According to a Harris Poll, the Denver Broncos are now the most popular team in the country. This shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone, as they have had top billing on ESPN analysis shows and national games since Josh McDaniels decided to draft Teebz in 2010 and, after that hilarious year of stupid, John Elway secured the robot with the forehead in all those terrible pizza ads. (Way to pull off the Ultimate Dad jersey-jeans tuck, Peyton!). Combine all of that with dependable regular season success and less competition for the late afternoon slot in Sunday games, and you’ve got ample opportunity to jump on that traffic-cone orange bandwagon. But how can you convince people that you were there THE WHOLE TIME? How can you distance yourself from the OTHER insufferable fans joining under the universally reviled “America’s Team” banner?
As KSK’s resident Broncos fan, I’m here to educate you on the ins and outs of becoming an asshole bandwagon fan. I won’t judge you or put you down, because the more of you there are, the more likelihood someone actually opens a Broncos bar here in Pittsburgh, and really – that’s my endgame in all of this. I’ve compiled a checklist of things you can do TODAY to root for the Broncos.
1) Wear orange. This is important! Make sure to buy and wear as much of it as possible. For the late 90s and 2000’s, the Broncos buried the orange and the stadium crowd became the most boring looking group in the NFL. Now we look like an enormous detour sign. And hey, if you really want bonus points, why not tape a million orange pom-poms onto yourself so you can look like a rejected muppet?
2) Build upon what you already know. Seeing as you’ve drifted from team to team over the years, you probably know a bit about the Broncos already. As a Patriots fan, you may remember how annoying it was to watch Peyton Manning wave his arms for 20 seconds before every play. Guess what? YOU GET TO WATCH THAT ALL THE TIME NOW! Be sure to yell “Omaha!” at all of your friends, repeatedly! They’ll love you forever. When you were a Steelers fan, you probably remember cursing Emmanuel Sanders for dropping crucial passes. He’s here too, though he’s doing a lot better at that. It’s obviously a ruse. We’re just waiting for the actual crucial games. And hey, remember when you had your Cowboy phase? Well, we have some guy by the name of DeMarcus Ware. You may remember him. You can even use orange electric tape around the numbers on your navy Cowboys jersey and no one will know the difference.
3) Know your history. So how do you distinguish yourself as a TRUE FAN SINCE 2014? Do some research on the team’s history. Maybe you remember John Elway from the mid 90s, or perhaps not. He’s only the greatest player of all time (Say this even if facts suggest otherwise. Remember, VOLUME over substance!). Perhaps you haven’t really seen him in awhile, but let me tell you that time has not treated Mr. Elway well. His face has become elongated and the wrinkles of the golden years have become more apparent:
There’s also a few other things you should know. The 1960s had bad socks. Everyone wants the old 80s jerseys back, and the retro D logo looks like a sneezing unicorn slapfighting someone. Mike Shanahan (you may remember him from those 3 weeks you were a Washington fan after they drafted RG3) is considered the best coach they’ve ever had, and every Hall of Fame announcement is a travesty because Karl Mecklenburg and Randy Gradishar never make it in. Terrell Davis is the greatest running back of all time even if he ended up being a flash-in-the-pan back whose career ended too quickly because of a Brian Greise interception, and Steve Atwater’s hit against Christian Okoye is amazing every time you watch it.
4) Know the chant. Broncos cans can be pretty raucous, and sometimes when you’re watching a game, you might pick up on a chant that happens on the most boring play of the game. It’s quite possibly the only universal complaint I get from anyone who isn’t a Denver fan. That’s right, what you’re hearing is “IN-COM-PLETE”. It’s so bad, that people complained when it was introduced into Madden and annoyed the shit out of everyone. The stadium sound crew used to append a sad trombone noise at the end, but I don’t think that’s there anymore. Imagine if every crowd took that kind of pleasure in the mundane. Perhaps a FAIR CATCH shout, or MODEST THREE YARD RUSH CALLED BACK DUE TO ILLEGAL PROCEDURE. The possibilities are infinite. KICK FOR TOUCH-BACK *clap clap clapclapclap*
You will still do this chant at games because peer pressure is a very powerful thing and you crave acceptance above all else.
And finally, the most important part of being a Broncos fan:
5) Know where to go after inevitable championship failure. Perhaps you don’t realize this, but no one loses Super Bowls like the Denver Broncos. Sure, the Bills probably have the most agonizing stretch, and we’ve won two in our history, but we’ve lost the most and normally lose them by a LOT, so you’ll need a plan B once all that energy you’ve built up over the season escapes like a wet fart. Be sure to attribute failure to the chosen jersey color in the Super Bowl, followed by calling for the head of the assistant coach on side of the ball that you feel wronged you the greatest amount. Since you’ll be bandwagoning, consider this your opportunity to jump ship to whichever NFC team has destroyed us. Hey, I hear the Cowboys are pretty good and don’t have many fans.