, OUR CHEELDREN, DON’T YEW CARE ABOUT OUR CHEELDREN? GOOD GAWD.
Nancy: NO, SIR. Mewving on! Our next guest is a coach with a TREW zero-tolerance policy for this kind of NONSENSE. We have – Eckskews me. Our prodewcers tell me that Coach Saban of the CREEMSON TAHD is unavailable so I’m told we have another coach who’s going to join us here in studio to talk about the recent arrests, including the recent dismissal of the arrest of Daniel Kilgore-
[STUDIO DOOR FLIES OPEN]
Rex Ryan: WOOOOOOOOO, NANCY “HOT NIP” GRACE! What’s going on, girl? Hey, Robby, get your ass in here!
Rob Ryan: WOOOOO! Let’s do this! NATIONAL TELEVISION, YOLO!
Nancy: Eckskews me, gentlemen but who in the blue hell are you and what in the blue hell are you doing in my stewdio???
Rob: We’re here to talk about DEFENDIN’ THE SHILED! This NO FUN LEAGUE has got to stop, ain’t it, Rexy?
Rex: WOOOO, you said it, Rob The Destroyer. Show ’em what you got!
[Rob pounds a six pack of Dixie Beer.]
Nancy: NOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
Rex: I’ll tell you what, Nancy, that no good COMMIE of a COMMISH has taken away all of our good times in this here league of GROWN ASS MEN.
Rob: You tell ’em, Rexasaurus!
Nancy: These men are IDOLS for our cheeeeeldren and their behavior is taking us down a TWADRY slope to HELL.
Rob: Aw, hell, lady, get those britches untwisted and HAVE A BEER! There ain’t nothing in the NFL that is any worse than any damn news network what with the glamorization of murderers and child killers and spouse stabbers.
Nancy: This is the DEGRADATION of AMERICA, sir, this is the –
Rob: Awwwwwwwww, c’mon, Nancy! Don’t tell me you can’t have a little fun, what with your dancing.
Nancy: This is not the issue, SIR, the issue is about the players and their DASTARDLY behavior, not any extracurricular activites-
Rex: I told you she was no fun, Rob. LONG LIVE THE NFL, THE LAND OF HOPE, DREAMS, AND MORE BEER THAN ANYONE CAN HOPE TO EVER CONSUME.
Rob: FOREVER AND EVER AMEN.
Nancy: Now wait just a MINEEEEEET-
Rex: Hey, Rob-o-cop, let’s go party like the 1990s Dallas Cowboys.
Rob: Hookers and blow! I LOVE IT!
Nancy: Now wait just a damn second, this MAH SHOW- awww, fuck it.