The Cam Newton “Ace Boogie” Flowchart For Naming Your Favorite NFL Quarterback

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06.26.12 30 Comments

"Mr. Boogie! Mr. Boogie, over here!"

In a recent interview with ESPN Radio 1100, Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton dropped a bomb on his fans – his new nickname is Ace Boogie. Of course this has raised the ire of many bros and dudes in the sports world, because Rule Numero Uno in the Encyclopedia Dudetastica is “Thou shalt not give thineself thine own nickname.” You must, the rule contends, wait until a bro dubs you with such a nickname, such as Jizzy Pete or Cockhammer, or in some really lame cases, just add a –y to the end of his last name.

But maybe Newton is a progressive. Perhaps he’s a pioneer, paving the way for athletes to cut out the middle men and simply give themselves their own swagadocious names. After all, LeBron James dubbed himself “King” so why can’t Cam be Ace Boogie? One reason, as Shutdown Corner points out, is that a lot of people already go by Ace Boogie. I don’t really care about that, though. I’m a science guy.

That’s why, after the jump, I’ve included one of my patented, fool proof, 101% scientific flowcharts to help today’s NFL fans determine the actual nickname their team’s quarterbacks should have. (Larger version here for the ref-eyed.)

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Ashley Burns has written about movies, TV, and sports for UPROXX since the site's first day.

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