The Best Moments From Cardinals-Rams Thursday Night

10.05.12 5 years ago 27 Comments

Having your quarterback sacked 16 times in the span of two weeks is a good way to create a vacancy at the position and/or possibly death. When your starter is Kevin Kolb, maybe that’s not the worst thing. But it’s not gonna lead to a lot of wins in the short term. That Arizona’s line is incapable of blocking throws a wrench in their “we can win if we can just put up 20 points” strategy.

Should the Seahawks defeat the Panthers on Sunday, every team in the NFC West, a division that yielded a 7-9 champion just two seasons ago, will have a winning record. It’s a frightening prospect, though not as frightening as watching these teams try to scrounge together some offense against one another. These teams are good and yet Alex Smith might still be the best quarterback in the division. That shouldn’t be.

Anyway, if you couldn’t be bothered to turn away from Thursday night TV (or social life things, I guess) to watch the epic Buzzsaw/team that doesn’t play baseball in St. Louis, here’s some awesome stuff you missed. Or if you did watch it, here it is again.

Back in the heady moments early in the game when there was a brief glimmer of offense, Danny Amendola made a spectacular one-handed catch.

The grittiness couldn’t last forever. Not only did Amendola have a pretty bad drop in the red zone later on, but he broke his collarbone. After missing 15 games last year, can’t blame the guy for being frustrated. Anyway, similar reactions from people who were reaping the big Amendola riches in fantasy so far this season.

I could have sworn in was a penalty for touching an official’s flag. Oh well. Even if it is, I’m sure the ref figured he was going to be able to get Cortland Finnegan on an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty a few plays later anyway.

Chris Long has a shitty sack dance, but his dad will still make fun of your pick-up truck.

Jo-Lonn Dunbar with the swim celebration. It’s funny because linebackers can’t swim. That’s the stereotype, right?

NFL Network engaged in some good trolling by assigning Kurt Warner to do the pregame interview with Kevin Kolb. Not only because Warner got to frighten with his pink cardigan, but to have his career with the Cardinals be the elephant in the room. Credit to Eisen for bringing up what everyone, including Warner, wishes he had the courage to say: “Why not ask how it feels for everyone to still wish Kurt was the QB?”

Discussing all the interceptions that Jenoris Jenkins might have had in the first half, Rich Eisen meant to say that on one play Jenkins was face raked by Larry Fitzgerald. Only it came out as “face raped.” Oh no, Rich, we don’t talk about that during breast cancer month. Save the face rape references for NFL Face Rape Month.

Now make a big deal about how sorry you are.

Mike Mayock ain’t weak-kneed like you, Eisen. He’ll exclaim about how hard Rams defenders are gonna cum on Kevin Kolb’s face. Then he’ll repeat it just in case you didn’t hear it the first time. Then he’s pronounce “sexy” as ssssssshhhhhhheeeeeeeeshhhhhhhhheeeyyyyy.

Greg Zuerlein is gonna fetch two first-rounders from Oakland within the next year. The Raiders won’t even jettison Janikowski, either. They’ll be a two-kicker threat. You’ll never know just who is kicking 50-yarders.

Anyway, this clip begins with Amendola dropping a pass in the red zone, followed by Mayock saying that he makes that catch 99 times out of 100. Astute observers of broadcaster racism will recall that exact phrasing used by Collinsworth in the Super Bowl after Welker suffered his big drop late in the game.

Larry Fitzgerald had “Carol” written on his eyeblack during the game as a tribute to his mother, who died from breast cancer in 2003. BUH THASSSSS EEEEEEE-LEGAL!!! The Rog showed mercy on Ray Lewis for a uniform tribute to Art Modell in Week 1, however Goodell is reeling from the recent defeat at the negotiating table against the scab refs. A good unnecessary show of force by fining Fitty for honoring his dead mother is just the ticket for regaining the mixture of hatred and fear the commissioner may have lost in recent weeks.

In other things making you aware of breast cancer, the Rams mascot is apparently sporting pink horns throughout the month. Surely nothing will make you more aware than something that is fracturing your ribs.

More than 10 minutes went by in the third quarter without a pass being completed. It made for riveting viewing. Hell, even Brad Nessler had to snark on it and he’s the most sincere man in America.

Because I’m an asshole Steelers fan who pined for him during the years when Bruce Arians was bubble screening the hell out of the Pittsburgh offense, I tend to hold Ken Whisenhunt’s playcalling in higher esteem than I should. But hoo boy, what was a derpy 4th down call late in the game. Fitty or not, a play that hinges on a receiver breaking three tackles in order to work might as well

See, Bradford can complete passes.

Mike Martz Colors Dont Run

Are we addressing Kurt Warner’s fauxhawk and overall metrosexual makeover situation? Did I miss that already, or is everyone too horrified to say something


I so wanted Marshall to yell “The pregame is too damn long”


Time for me to second guess my arbitrary childhood decision to be a Rams fan!

Lobster Mobster

I think “Dave” and “Zastudil” is one of my favorite juxtapositions of first and surname. One’s regular, and one’s a space-name.

Lobster Mobster


That dude is why Fleer doesn’t include locks of hair in trading cards anymore.

El Gato Luchador


Porn Stache

Zastudil – side effects include dizziness, lack of offense, and bloody mouth. See your doctor if you don’t see the endzone after three quarters.

Lobster Mobster


but it’s in a dome


John Elways Teeth

2 knockouts, 1 game.


To everyone asking why Arizona is 4-0:

Dropped touchdown pass by Seahawks with under :30 in week 1.

Missed FG by Pats to win game in week 2.

Typical Eagles in week 3.

And they played the Dolphins in week 4.
There’s your answer. Stop asking.

Sword of CUT

Fullback gets the ball: Quick! Say “rumbles”!

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