Author’s Note: Following Peter King’s tweet about wishing football players would come together and shake hands after games, we received a mysterious email from “firstname.lastname@example.org” with a send date of Nov. 22 2016. We have republished the email below in its entirety.
Wow, Kissing Suzy Kolber. This really brings me back. So quaint back then– we were so naive and unaware, having fun on our little island on the internet. Little did we know that in a few short months, we’d all be a part of something beautiful.
But I guess you have no idea what I’m talking about, so I’ll start from the beginning.
Immediately after the Super Bowl in 2014, Peter King will buy Kissing Suzy Kolber and fully integrate it into The MMQB. It’ll be a big change, and it’ll take a bit of getting used to. There will be some kinks that need working out, but after SI staff implants those microchips into our brains, everything runs a lot smoother and the site gets bigger than it’s ever been.
Later in the offseason, Peter King and Roger Goodell announce their intention to leave their wives and families and marry, culminating years of fantasy by both parties, and indeed the football world at large, in a gigantic, nutmeg-tinged wedding the likes of which the world will have never seen.
Goodell’s sudden, tragic death due to complications from MRSA will shock us all, and though he was an imperfect commissioner, without his aid, football would not have been made into the unstoppable machine it is today. If there is a silver lining to be found in the premature death of Goodell, it is that on his deathbed, Goodell will bequeath the commissioner’s seat to Peter King.
The dawn of the PKFL will be the greatest achievement in sporting history, and Peter King’s sweeping changes to the sport will usher in a new era, a simpler, more pure, more innocent age of football. King’s decision to relocate each football team to a city in New England will make covering football games for The MMQB much easier, as will King’s decision to play every game at Fenway Park. It is a beautiful game that King has created.
At 5:30 AM this past Wednesday, I left my Boston apartment to walk two blocks to cover the New England Patriots host the Vermont Blizzard. I settled into the press box just in time for the 6 AM kickoff, broadcast on NBC Sports Network. The sun was just rising, tinging the sky with pink and red as the coin was tossed high into the autumn air.
I readied myself by tapping my personal keg of Allagash White and kicking my legs up in one of the many extra-wide leather recliners provided to us in the MMQB press box. A friendly barista came by to offer me a frappucino, which I gladly accepted.
The players took the field in the new PKFL-approved gametime gear: a baseball cap and leather pads. While the removal of the helmet from the gameday equipment was controversial at first, studies will prove that concussions will drop by a staggering 100% after the change, while significantly raising the fatality rate only for certain non-essential positions such as wide receiver and running back.
Tom Brady will march the Patriots downfield, opening up an early lead against the Blizzard, a feat made all the more impressive given the fact that His Hoppiness had made quick slants and curl routes illegal a short two weeks before this game was played. The Pats’ offensive line will stand tall, refusing to allow the Blizzard to reach the flags hanging from Brady’s belt and sack him.
However, J.J. Watt and the Vermont defense would quickly make a stand, and due to a rule change that awards points based on the amount of time defenders are able to stay on the field after losing more than a pint of blood in the course of gritty, tenuous play, will come away with the upset.
As time expires, we will stand up from our recliners and, following the time-honored MMQB tradition of giving Brett Favre a quick blowie one by one, we will make our way down to the field. The players congregate near midfield, shaking each other’s hands while wiping the sweat, dirt, and blood from their brows. They toss their grime-caked hats into the stands to screaming children who will cherish them for ages. Tom Brady and J.J. Watt share a hug before Watt is carted off to the hospital for an infusion.
Gisele brought orange slices for everyone.
I don’t expect you to understand this fully, having not seen what I have. But the PKFL is truly the greatest thing that will ever happen to sports in all of our lifetimes.
Oh, speaking of, Christmas Ape– if you’re reading this, know we all miss you and wish you were here. I write this letter to you so that you might know what happens in the future, since you will not be able to see it yourself, given that tragic, unexplained accident that happened to you right after Peter King bought your site.
So chin up, folks. The future is bright.
The Farewell Haiku:
Is the future of football
I’ll see you all there!
Author’s Note: Immediately following this email, two subsequent emails appeared in our tip inbox. We have reproduced those below as well.
i hink they aare gone pleasse snend help i ii have noot eaaaten annyt hin g in 4 month s exccept for starbuccks scones and theyy will no t let me drringgnk any hthing but alllgash i haaave becomm a 350 opound mnonstraosity help me helpm e hhellp me ee he lp me ee mee help me p pppleaese
Please kindly disregard the previous two emails. They are the ravings of a lunatic. Not to worry, he has been redacted. Have a nice day, and we will see you soon, Sissing Kuzy Solber.