When Steve Irwin died, I wasn’t all that sad because it was pretty clear that the guy was doing what he loved and not regretting a single second of it. It’s like if I were to be killed while masturbating. I liked Irwin’s shows a lot, except when his wife did the voice-overs. But what killed me was just how completely passionate (i.e. obsessively deranged) he was about crocodiles. When Irwin got in deep shit for calling Australian prime minister John Howard the greatest leader in the world, he responded by saying, “Oh man, politics! It’s far safer on a croc farm!” You just know this guy related everything back to crocodiles.
Steve Irwin after dinner: “Boy, I sure ate a lot of shrimp, but that’s nothing compared to what a two-ton crocky eats!”
Steve Irwin during a rectal exam: “You’re getting in deep, doc! But not nearly as deep as the gigantic fangs of a West African croc!”
Steve Irwin after coitus: “That sex was great, love! Almost as gratifying as clamping down on a croc in the wilds of Papua-New Guinea! Say, I’m engorged again!”
I bet he wasn’t even all that impressed with the stingray that killed him. “You’re deadly, Mr. Stingray. But you’re not as deadly as a croc, mate!” It’s pretty rare you find someone so singularly dedicated. Which is why people loved Irwin, and why they’ve decided to murder stingrays in a wildly misguided and Michael Irvinesque attempt at revenge on the entire stingray species. I can just picture Russell Crowe’s character from Romper Stomper tearing a ray’s head off while screaming, “This one’s for Hunter, you right cunny!”
Irwin’s passion and his contagious enthusiasm makes him the perfect namesake for our new weekly award for the league’s meastiest player. After all, Irwin himself probably had lots of meast going on. He wore the same pair of shorts every fucking day for two decades. The guy probably smelled like an overripe stilton from 25 meters away. And so, during the season, we’ll bestow this man/beast honor upon a player whose exploits on or off the field deserve Badass recognition. The winner gets conferred honorary Meast status, plus a generous, Theismann-style dick-sucking from myself or someone else on the KSK staff.
This week’s honoree is none other than Shawne Merriman of the Chargers.
Merriman had three sacks and six tackles against the Raiders on Monday Night. It’s a good bet the Raiders won’t win more than one game this year, but that hardly spoils the fact that Merriman treats left tackles like Sean Connery treats his wife. Shawne Merriman will sack your QB and then punch your wife right in the crotch in front of your children. He’s that fearless. He’ll roast a turkey for 8 hours just so he can ram it straight up your ass. He takes night classes so he can taunt QB’s in seven different languages, including Flemish. He rapes rhinos. The man is scary.
So here’s to you, Shawne. The KSK Meast of Week 1.
NOTE: I’ve decided that the word Rumph should be used as an interjection after successful anal intercourse. Sheila and I went back to my place and Rumph! Rumph! Rumph!