The Continuing Adventures of Tony and Jess: The Chili Cook-Off

01.27.09 9 years ago 45 Comments

Ext. TPC Four Seasons Las Colinas

Tony: Gimme my ass, you’re putting that shit, JT!

[cellphone rings]

Tony: Fuck.

Justin: What’s up, man? We playing golf or taking phone calls?

Tony: It’s Jess

[cellphone rings]

Justin: …and then I jizzed in my pants.

Tony: Not cool, JT, not cool.

Justin: Whatever, you know you laughed.

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Jess: [chews]

Tony: Hello?

Jess: [burps]

Tony: Jess?!

Jess: [chews while burping]


Jess: [attempts to speak through mouth full of hush puppies] Pomy?

Tony: Jess?

Jess: [swallows] Hey, Tony!

Tony: Hey baby, are you uh…eating again?

Jess: Oh yeah. I’m performing at the Chili Cook-off in Florida! There’s so much food!

Tony: Well just go easy, baby, you know, everything in moderation and all that.

Jess: [ladles chili down throat] Moder-what-on?

Tony: Just remember what your agent said, you need to keep your physique for the sake of your acting career.

Jess: Well duh, that’s what I’m doing!

Tony: How’s that?

Jess: Well my agent told me about these two new biopic movies, and I’m s’posed to pick one to audition for.

Tony: Oh really? Who are the subjects?

Jess: Dolly Parton and Anna Nicole Smith.

Tony: Oh God.

Jess: [drinks room-temperature sour cream]

Tony: Which one did you pick, Jess?

Jess: [gargling] My girl Anna!

Tony: Oh dear God. Jess, are you sure about that?

Jess: Of course!

Tony: But I think you’d make a great Dolly Parton. She’s so nice and skinny like you used to be. And we just joined this new gym so you could get back in shape without poor people talking to you.

Jess: [swallows Merciless Pepper of Quetzlzacatenango] Uh-oh. I don’t feel so good.

Tony: Jess?

Jess: Bye bye Tony, Johnny Cash’s doggy is taking me to find my soulmate.

[hangs up]

Tony: But I’m your soulmate!

Justin: Dude, you’re gay.

Tony: Tee it up, douchebag.

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