Stop Asking For Egg Nog, Peter King! Come On.

12.27.10 7 years ago 77 Comments

When we last left Clown Shoes beer spokeselephant Peter King, he was yelling a lot in the NBC viewing room, unleashing his beernerditry on you all, and letting Newsweek editors know just what he thinks about their font selection. Light: BROUGHTED.

So what about this week? Did Tim Tebow take another Ambien? Will he become a prescription drug addict who ends up breaking records and retiring and unretiring and sending pictures of his dick to people? Because Peter’s gonna need another one of those guys real soon. READ ON.

Actually, before we get to the column, there’s something I’ve noticed about Peter King of late. He starts of EVERY column by telling you he was in the NBC viewing room. Never fails. “I’m Peter King, and I AM ON THE INSIDE.” Let’s see if he does it again.


Humorous dateline alert!

On Sunday, in the warmth of the NBC Studios…

And there it is. Right in the first sentence. Do you know where Peter was last night? Oh, just a little place by the name of ROCK CENTER. At the very heart of the NFL universe. TONY DUNGY AND RODNEY HARRISON ARE THERE, TOO! PETER WILL POINT THIS OUT TO YOU!

I found it absurd the NFL called the Eagles-Vikings game because of snow and wind in Philadelphia.

As did I. The NFL is full of pussies.

Then, at about the time it would have been in the middle of the second quarter of the Eagles game, I stepped outside. It was a four-block walk to my hotel in a city, New York, 90 miles northeast of Philadelphia, in the throes of the same storm Vickville was getting.

I don’t know where Vickville is, but Central Park actually got eight more inches of snow than any part of Philly did.

And on an eight-minute trudge to my hotel, I began to change my mind. Maybe it was the way the snow was wind-turbining sideways, either at my back or in my face.

Sideways precipitation? OUTSIDE OF BOSTON? The heavens are collapsing upon us all!

I don’t mind that the game was called. For the 20 million of you longing for a game to watch last night, I’m sorry. For the 65,000 who might have tried to get to the game (I think maybe 20,000 would have made it), it wouldn’t have been worth it. Yes, I have the same concern Collinsworth has, and I still think the New Jersey Super Bowl is a harebrained idea…

Oh, he just had to get that in there, didn’t he? Man, it was cold last night. HOW COULD THE NFL FORCE REPORTERS TO COVER A SUPER BOWL OUTSIDE IN FEBRUARY THREE YEARS FROM NOW?!

The Vikings are on the best travel roller coaster in NFL history.

It’s almost semi-Bob Papaesque!

Let’s go through their itinerary one step at a time.

WEEK 14: Travel to Detroit
WEEK 15: No travel, game at TCF Stadium
WEEK 16: Travel to Philly, stay two extra days

That’s craziness! You’d think they were Secretary of State with that schedule!

The Seahawks have lost by 19, 16 and 23 in the past 16 days. They’re 6-9. And they’ll be playing at home for a division title Sunday night. Is this a great country or what?

Kudos to you, America. You gave the Seahawks and Tommy Wiseau and a chance to flourish when no other country would.

Cincinnati’s Marvin Lewis will see his contract expire after next week, he’s been lobbying hard for an indoor practice facility.

Seriously? The Bengals don’t have an indoor practice facility? Holy shit.

MARVIN LEWIS: I’d like an indoor practice facility.

MIKE BROWN: Not on my watch, Skippy. You fellers will practice out on the horse lot! It was good enough for my pappy, and it’s good enough for you! Is that a team hat you’re wearing? THAT’S COMIN’ OUT OF YOUR CHECK!

Tebowmania. Given a chance to see what he could do, Tim Tebow made his first start in Denver, came back from a 17-0 deficit and beat the Texans 24-23.

And he did against the worst pass defense the NFL has ever seen. WHAT FORTITUDE.

New England’s a steamroller; seven weeks in a row they’ve scored between 31 and 45 points, and they’ve done it in domes and in Antarctica.

But can they do it in Wichita? That’s the question.

I don’t know who Coach of the Year is.

Welcome to my column! I don’t know anything.

Todd Haley, Kansas City. Wisely handed off play-calling to Charlie Weis in the offseason and become the kind of overlord a head coach should be.

So true. All head coaches should be overlords.

/watches Haley sprout black demon wings

“He changed our culture,” says Tamba Hali.

“We used to be losers. Now we beat horrible teams and act like pricks. I love it!”

Mike McCarthy, Packers.

Just noting that the Beav is on Peter’s best coaches list.

Obvious disclaimer: I work for NBC

Do you? I never would gave guessed, unless I read the first sentence of your column each week.

…so if you think that’s going to so color my opinion on the game that’s being aired in Week 17 Football Night in America, move along. Your call.

