MTV turned 25 recently. You would expect the channel that perfected self-fellatio well before ESPN and HBO discovered it would spend an entire month telling you how fucking great MTV has made the world over the past quarter century. But when I tuned into MTV on its official birthday, all I saw was regular programming. I’m not sure they even created a logo for it.
And then, it dawned on me. In a neat little bit of irony, MTV is now, at 25, too fucking old for its core demographic of 12-year-old retarded girls. They can’t broadcast their age because their audience may then abandon them for younger, douchier channels like Fuse. Which is kind of heartwarming. Congratulations, MTV. You are now VH1. Which makes VH1, uh… C-SPAN. Or something.
Anyway, you see this logo up above? That’s the old “MTV Exclusive” logo, or at least similar to it. Back when I masturbated four times a day instead of two, this logo accompanied any new video exclusively aired on MTV. If said video was by Def Leppard, it usually was #1 on Dial MTV the next day. I used to watch that show knowing the exact order of the videos from the previous day. So I fucking knew when the number one video was something new. True, it could be “Always There For You” by Stryper. Or it could be a 4 Reasons Unknown video. Or something else that was fucking terrible. But, more often than not, it was a hair metal video that featured lots and lots of hot tits. My penis still knows the entire “Up All Night” video by heart. God bless you, Slaughter. Chicks + Falling Water = Awesome.
I also was a big fan of “Poison” by Alice Cooper and “Tease Me, Please Me” by The Scorpions, which actually featured a housewife nailing the pool boy. Why? Why the fuck not?
Now, can anything be more exciting than a brand new titty-laden video when you’re 11 and desperately horny? Well, Week 4’s meastiest player comes close. It’s Santana Moss of the Redskins!
Moss has a quiet 3 first games of the year until last week, when he had the first 3 TD game of any wideout this year and made Unsilent Majority go “Oy Vey!” right in his pants, after putting the Jags to bed with a stellar catch and run in overtime.
So cheers to Santana, for a spankworthy performance worthy of misogynistic 80’s videos.