Super Bowl Party Report: Ashton! Demi! Uh… Guy Fieri?

02.05.11 7 years ago 20 Comments

Given that I can work from anywhere with an Internet connection, it’s pretty idiotic of pay exorbitant rent for a small apartment in New York City. But that idiocy pays off once every couple years, when my occasional networking with people in the magazine industry results in an invitation to a party I have no right attending. In this case, it was Friday night’s GQ party (co-hosted by Lacoste and Cadillac), featuring free tequila, a performance by Cee-Lo, and lah dee dah look at me I went to a fancy party. Check it out, the elevator had a bar:

Unfortunately, I had to drive last night, and believe it or not I’m actually pretty serious about not getting a DUI. So I had two drinks and spent the next two hours being sober, which — aside from being a total drag for me — also sucks for you, because I’m much better at accosting celebrities and annoying them with picture requests when I’m half blind with liquor. So here’s who I saw:

  • Jessica Lowndes from “90210.” Dammit, she is attractive. I talked to her briefly a couple of times — mostly to tell her to stop following me around — and she was as friendly and sweet as she is good-looking. Ugh, don’t you hate people like that?
  • Cee Lo, obviously. The concert was pretty cool: I was close enough to see his head tattoos. You’d think that a guy who’s obviously overweight and performing under stage lights wouldn’t wear a SNOW SUIT to perform in. No human being should sweat that much in February.
  • Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. Kutcher looked like a doofus. I brushed up against Demi. Nothing too exciting there.
  • Andy Roddick and Brooklyn Decker. I’m sure I’d change my mind if she’d been in a bikini, but I expected Decker to be hotter. I suppose that’s a shitty thing to say given that I look like a pale gremlin standing next to Jessica Lowndes, but hey, I’m not the blonde who showed up at the Super Bowl without touching up my roots. (*snaps in circle*)
  • Hayden Panettiere. If I’ve ever said anything bad about her before, I take it back. That bitch looked HOT last night.
  • Adrian Grenier. He was wearing what looked like a velour track suit jacket. Never in my life have I seen a male celebrity who looked like such a pussy. Dude’s a haircut. Fuck, man. You’re a wealthy Hollywood actor: hire a fucking personal trainer so dickheads like me aren’t so tempted to push you down the stairs.
  • Rich Eisen. He almost ate shit on the stairs.
  • Joe Manganiello, AKA Alcide from HBO’s “True Blood.” He was accompanied by an absolutely STACKED blonde.
  • Kurt and Brenda Warner, who spent most of the night hanging out with Trent Green and his wife. Brenda is thankfully still “hot blonde MILF” and not “scary dyke.” I had a chance to talk to Warner but Peter Schrager from boxed me out. The sonofabitch.
  • Eric Dickerson. Much taller than today’s running backs (save Brandon Jacobs). Still wearing stupid-looking glasses. Hey, remember when he was a sideline reporter? Those days sucked.
  • Guy Fieri. Yup, he was wearing sunglasses on the back of his head at night. Fieri’s SUV actually pulled into the party while I was standing outside in the cold waiting to get in. I wanted the crowd of people I was with to assault the vehicle like an angry mob. God, that would have ruled.
  • Nick Swardson. He seemed very funny and down to earth. He tipped the bartenders generously when no one else was tipping at all.

Anyway, I suck for not taking more pictures. Luckily, GQ has a slideshow of the celebs who were there, and apparently I missed some people. Like, holy shit, how did I miss Michael Bay? I didn’t see any explosions.

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