/moves on

During Weeks 11 through 16, when NBC flexes games, there’s no question that viewership has something to do with it. This weekend’s choice of Philadelphia-Minnesota was obviously influenced by the raging success of Michael Vick as a TV draw, with the possibility that Brett Favre might play in the game. But in Week 17, all ratings concerns take a back seat to the game that mean the most to the playoff picture.

DICK EBERSOL: Hey guys! Let’s only show important playoff matchups the one week of the year when most playoff slots have already been decided! Is there any way Brett Favre and Michael Vick could be melded into some sort of hybrid dogslinger person?

New stars get cycled into the mix every year. Will Sam Bradford ever be a Manning? Who knows?

Will Bradford ever become a great? I don’t know. Does he have curly hair? MAYBE. Does he have stigmata on his hands that bleed pure mineral water? POSSIBLY.

The other day, I got into a Twitter spat with Minnesota punter Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft on Twitter). Kluwe defended Giants punter Matt Dodge for not being able to punt the ball out of bounds; Dodge’s inbounds punt eight days ago against Philadelphia resulted in DeSean Jackson returning it for the winning touchdown in the Giants’ stunning loss. I criticized Dodge for not being able to do something so elementary, and I defended Tom Coughlin’s right to ream the kid out immediately, which he did in full view of the FOX cameras.

Anyway, Kluwe and I went at it, and I ended up calling him and offering him a chance to rebut me in MMQB. Not in a name-calling way, but in a way where he’d be able to explain why, in his mind, it’s harder to punt it out of bounds than it looks. Here what Kluwe wrote:

Go and read what Kluwe wrote. He absolutely destroys Peter’s shit. It’s easily the best thing to ever appear in King’s column and King, of course, didn’t write it.

Think of the Chiefs winning the AFC West title. That’s amazing to me. Just amazing.



the Colts are starting to look like a team you don’t want to play in the playoffs.

They were the Colts of old. Then they became the Colts of new. Now they are the NEW Colts of old! Part 2!

Imagine going two-thirds of a season without throwing a pick — even though (Tom Brady has) had three or four of them dropped.

Imagine it! Think of it! DREAM of this! You see, people. That’s the magic of MMQB. Peter wants you to think and imagine things that have actually occurred, just so your mind is extra blown. THINKMAGINE IT.

Special Teams Player of the Week

Ted Ginn, PR, San Francisco.

The same Ted Ginn who failed to run out of bounds at the end of the game? CROWN THAT YOUNG MAN.

Sunday night, 9:30, in my midtown Manhattan hotel room. The phone rings. It’s Mike Florio, Mr. and my Sunday NBC partner in crime.

“You OK?” he said. “I’m just checking in on you. Wanted to make sure you got back OK.”

I thought: What are you? My mother?

PFT HEADLINE: “Peter King: Dead?!”

But this was one of those “you had to be there” things. It’s a four-block walk from NBC studios to my hotel. Florio stays at a different hotel, about five blocks from the studio; he walked to his hotel with Rodney Harrison and Tony Dungy.


f. Throw it away, Jay Cutler! Come on.

g. Show up, Tennessee! Come on.

h. Keep running, Braylon Edwards! Come on.

i. More coffee, Willie Cornblatt! COME ON.
j. No more bedbugs, Westin! COME ON.
k. Respect the snow, America! COME ON.

j. NFL scouts and GMs. How is it possible that Danny Woodhead was not drafted?

Because he’s extremely small and could only possibly flourish on a team that has a Hall of Fame QB and the best line in the universe? And because pretty much any back can put up Woodhead’s numbers (which really aren’t all that impressive) in that system, something Woodhead himself has proven?

Eli Manning, who now has five more interceptions than any other quarterback in football. Four picks in a game with major playoff implications … not good. Some of the throws he makes, it’s almost like he’s too confident.

Doesn’t Eli Manning strike you as the exact OPPOSITE of overconfident? Whoa whoa, Eli! Looks like someone’s got an awful lot of swagger out there! Look at him drink so cavalierly from that sippy cup! Look at how firmly he holds his Bunkie!

I think, from what Brett Favre told Andrea Kremer at the Vikings hotel in Philly over the weekend, it sounds like he’s finished and won’t play either of the last two games.

I think. Maybe. Possibly. Probably not.

Finally saw Invictus, on Christmas night.

Oh, thank God.

Never was much of an NBA fan, as most of you know. But in moving to Boston, I’ve gained an appreciation for the Celtics because of how hard they play.


You know you’re getting hooked on the eggnog latte when twice in the last week you hear, “We’re out of eggnog, sir,” and you immediately think of who you can scold for having such a dastardly thing happen.

Even worse: Peter wasn’t even at a Starbucks either or these times. He was just harassing people at the Apple store.

Beernerdness… I’m not normally a Stout guy

You are when you’ve got that much egg nog in you. ZING!

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