Hey you! Yes, you! Ever wanted to punch a baby, but didn’t know how to do it? Well, you’re in luck! Because now you can learn from America’s top baby punching expert, Steve Smith!
“Hi. I’m Steve Smith of the Carolina Panthers. Now that our season is over, I can get back to one true passion in life: punching babies. I’ve made lot of Pro Bowls and earned millions of dollars in my lifetime. But none of that compares to the satisfaction that comes with well-executed baby punch. I’ve punched a lot of things: women, cars, walls, dogs, mirrors, bathroom stall partitions, antelope, Ken Lucas’ stupid face, vaginas, and car rental clerks. BUT BABY PUNCHING IS THE BEST PUNCHING YOU CAN GET.
“I’ve punched over 347 babies in my lifetime. And now, I’d like to share the secrets to my success with you. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT, ASSHOLE? I WILL PUNCH YOU AND YOUR FUCKING KIDS.”
The Steve Smith 5-step baby punching technique is practiced by baby-slaughtering professionals the world over, from Colombia to Nairobi. And now, for the first time ever, Steve is going to show you how to punch babies LIKE A PRO!
STEP ONE: FIND A BABY
STEVE SAYS: “Findin’ babies isn’t hard. You can usually find one or two lying around Darren McFadden’s house. Otherwise, I suggest heading to the grocery store. Lots of women take their babies there. They’re usually sitting in the cart, crying or some shit because they can’t reach a box of Fruit Roll Ups or something. God, babies are so fucking stupid. I can’t wait to find one and then punch the shit out of it. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, BITCH? WELL, MAYBE STEVE SMITH NEEDS TO BREAK YOUR FUCKING EYES.”
STEP TWO: SCOUT THE BABY’S WEAKNESS
STEVE SAYS: “You can’t just go punch a baby right away. You gotta watch them for a bit, so you can pick up on their tendencies. No need to rush. Like this one time, I noticed that whenever this one lady said HOORAY to her baby, the baby raised her arms. That opens up a great path for your fist. So then I went up to the kid and said HOORAY! Then the baby raised her arms and I went BOOM BITCH! Dropped that baby like a damn stone. DAMN, THAT’S GOOD BABY PUNCHING. If that baby didn’t have a shit in her pants before then, she sure did afterwards. AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.”
STEP THREE: BEGIN YOUR WINDUP
STEVE SAYS: “The key to a good windup is to use your whole body. Don’t just cock your arm back. You won’t get good torque that way. You want to twist your entire torso, so that you’re punching that baby with the entire force of your body weight. AND DON’T SKIMP ON THE KNUCKLE TAPE.”
STEP FOUR: PUNCH THE BABY
STEVE SAYS: “Now, plant your right foot forward and deliver a swift blow right to the baby’s face. If you do it right, you won’t even hear the baby cry! It’ll just shut the fuck up. It’s like silencing the crowd on the road. Can’t get better than that. The key is, DON’T BABY THAT BABY. Too many guys get into baby punching thinking it’s easy, and then when they gotta do it, they say, ‘Hey, why am I punching a baby?’ BECAUSE BABIES ARE STUPID, THAT’S WHY. NOW PUNCH THAT BABY, OR I WILL PUMMEL YOUR BALLS. STEVE SMITH SAY IT’S BABY-MASHING TIME.”
STEP FIVE: RUN
STEVE SAYS: “You have to be able to run fast, because the second you punch that baby, the crowd is gonna react. I like to run wind sprints all spring long to keep my calves strong. That way, ain’t no mother out there that can catch me. All they can do is yell and say, ‘AHHHH WHY ARE YOU PUNCHING MY BABY?! WHAT KIND OF MAN PUNCHES INNOCENT CHILDREN?! WHY? MY BABY! MY BABY!’ That’s funny. I PUNCHED YOUR BABY BECAUSE YOUR BABY LACKS HEART. SHE WAS JUST LAYING THERE LIKE A LITTLE BITCH. I’M IN THIS LIFE TO WIN! YOUR BABY JUST GOT OUTCLASSED!
“You got a problem with how I do business? No? Because I’ll fucking drive a car over your fucking parents if you do. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME. I AM NOT A NICE PERSON.”