The Best Moments From Cowboys Over Giants Season Kickoff Game

09.06.12 5 years ago 38 Comments

The opening night defending champ bed-sh*tting was bound to happen sooner or later, and this wasn’t a bad year for it to go down, after having to read all summer about how the Giants were sooper smart because they were flying under the radar of the press-hungry Jets and that the Giants training camp was leading the league in anonymity or somesuch bullsh*t. By the second quarter, when Cris Collinsworth was going on about how the Gints are a model franchise, I was ready to set Dallas hatred aside and embrace an upset.

Haha, Brandon Marshall, you mentally unbalanced liar. No one started Kevin Ogletree tonight. And, if you did, you’re an inexcusably poor drafter or assembled your league entirely from the waiver wire. You didn’t see this coming, so shut up in advance.

So, Kevin Ogletree is, it would seem, the new Victor Cruz. Meanwhile, new Victor Cruz is apparently Roy Williams. I’m fine with never seeing the salsa dance again, if it’s all the same to you.

After a first half that was mostly gross football, the second half was exciting at times and downright watchable throughout. The replacement refs suck. Beyond the baseline of suckiness set by the regular refs. If I were a head coach going into Sunday and Monday games, I might tell my line not to worry about holding calls unless they yank a rusher down by his facemask.

After seven months of deprivation, I’ll take passably good football anytime. Now allow me to pass along notable GIFs, screenshots and video from the night.

From this we can conclude that Jerry Jones had a dude on payroll whose function is solely cleaning the lenses on the Double J’s glasses. “You there, you keep a clean hanky? I got just the job for you. I’ll pay you in dress shirts and call girls.”

NBC’s sound editing must be run by replacements also. No other reason to explain the Disney Tinkerbell effects used to mark DeMarcus Ware’s 100th sack.

Before getting down to competence in the second half, Tony Romo had a derpy good time in the first half, drilling an interception to Michael Boley and hitting the dirt on this scramble. Another victim of tripping on the 40, I guess.

Of course, NBC was humblebragging all through the game about how they have first dibs on Pey-Pey’s first game with the Broncos. They can’t be all that proud about the interview that Tony Dungy did with his former Battleship, because they only teased it twice during the broadcast. During the interview, Peyton has a suit that might be tasteful for Craig Sager. But then a commenter pointed out that it’s the same old man at casino duds that John Elway has been sporting in recent weeks. Ooh, twinsies,

You should be able to get away with running over a replacement official. The player just springs up and yells, “What’s this replacement ref doing here? A real ref would know better than to stand there. Can you believe these amateurs?”

Dez prefers his violence to be intentional, Murray.

Couldn’t not include this, the second greatest Wolfman Rob Ryan GIF to date. I suspect there will be more all is said and done and driven to the municipal dump by an Econoline. The remaining undisputed champ:

The current Meast is Kevin Ogletree. Fuck this game.

I’m shocked Tony Dungy isn’t eating Chick Fil-A.

Paul Rudd: “You know how I know you’re ga….”
(Paul Rudd is stabbed, Ray Lewis may or may not be implicated)

I’m betting that Chris Berman is outside the stadium right now gearing up to do the Fastest Three Minutes in front of a camera made out of a milk carton.

Romo can even overthrow a dump off.

This is the year Romo takes it to the next level and chokes in the NFC title game!

this thing thanks me when i comment. why oh why can’t life be like the internet!

–Dallas fan collective

Why thank you Eddie Murray Sparkles
Is that Alabama tree poisoner guy familiar with this Ogletree thing?

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