Mrs. Chan Gailey: Hunny? You comin’ to bed now? Dang near eleven o’clock!
Chan Gailey: Go on up without me, hunny. I’m britches deep in preparin’ for this here draft. You know how crazy these things can get. I got a lot to prove to these folks in Bills country.
Mrs. Gailey: Don’t be too late, now.
Chan: I won’t.
Mrs. Gailey: Good night, hunny.
Chan: Night, sugar.
(Mrs. Gailey goes upstairs)
Chan: Mwahahahaha. Sleep tight, hunny. Little do you know that, by night, your dear Chan becomes another person entirely! Let the transformation begin!
(runs down to basement, turns on computer)
(message board flies open)
5CHAN: YOU SLUTZ BETTER RUN. FUCKING 5CHAN IS HERE TO BRING THE FUCKING LULZ. WATCH THIS MONKEY DIDDLE HIRSELF.
FreezerGurly: All right, 5Chan! Bring it on! Tell me how I look!
5CHAN: You look fucking busted. Your parents should have committed suicide because you were so fug.
FreezerGurly: OMG! You are so MEAN!
5CHAN: U can’t take it, u can fuck off to the kiddie boards. FUCKING GAY PONY, GUYS
DirkNotitsski: +1 horse dong in that pony’s mouth.
5CHAN: Check this out. I found the email address for that 11-year-old kid whose mom died, the one the Prez brought up in that health care bullshit.
DirkNotitsski: Did you carpet bomb the little shit?
5CHAN: Fuck yeah! Check out this exchange I had with him:
5CHAN: Dear Marcelas, I just want you to know I heard about the story of your mother’s death the other day when the President spoke about health care. I just want you to know how deeply it affected me. Like you, I lost my mother too soon. She developed lupus at age 36 and died shortly thereafter. We could not afford to pay for her pain medicine, and so she spent her final days in a great deal of agony. I’m glad to see you take attacks from the likes of Glenn Beck in real stride. The adults in this fight could certainly learn a lot from your maturity.
Marcelas: Horst, thank you so much for your kind words. It means a lot to me in the wake of Mom’s passing to know that there are kind and generous people like you out there. Thank you so much. God bless.
5CHAN: Marcelas, thank you so much for your kind thank you note. I was just sitting here, thinking about my mom, who is now dead from lupus, and I was thinking… THAT UR A LITTLE FUCKING BITCH! MWAHAHAHAHA! Your mom deserved to fucking EAT IT. Who names their son Marcelas? That’s retarded enough for a black chick. But you’re a boy. OR ARE YOU? OR WERE YOU BORN WITH ONE OF THOSE STRAWBERRY AND CHOCOLATE VAGHOLES?! BAHAHAHAHA!!!! DEAD MOM! SHE’S NEVER COMING BACK!
FistyCanyon: Oh, shit! Fucking LULZ
ZeroCumGame: + a million
FreezerGurly: You people are HORRIBLE!
5CHAN: Jesus, are you still here, bitch?