Hey, are you sitting here reading KSK’s latest round of dick jokes wishing you could actually step onto to the football field? Well, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have the opportunity of a lifetime for you! After deciding that Mike “He’s-Actually-Not-That-Bad Glennon wasn’t actually that good either, and Josh “Who Took Alshon Jeffery Away?!” McCown as the only other option, the desperate franchise has decided to hold a contest to name their next QB, and it will be open to the public.
Rather than the measure potential quarterbacks based on actual ability, those who enter the contest will be evaluated in the following categories:
– Greatest physical similarity to a giraffe
– Ability to look sexy while dressed as a TI-30 calculator
– Willingness to change your number to 80085
– Best impression of Brad Johnson’s Southern drawl
– Convincing ability to throw your arms in the air like “WTF, man!” at Mike Evans or Vincent Jackson even though you threw the ball 15 yards over their head
– Ability to memorize the names of all 46 Buccaneers running backs
– Willing to not ask anyone what Dexter Jackson is doing in the locker room
– Can talk to Lovie Smith for five minutes without asking him what the fuck happened with the 2012 Bears
– Have a name that isn’t Josh Freeman
– Can recite all the lyrics to “Yo Ho (A Pirate’s Life For Me)”
– Are fully aware you aren’t actually trying out for the Pittsburgh Pirates
After the results are tabulated, whoever finishes with the lowest number of points will be named the Bucs new starting quarterback. If there’s a tie, each player will rotate in on a play-by-play basis.