The Best Moments From Broncos-Falcons

09.18.12 5 years ago 31 Comments

Because any primetime game officiated by scab refs is gonna run well past midnight, it was awfully considerate that Peyton Manning served up his best schadenfreude of the night nice and early for the folks on the East Coast who had to be in bed at a reasonable hour. Oh, and doubly thanks that Peyton, by which I mean Willis McGahee, didn’t complete the comeback. An apocalyptic amount of Manning slurping would have ensued. Peyton Manning would be said to be leading the universe in amnesia. Steps would have taken to ensure that life could no longer exist on the planet since it enables said slurping.

But the Falcons finally closed it out after dicking around with the lead for far too long. Mike Nolan was a dapper if overmatched head coach, though his role as mercenary defensive coordinator for hire suits him much better. Atlanta got another scare when Asante Samuel left the game with a neck injury, but if Peyton could be out there with his bionic neck, then there was no way anyone else could let an injury fell them.

Oh hey there, early morning Michael Turner DUI arrest.

Gruden nominal determinism? Perhaps, but road rage is a far different vehicular hazard than drunk driving. But drunk driving is a more accurate description of Turner’s final line of 17 carries for 42 yards. Though his arrest differs from Turner’s running style in that he was also booked for speeding, and we all know Michael Turner ain’t outrunning anybody.

The scab refs capped their weekend of being atrocious with another standout shitshow. At this point, it helps nothing to tick off a litany of their mistakes because they fuck eeeevvvvverrrrryyyyytttthhhhiiiinnnnnggggg up. The scab refs called the Falcons the “Red”. Yes, if we’re using our most basic descriptors, Atlanta was dressed in red and the Broncos were in white, but people sometimes like to think we’ve achieved a more elegant use of the language. You know what? Fuck it. Color names for all.

Some people despise Mike Tirico in the booth. For the most part, I’m indifferent. He’s generally unobtrusive and doesn’t tend to say things that make me rewind the broadcast just to make sure my brain isn’t leaking out of my ears. That said, fuck him in the pants for this defense of the scab refs. This while the scabs were struggling dearly to maintain control following yet another tussle between both teams. Tirico endeavors to make us empathize with the scab refs, saying the crews are like if a team tried to fill a roster entirely with 6th round draft picks. I don’t doubt that the situation the scab refs signed on for is a difficult one, but they’re not unappreciated prospects, they’re fucking scabs. 6th round picks aren’t scabs who get jobs because other players are on strike. They tend to get them when they can prove they can outperform their me-first glory boy 1st round teammates. In short, go screw, Tirico, I don’t need your hammy pleas of sympathy for the scabs.

So Jon Gruden, if HBO Sports is to be believed, basically spends all his every waking hour watching game tape. Yet Chucky still doesn’t grasp half the rules as it relates to quarterback play. There was a play last year during a Vikings-Packers game where Tirico had to correct Gruden about intentional grounding outside the pocket. Last night, it was about how horsecollar tackles are allowed on quarterbacks so long as they are in the pocket. I’m sure next week, there will be a delightful sequence on the Tuck Rule.

Linebacker dance-off. In this corner: Sean Weatherspoon and his many spoons. This guy, I’m gonna call him Spoonman! ‘Cause he feels the rhythm with his hands.

In other corner: Von Miller sultry gyrations. He pulled out the same move at the last TV on the Radio show.

Matt Ryan has to take off his pants to adjust his knee pad, so the Falcons Red huddle around to give him some cover. But The Worldwide Big Brother networks sees all and leers at all. So the viewers get an overhead shot of Matt Ryan underdressing himself inside of a circle of guys. Ryan was hoping that would never happen again after that one unspeakable incident at Boston College.

Pagers: still relevant in the NFL

Mike McCarthyism
Jacob Tamme better have a brother and the Broncos better sign him. That way we can have Tamme 1 and Tamme 2

Mike McCarthyism
Tirico and Gruden should have an empty chair between them with a shark on it, in memory of Jaws

John Elways Teeth
Completed pass to a Bronco how precocious.

Kreayshawn Lynch
Peyton’s new name is Guitar Center because of how many free picks he gives away.

I have such Schadenfetus right now.

Jerry Austin is a Goodell spy trying to convince us that the REAL refs can’t explain penalties either

Man Getting Hit by Football
“Lets see, we’re getting 11 yards per carry from McGahee, and there’s clearly something wrong with Peyton…air it out?”

Tirico: “These refs are like retarded 9 nine year olds racing against Usain Bolt.”

These refs were not drafted high enough. – Mike Tirico

Mike Martz Colors Dont Run
Matt Ryan casts level 1 Summon Flag spell.
It succeeds because opponent is level 0 Ref!

Mike McCarthyism
I think the scab refs should donate their brains to science

Again, don’t want to jinx it, but if manning comes back from this, it will be the worst week ever.

The Flyin Hawaiian David Kaliiki Alii
Every tackle against John Elway was a horsecollar

City of Industry Football Corporation
The Falcons have formed a human wall around Matt Ryan for his privacy, but they forgot about the eye in the sky.

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