(2:00 to go. 1st and Goal.)
Donovan McNabb: Okay, Coach! What’s the play? We gotta get to the house on this drive! What’s the call? What’s the call?
Andy Reid: (through the headset) Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down there, son. Plenty of time on the clock. Plenty of time. Don’t want to do anything rash here. Gotta think this through. Let me ask you something, Donovan. Have you ever tried farm fresh eggs? I mean, REAL farm fresh eggs?
Reid: There’s a little roadside stand in Bux County I like to go to. And they sell these cartons of eggs from chickens they raise themselves. And, I have to say, they are fucking AMAZING.
McNabb: Coach, there’s not much time! We have to… wait, are those the organic eggs?
Reid: No, no, Donovan. You see, something can still be labeled organic and not be all that fresh. Organic is just a catchall term. I’m talking real fresh eggs. You ever have an egg where the yolk is kind of orange, instead of yellowish?
McNabb: Oh, I have tried those. You’re right. They’re terrific. Do you have those in an omelet?
Reid: No, I like them sunny side up. Omelets get a little dry, you know what I mean? I like my eggs a bit runny.
McNabb: The ref is telling me I have to run a play coach.
Reid: Oh. Well, fuck it. Just run Westbrook up the gut.
(1:30 to go. 2nd and Goal.)
Reid: Now, the key to eating a sunny side up egg is to break the yolk with your knife. Then you turn it over onto your toast and kind of smear the yolk all over the bread. You just cover every square inch of that toast with yolky goodness. It really is something.
McNabb: The players seem to be yelling at me to run a play, Coach. (throws up)
Reid: No need to rush. Plenty of time on the clock, here. Plenty of time. I tell you the real dilemma I have with breakfast. Sometimes I want something sweet, like pancakes. But then I also want something savory, like eggs. But I feel like having both is kind of piggish. You know what I mean?
McNabb: Well, if you have both in moderation, it’s not really that big of a deal. Besides, you could use the food, coach. You’re wasting away!
Reid: Oh, stop.
McNabb: I mean it.
Reid: Oh, please. You know how to flatter people, I’ll give you that. You really think I look okay?
McNabb: Oh, yeah. I mean, you’re a big guy. But you’re not FAT. The ref is telling me to hurry it up again, coach.
Reid: Oh. Well then, just do that Westbrook thing again. Then spike the ball as casually as humanly possible.
(0:45 to go. 3rd and Goal.)
Reid: See, I dunno. Some days, I feel very fit. But if I have a big eating day, sometimes I get this very bloated feeling. And I get this terrible heartburn. It makes me worry about my cholesterol and what not. But it feels so good when I eat, so how can it be that bad for me?
McNabb: Well, that’s the problem. If you always associate eating with feeling good, then you’re over-relying on it to make you happy. (throws up)
Reid: That’s very interesting. God, I’m so glad you’re my quarterback, Donovan. I just don’t feel like I have anyone else to talk to about shit like this. Did I ever tell you about my dream to be a cop?
McNabb: Coach, the ref is hassling me again.
Reid: Hmm. Better go play action here. They’ll never see it coming. Be sure to have LJ catch the ball short of the goal line. Also, take your time calling the last timeout. It kind of psyches the defense out.
(0:01 to go. 4th and Goal.)
McNabb: What do we do here, Coach?
Reid: I tell you what I’m thinking about here, Don. My Netflix queue. See, I have “The Darjeeling Limited” at the top of it. But I’m not really all that eager to see it. I want to be fucking EXCITED for the movie I rent, you know? But it’s so hard to find movies that both the wife and I will enjoy together.
McNabb: What about renting a TV series instead? I heard “Dexter” is intriguing.
Reid: Oh, there’s an idea. Maybe we should conference Peter King into this talk. Is there a way to do that?
McNabb: I’m not sure.
(False start penalty. Game ends.)
Reid: Well, that was fun. Let’s do this again next week. I wanted to talk to you about my urine, which has been a bit cloudy of late.