The Case Of Chip Kelly And The Missing Tacos: Tokyo Drift

05.15.13 38 Comments

[Three Philadelphia Eagles — DeSean Jackson, LeSean McCoy, and rookie quarterback Matt Barkley — are on their way back to the practice field after eating lunch in the team’s cafeteria. Their new coach, Chip Kelly, has made waves by getting rid of popular menu items like tacos and cheeseburgers and replacing them with healthier alternatives like low-fat fruit smoothies and chicken wraps. The players are not happy.]

DeSean Jackson: Maaaaan, this is some bullsh-t.

LeSean McCoy: Yeah. Fruit smoothies and sh-t. What is this? Yoga? I’m a grown-ass man! I need grown-ass man food!

Matt Barkley: I dunno, guys. My Greek wrap was pretty tasty. I feel light AND satisfied. Ready for another session of tossing around the old pigskin!

LeSean McCoy: Shut up, Mark.

DeSean Jackson: Yeah, zip it, rook. You wouldn’t know anything about what it takes to make it here in the big leagues. Big-time athletes need big-time grub, like tacos. They’ve got electrolytes. Ask any nutritionist. He’ll tell you.

Matt Barkley: I … I don’t think that’s right. At all. And weren’t you guys just telling me that Jason Babin crapped his pants after lunch three times last year? Don’t you think that could have had something to do with all the junk food?

LeSean McCoy: I said shut up, Mark!

DeSean Jackson: Yeah, zip it. You and your Geek wraps.

Matt Barkley: Greek wrap.

DeSean Jackson: Whatever.

[The players turn the corner and start walking down the hallway where Chip Kelly’s office is located. Through the cracked door, they hear the coach in the middle of a private conversation.]

Chip Kelly: … of course no one suspects anything. I’ve got the media eating out of my hand over here. You know how it goes. I feed them some line about healthier food leading to a stronger team in the fourth quarter and they lap it up.

LeSean McCoy: [whispering] Who’s he talking to?

DeSean Jackson: [leaning in closer] Shhhhh!

Chip Kelly: The players? Don’t worry about them. I’ve got ’em running the new offense so fast at practice that they don’t have time to think about tacos. Everything’s still going according to plan. The shipment heads out tonight, and should arrive at your headquarters by lunchtime tomorrow. … Yes, exactly. Listen, I gotta go. We’ll talk tomorrow. And remember, the truck doesn’t leave the parking lot until the money has been deposited in my account. … Yeah, okay. You too. Goodbye.

[Chip Kelly hangs up the phone and grabs his playbook. As he marches out of his office, the players hide back around the corner so he doesn’t know they were listening in on his conversation.]

DeSean Jackson: Holy Hell. What was that all about? We should check it out. I’m gonna go into his office and see if I can figure it out. Rook, keep an eye out.

Matt Barkley: I don’t think we should be doing this, guys. We could get in trouble.

DeSean Jackson and LeSean McCoy: [in unison] SHUT UP, MARK.

[DeSean and LeSean enter the office and notice a file labeled “OPERATION TACO RICHES” laying open on the desk. They begin flipping through it and are shocked at what they find.]

DeSean Jackson: Holy sh-t. Coach Kelly has been ordering tacos for the cafeteria all along, and according to this invoice, it looks like he’s been stashing them at an off-site facility!

LeSean McCoy: Yeah, that must be what he was talking about on the phone! He’s been using team funds to acquire millions of tacos, and tonight he’s going to ship them all off to some mysterious buyer in exchange for a tidy profit.

DeSean Jackson: We have to stop him. THOSE ARE OUR TACOS.

Matt Barkley: Uh… I think I might know someone who can help us.

LeSean McCoy: Dammit, Mark. We told you to keep quiet.

Matt Barkley: [pulls out cell phone] No, really. I met a guy in California who specializes in this kind of thing. Here, I’ll call him.

Dominic Toretto: Hullo.

Matt Barkley: Hey, Dom. It’s Matt. Remember that favor you said you owed me?

Dominic Toretto: [incomprehensible mumbling]

Matt Barkley: Great. Here’s the situation…

[CUT TO: A huge abandoned warehouse in an undisclosed location, where Dominic Toretto has reassembled his crack team for another score.]

Dominic Toretto: [incomprehensible mumbling]

Tyrese: Hang on. You called us all here to steal … some tacos. I left a cabana full of honeys in Belize for this?

Ludacris: AW HELL NAW. For some tacos! Hell naw!

Brian O’Conner: They’re right, Dom. This doesn’t seem worth it. It’s just too risky.

Dominic Toretto: [incomprehensible mumbling]

Mia Toretto: IT’S SUICIDE.

Han: [eats potato chips]

That Other Girl Who Rides A Motorcycle: [says nothing, looks very sexy]

Tyrese: Dom, I love ya, bro, but you’re on your own with this one. I ain’t stickin’ my neck out so some football players can eat some damn tacos.

Dominic Toretto: [45 straight seconds of incomprehensible mumbling that is occasionally interrupted by the words “family” and “team”]

Mia Toretto: BUT IT’S SUICIDE.

Brian O’Conner: No, Dom’s right, guys. We’re a family. And family sticks together no matter what. If he says we need to take down a truck transporting illicit tacos, then that’s what we gotta do. I’m in.

Tyrese: Fine. I’m in, too. You’re lucky I like you guys.

Ludacris: AW HELL YEAH.

Brian O’Conner: Now we just need a plan.

Dominic Toretto: [mumbles, smiles]

[The crew rides out that night in a number of neon compact cars that have been outfitted with expensive high-tech gadgetry and acquired on such short notice that the only possible explanation is sorcery. They catch up with the taco truck on the highway sometime after midnight. Million and millions of dollars worth of personal property is destroyed as cars fly through the air and helicopters shoot rockets at sh-t as though everyone involved has completely forgotten that this series used to be about street racing. At one point Ludacris shows up on a hovercraft that has been outfitted with flamethrowers. It’s best if you don’t ask questions.

The following day DeSean Jackson, LeSean McCoy, and Matt Barkley walk into Chip Kelly’s office eating tacos.]

Chip Kelly: Hey guys, what can I do for y… hold on. Where did you get those tacos? You know those aren’t allowed here.

DeSean Jackson: Oh really? That’s funny. Because we’ve got a whole truck of them out back.

Chip Kelly: What?! But how?

DeSean Jackson: And you might wanna check the balance in your offshore account.

Chip Kelly: [hurriedly opens laptop and sees the balance in his account drop from $10 million to zero] No. It can’t be. WHERE’S MY MONEY?

LeSean McCoy: Let’s just say everyone on the team got a nice little roster bonus. That was Mark’s idea.

Matt Barkley: It’s Matt.

LeSean McCoy: Whatever.


[At the same time, in Kansas City, a truck pulls up to the Chiefs practice facility. Andy Reid rushes out from his office. He instructs his underlings to open up the back of the truck so he can inspect the multi-million dollar black market taco purchase he has made. When he looks inside, he is shocked to see crates and crates of ingredients for low-fat fruit smoothies.]

Andy Reid: What the hell is this? Where are my tacos?! WHERE ARE MY GODDAMN TACOS?

[A helicopter flies into frame and drops a rope ladder down to the truck. The driver jumps out and remove his hat. It’s Ludacris. He grabs the ladder and waves at Andy Reid. Another successful heist has been completed. As he flies away, the music swells and the credits roll.]

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