Here at Kissing Suzy Kolber, we’re dedicated to making the crudest, cruelest, and most profane jokes — usually about the NFL, but sometimes about other subjects in order to spread the hate around. We tell fistfuls of dick jokes. We call things “gay” even though we know we shouldn’t. We get accused of misogyny. We’re horrible people for doing what we do, and you’re not much better for reading it.
That’s why we do KSK Kares. For one week a year, we pick a good cause and try to raise some money for it. It’s a karmic Hail Mary — right now, the score at KSK is 51 weeks of evil to zero weeks of good since the last football season started, and we need a big score.
And so, like last year, I’m going to participate in Fight Gone Bad, which this year benefits Livestrong and the Wounded Warrior Project. (You’ve no doubt heard about Livestrong thanks to Lance Armstrong and Nike; the Wounded Warrior Project is dedicated to helping injured veterans adjust to life after war through advocacy, counseling, and various programs.)
However, KSK wouldn’t ask for you to give money without offering something in return. This year, I’m offering readers two different kinds of incentives:
- Prizes to individuals who donate the most money, and
- Fundraising benchmarks that increase the public humiliation I subject myself to. I’m talking embarrassment like I’ve never experienced before. And I’ve been filmed in a public park in my underwear.
Interested? Read on for an instructive FAQ.
Q: So what is Fight Gone Bad, anyway?
Fight Gone Bad is a CrossFit workout that was originally developed for BJ Penn to simulate the physical exertion in a UFC fight. It’s three five-minute rounds of grueling exercise with one-minute rest intervals between rounds. Here’s a nice tutorial:
Over the last couple of years, some enterprising and generous masochists decided to harness the gut-wrenching evil in this workout and use it to raise money for cancer research and veterans’ programs.
I’ll try not to stand on this soapbox for too long, but I want to make it clear how important veterans’ advocacy groups like the Wounded Warrior Project are to me. You know how you occasionally have those dreams where you show up to school, and you’re not ready for the final exam? Or you have to go onstage in front of a lot of people, but you’re not wearing pants? It’s a specific kind of dream about being unprepared that makes you wake up in a cold sweat.
Veterans have dreams like that, except they’re about war, and they’re colored with traumatic memories of split-second decisions that led to the death or disfigurement of others. When I have them, I’m usually trying to stop my fellow Marines from shooting when children are caught in the crossfire. My short combat stint ended seven years ago, so the dreams are rare enough, but it’s an unpleasant way to wake up, and the dream always haunts me for two or three days after I have it. But I realize that I’m lucky; many others have those dreams every night, and many more have the constant reminder of a missing leg, a missing arm, the loss of vision, chronic pain from bones replaced with steel rods, or endless surgeries to fix the nerve damage that hot steel causes when it finds flesh.
So yeah, I think I can give a couple of dollars to people who’ve been permanently handicapped because they volunteered to fight America’s wars while we’ve been sitting on our asses and talking about Katy fucking Perry.
Q: What’s in it for me?
Scientists have actually proven that our brains’ pleasure receptors benefit from the act of generosity. So it feels good to donate money to worthy causes like cancer research and veterans’ causes.
However, if it’s tangible gifts you’re looking for, good news! Because I’m prepared to give away my favorite belongings and a bunch of swag to people who donate money. For example, if everyone donates enough money this Labor Day weekend, I’ll win an iPad. And as much as I really want a fucking iPad, I’d rather give it to the person who donates the most money between now and the end of Monday.
Other things I’ll be giving away to top donors:
- The History Channel’s “WWII in HD” on DVD and Blu-Ray.
- The entire series of Y: The Last Man (volumes 1-10).
- The entire series of DMZ (so far, that is: volumes 1-8).
- Garmin eTrex H handheld GPS.
Also, anyone who makes a donation of $150 or more receives an open invitation to my Brooklyn apartment, where I will make you two drinks of your choice and give you any four books from my beloved library.* I’ve moved my books all over the country for ten years, but inevitably all they do is sit on the shelf and wait for someone else to read them. Better that they find a new home for a good cause.
Anyway, you can sit at my bar, and I’ll be more than happy to discuss literature or fantasy football with you as my charming Rottweiler mix Stella vies for your affection. That sounds weird, but I promise that Stella and I will do our best to ensure it isn’t awkward. (Photos: most of my fiction, most of my nonfiction/military books, Stella, AWWWW)
*On the off chance that enough people do this to drain my library, the offer is good while books last. Fortunately, I never run out of booze, so applicable donors are still welcome for drinks.
Q: What’s Ufford willing to do to humiliate himself?
I’m glad you asked. Last year’s KSK Kares raised over $8,300. I expect to raise at least that much this year, and I’m placing incentives to take the total higher. Here they are:
At eight grand, I hire someone to record and edit an unflattering video of me doing Fight Gone Bad. Last year, I promised to try my best to make myself vomit from exertion; this year, I’ve taken the added step of making my final event rowing, an exercise that my body hates and responds to with physical illness. It’s much more likely that I’ll throw up this year; don’t you want that caught on film and posted on YouTube? I certainly don’t, but I’ll do it for the right price.
For nine thousand dollars, I’ll shave my head before Fight Gone Bad. In the years since I left the Marine Corps, I’ve come to love my beautiful head of hair, and at 32 years of age, I’m no longer certain it will grow back. Oh well.
This is the goal that I dread. At ten thousand dollars, I will do Fight Gone Bad — a brutal workout that taxes even the fittest people alive — wearing nothing but sneakers and these shorts:
I don’t own these dreadful shorts, but I’m willing to pay $45 for them if you people can raise $10,000 on my Fight Gone Bad page. I get to choose the color, though.
$11,000 and up:
YOU get to choose the color. Yes, leopard print is an option. God help me.
Q: So how do I donate?
It’s crazy easy. Go to my fundraising page and you can donate via credit card, PayPal, or even check. Then you’ll get a confirmation email from RapidGiving. If you want to be eligible for a prize, forward that confirmation to me. I’ll have updates throughout the week, and all KSK posts will be appended with the link to donate. Let’s fucking DO THIS.
(Or not. I’d be happy to not wear those shorts.)