The Day The Balls Drop

10.27.08 9 years ago 26 Comments

Before we get to making more fun of Mike Singletary, I must note that today is the official release date for the massive affront to literature pictured above. Yes folks, it’s BALLSDAY. I suggest you skip work, take the kid out of school, head down to the bookstore, and read all 280 pages of this book while destroying a Borders shitter. (“This book has been flagged!”)

I also suggest you spend the entire day hanging brain. This isn’t just a day for you, it’s a day for you AND your balls. So treat your balls. Give them a little extra jostle. Groom them. Let ‘em hang real low and give them the ol’ “taffy pull,” if you know what I mean. Tell your ladyfriend, “Hey lady, it’s BALLSDAY. Now let’s get teabaggin’!”

You know you and your balls have earned it. Because this Nobel-winning tome simply couldn’t have existed without your support. And, as a show of gratitude to KSK readers, I now present to you a special deleted section from the book that I was forced to take out at the behest of Little, Brown’s lawyers. Goddamn lawyers. Anyway, enjoy. Happy Ballsday, everyone.

The best way to pay child support is in all pennies, by Larry Bird.

We all make mistakes in life. I got married and had a kid while very young and always regretted having done so. But I’m someone who believes in learning from mistakes, and what I’ve learned is that the best way to pay child support is in all pennies.

Every month, when I had to pay the court-ordered $1,250 (hooray, no adjusting for inflation!) to my ex-wife, I had a little ritual. I would go to the bank and withdraw $1,249.99, all in pennies. I always left it one penny short, just to see if the ex actually counted. And believe me, the bitch always did. She was stubborn like that. Now, these pennies occupied a 6’ x 6’ palette that needed to be airlifted to the ex, at an additional cost to me, sometimes exceeding the cost of the child support itself!

But it was worth it to me. By paying your child support in all pennies, you’re not only making a statement to your ex-wife (“I hate you and wish you would go away.”), but that massive, 987-pound mass of pennies also serves a metaphor for the terrible weight she and her child are on your life.

When I left my ex, I did so with the intention of moving on completely. No need dwelling the past. I don’t want to be reminded of my OLD family when I’m hanging out with my newer, better one. And that’s what I think that freedom-hating judge failed to recognize. Look, it’s not the money that annoys me. Clearly, I can afford the payment. It’s the constant, monthly reminder that these people exist. You know what a burden that is? I can barely finish this ginger-glazed lobster prepared for me by my personal chef, it’s so dismaying. Even now that my first kid is over 18 and I don’t have to make the payments anymore, I’m so conditioned to make the payments that it pops up in my brain every month anyway. It’s like some insidious brainwashing program.

Isn’t that awful?

So be careful with the ladies. Make the wrong move and you’ll soon find yourself tethered to some woman you don’t even like. And not just for 18 years. But for LIFE. It’s no joke. Even you when pay in pennies.

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