The Best Moments From Bears-Cowboys Monday Night

10.02.12 5 years ago 38 Comments

Judged solely on the basis of closeness of score and quality of quarterback play, you could argue that Monday Night Football was a waste of time. I’m not gonna fight you on those points. I will say, however, that if you watched the game last night and didn’t enjoy the sh*t out of it, I don’t know why you even bother to come to this site. Seriously, it was great.

Last night was a treasure trove of hilarious bumbling, ridiculous behavior and schadenfreude. It was a shot of Jerry Jones ripping a stack of money in half and stuffing Jerry Wipes down the gullet of his son-in-law in a fit of rage away from being the perfect hate-watching game. It was everything I thought it could be and then some.

Early in the proceedings, Mike Tirico explained that Jason Garrett had simplified the Cowboys offense recently to best suit Romo’s skills in terms of ability and comprehension. It was truly a magnificent set up for what followed.

That it the second game of Romo’s career with five interceptions is glorious. Even better, it makes up for the previous time when Romo threw five picks on Monday night against Buffalo, but the Bills screwed the pooch and let the Cowboys come back and win, which only helped to contribute to the sad legend of Romo. It also allowed a bunch of analysts to praise him for having amnesia. Not last night, though. Each interception seemed imbued with the memory of the one that came before. It was a many layered derpy performance.

Romo was also apparently insisting with reporters after the game that the turnover that Lance Briggs returned for a touchdown was a fumble and not an interception. He’s trying to save face after that game! Lovely. Just lovely.

Let’s dissect this masterpiece, shall we?

Romo threw so many picks, he made extra work for me. I’m not about to post five separate videos of Romo throwing picks, so I spliced all five together for your viewing pleasure. I trust you will enjoy.

There are surely Romo defenders out there who insist that all those picks aren’t Romo’s fault. Sure, not all of them are. Dez Bryant was responsible for one and Kevin Ogletree another. That still leaves three picks you can lay on the Double J’s bright shining star. Another counterargument: “But he had to force it to make quick splash plays!” Why, because he was down 10 points in the third quarter? Fuck that.

/kisses fingers

I know it’s so rich and probably bad for me, but I just couldn’t refuse a second helping. Oh, the delicious pain.

I know I included all the Romo picks in the video in the previous slide, but it helps to watch it in context. Because there was a two-play sequence where Cutler and Romo turned the ball over on consecutive snaps. It made me think that should be an all-turnover mode on Madden, where the QB is guaranteed to give it to the defense on every play and the winner is determined by which unit and return the ball to the end zone on its own. I’d play the shit out of that.

Brian Urlacher is on the exact polar opposite of the shithead spectrum from Jay Cutler. He’s loud. He cares too much. He’s an overt prick for no reason. It’s remarkable that he and Cutty are on the same team. He’s the dog who constantly shits in the house, barks are neighborhood children, eats your furniture and doesn’t do anything you ask of him. But it’s fun to watch him laugh at Tony Romo. I assume dogs do that. I don’t know; I don’t own one.

If it weren’t for Romo being Romo, Cutler dismissively walking away from Mike Tice would be the sole talk radio talking point coming out of this game. Even still, it’s a big one. Not that I mind. It’s perfectly Cutty and downright hilarious. What I didn’t need was hearing Trent Dilfer making a contrarian defense of it during the post-game show. Dilfer suggests that when you have a slightly above average quarterback, you don’t try to change him even though he ignores coaches and openly chastises teammates. You’ll take him out of his comfort zone, Dilfer warns. I can’t wait for Dilfer to try to be chummy with Jay at some point and get blown off, only to bitterly turn on him.

Instead of the less charismatic version of Michael Irvin that the Cowboys had hoped he would be, it’s clear Dez Bryant is instead just a more violent version of Roy Williams.

Spotted by reader Mike. Your guess is as good as mine, though flubby said he could use some floppy ears to complete the look.

Just wouldn’t be a worthwhile Cowboys game without a sideline shot of Rob Ryan screaming FUCK YOU from the sidelines.

Gruden got into the peyote good last night. The pregame rant about Texas alone will be pored over for weeks. I wouldn’t be surprised if there is a serial killer’s manifesto buried within that unhinged monologue, in which Gruden compares Jay Cutler to Josey Wales and Tony Romo to John Wayne. Gruden was shouting and carrying on the way we cartoonishly depict Jerry Jones on this site. Which is fitting, as they’re about even in terms of pure insanity.

Gruden also stated referring to short completions as “bluegills.” I suppose that’s a fishing term. I don’t know. The less you understand, the better.

It was a case of bad timing for the officiating crew last night. It’s not their fault that they drew the final game of the week of the refs’ grand return. They wanted to make a gesture, however clumsy, that they were glad to be back. However, since they were working the last of the Week 4 games and another ref crew had already made a grievous error, all the good will for the real refs is already extinguished. We’ve ready to put all the scab ref shit behind us and never hear about it again. Though it is amusing that the refs signed their banner with the sassiest font possible. Whoa there, real refs. I bet you’re hitting the town after the game.

Shame that injury had to befall Matt Forte a single carry into his return from a previous injury. Forte returned to the game but finished with a mediocre stat night. Most likely a precautionary measure by the Bears to limit his touches. Still, someone pointed out to Common on Twitter and he and Forte are more or less rocking the same look. I enjoyed it enough that I may even bother to give “Hell on Wheels” another try, though probably not.

I know that admitting to liking something ESPN does is poor form among a lot of the blogger community, but I dig the Soundtracks feature. Of course, that’s more of a function of NFL Films being good than ESPN, but the Worldwide Leader is to be commended for at least having just enough common sense to air the feature. During the halftime segment, Soundtracks included a short clip of Aaron Rodgers telling one of the regular officials that the Packers could have used them the week before. It’s funny because the real refs proceeded to screw them on another potentially disastrous call.

As a bonus, during Countdown, ESPN aired this clip of Brandon Marshall berating J’Marcus Webb for not having his shoe on. This completely validates all my perceptions of Webb’s competence in even getting day-to-day activities right.

Don’t mind me. Just shoehorning this Kellen Davis catch in here because, while incredibly lucky, it was awesome nonetheless.

winsome lose some
According to the new Sportscenter ad, Scott Van Pelt is not invited to Tony Romo’s orgies.

Lothar of the Hill People
“Typical sell-out crowd”
Yeah, that pretty much describes Cowboys fans.

Otto Man
I bet Gruden calls this game the Shocker. “Two teams in pink, both of them stink!”

You know that one time when you needed an injury/re-injury to win your league? This is my that day.
/wabba, wabba!

I’m starting to think clay matthews is a master troll. endorsing muscle milk while denying steroid use. promoting fat heads while denying steroid use.

The Lord Formerly Known as Revisisle
I feel this picture is a good composite of today’s QBs.

Head Bee Guy
Budget Mike Pereira, what do you think?

The sound you just heard was half of texas buying texans jerseys

Tony Romo to Cutler: Anything you can derp, I can derp better

Last time Catler ran in a touchdown, he tried to cover the ball with dirt.

The Flyin Hawaiian David Kaliiki Alii
If Cutler is a cat, then Romo is a pet rock.

Gruden: “Stats don’t matter.”
Gruden 2 hours later: “I’m glad Witten has good stats tonight.”

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