In a recent interview with ESPN Radio 1100, Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton dropped a bomb on his fans â€“ his new nickname is Ace Boogie. Of course this has raised the ire of many bros and dudes in the sports world, because Rule Numero Uno in the Encyclopedia Dudetastica is â€œThou shalt not give thineself thine own nickname.â€ You must, the rule contends, wait until a bro dubs you with such a nickname, such as Jizzy Pete or Cockhammer, or in some really lame cases, just add a â€“y to the end of his last name.
But maybe Newton is a progressive. Perhaps heâ€™s a pioneer, paving the way for athletes to cut out the middle men and simply give themselves their own swagadocious names. After all, LeBron James dubbed himself â€œKingâ€ so why canâ€™t Cam be Ace Boogie? One reason, as Shutdown Corner points out, is that a lot of people already go by Ace Boogie. I donâ€™t really care about that, though. Iâ€™m a science guy.
Thatâ€™s why, after the jump, Iâ€™ve included one of my patented, fool proof, 101% scientific flowcharts to help todayâ€™s NFL fans determine the actual nickname their teamâ€™s quarterbacks should have. (Larger version here for the ref-eyed.)