The Day the Music Died: the KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag

09.22.11 6 years ago 63 Comments

(tasteful NFL.com ad via @StephStradley)

We heard from a LOT of Jamaal Charles owners this week, and I’m sorry to say that I’m among the mourners. In my Yahoo keeper league, I had a choice of keeping Jamaal Charles or LeSean McCoy (I’d gotten both of them in the late rounds two years ago, but our league’s draconian rules forced me to give up one of them this year). And so I kept Charles, who’s now done for the season just 27 yards into his second game, while LeSean McCoy has more fantasy points than any other running back after two games.

/slits wrists

All right, now let me give you some fantasy football advice before I bleed out.

Hello Xmas Ape.

Zuh?

Fantasy Football: I missed my fantasy draft, and because of that, I have a shitty team. I do, however, have Jamaal Charles.

Ah, it’s always so nice to publish a letter from before the previous week’s games.

My QB currently is Matthew Stafford, so when his shoulder disintegrates in Week 4, I’m sure I will need to scramble for a replacement. My question is, should I move Charles for a lesser RB and a better QB, or keep Charles and his guaranteed 20-30 points a game (it’s a PPR league)?

All I can say is that I hope you did.

Sex related, but probably not all that sexy… This summer, I made friends with a guy through a girl. He’s a pretty cool guy and he usually supplies plenty of drink and parties and women, so I have no issues with the dude.

Until one day at work, when a friend of mine at the office and I were looking at the registered sex offenders in the area and my friend pops up (A full description of his charge is here).

I call bullshit. “We were just hanging out at work, checking out the registered sex offender scene…” Yeah, that’s what people do on the Internet at work. 1. Facebook. 2. Gchat. 3. Look at registered sex offenders.

So at best (if there is a best in this situation), he got someone really really drunk or high and something happened, or at worst, he held somebody down as they raped someone or touched some 12 year old (or younger) . I haven’t asked him about the charges nor do I think I will and I think I’m the only person in my group that knows about this (not that I think that someone would go around introducing themselves as sex offenders). I’m creeped out by it, but I don’t want to out the guy, seeing as he has been in prison (and therefore probably can fuck me up) and all and seems to put the stuff behind him. I have friends that have been to jail and prison before, but that has been for selling drugs or assault or something like that.

“You know, more respectable crime.”

Nothing sex related. But at the same time, I think it’s kinda fucked up. I know he did his time and all and people deserve a second chance, but I’ve never been in this type of situation before (ie he possibly assisted on a rape). Should I still hang out with the guy?
Thanks,
SnatchinYoPeopleUp

If it’s bothering you so much, why don’t you be a man and talk to him about it? I mean, you say he’s your friend, so treat him like a friend. If he’s just some dude you know who throws parties you like, then who gives a shit? Go enjoy the parties. Just don’t leave your drink unattended.

***********

Dear Champions of Chonch,
Football: Shit I’m down Jamaal Charles. I still have Peyton Hillis starting, with Knowshon (who I’m gonna cut) and Pierre Thomas on my bench. My starting receivers are DeSean, Megatron and Manningham, with Doucet and Malcolm Floyd on my bench. Should I start Thomas? Sacrifice one of my WRs in trade for a start-able RB? Or hope to get lucky on waivers?

Addendum [one day later – Ed.]: I landed Thomas Jones and Roy Helu off waivers. Do I start TJ (vs. SD), Helu (vs. Dallas) or Thomas (vs. Houston)?

Yuck. Well, Thomas Jones gained a total of 40 yards in two games against San Diego last year, and while he might get the carries, I don’t see him getting the yardage or being a real TD threat (Kansas City has 10 points in two games this year). I’d say it’s a toss-up between Pierre Thomas and Roy Helu — Helu will probably get more touches in Shanahan’s run-heavy offense, but you never know which Saints will win the New Orleans Touchdown Lottery. If it were me, I’d probably go with Helu.

Sex: My girlfriend and I are lucky to have an active sex life. We’ve been talking about trying out sex in public places. After a five day sexless trip to introduce her to my parents, we joined the mile high club on the cross-country flight home. We’ve got a two week trip to her parents and my parents planned for late December-early January, which I cannot survive without getting down. Do you have any suggestions/tips for safe places to do it in public? No back alleys where we can contract Hepatitis for us!
Sincerely,
Not looking to get a citation for indecent exposure

Things change as we get older. I used to be DTF anywhere. It was all fair game: road head, beaches, behind the curtains of a hotel ballroom, Times Square at rush hour, whatever. Now any time sex in public seems like a possibility, I’m like, “Man, I really don’t want to get caught. Let’s wait ’til we get home.”

But the presence of parents changes things. When your options are limited to “sex in public” or “sex near parents,” you need to make use of any opportunity that offers a modicum of privacy. You can go for a drive and park somewhere secluded. You can check into a hotel for an afternoon. You can do it quietly on the floor after they’ve gone to sleep (beds squeak and are therefore untrustworthy).

Frankly, I don’t see a lot of difference between the excitement you get from fear of getting caught in public and the excitement from fear of getting caught by your parents — but your parents won’t arrest you.

**********

Hello there-
“Sex” first- I have recently gotten engaged to the woman of my dreams/girlfriend of 2+ years. She loves me, fantasy football, sports, drinking, is very cool, doesn’t nag, has a great job making quite a bit more $ than me, etc.

Unfortunately, there is one problem. I’d describe my sex drive as insatiable, even as I turn 30 next month. Hers is slightly/significantly less so.

Perhaps I’m nit-picking, but I feel like “slightly” and “significantly” have different meanings. You wouldn’t say, “She has a slightly/significantly smelly vagina,” would you?

I’d prefer to get have sex and/or pleasure her every day at least. She seems content with going a week or more between such encounters.

Significant, not slight.

This bothers me to no end. Especially when we do have sex it’s hot as hell and involves multiple orgasms on both ends!

I have tried everything I can think of: calmly explaining the problem to her, petting/caressing in hopes of turning her on, withholding sex the few times she actually does initiate some foreplay (ok, I usually cave in those instances after some prodding), cooking, cleaning, doing laundry around the house, taking her out for nice meals or fun events, all on a regular basis. We watch Ravens (her favorite team) games together, and I’ve kinda adopted them as my favorite team as well. I workout, I’m in good shape. All of this usually leads to her rejecting my advances.

“She’s the woman of my dreams! She just doesn’t want to have sex with me.”

I know she loves me…she calls me every day when we are at work just to say hey. We cuddle every night on the couch and fall asleep in each other’s arms watching movies.

Barf.

However, I just need to get laid more. Calmly explaining my issues with this to her usually leads to two or three days of her willing to sex me (probably just to shut me up) before we revert back to a week-10 days schedule. It’s getting to the point that I go out of my way to get her as intoxicated as possible in hopes of getting laid. This is not good. Any suggestions, or should I just wait until her mid-30s when women supposedly hit their sexual peak?

Well, you didn’t tell me how old she is now, so I can’t exactly tell you to wait until her 30s, can I? Besides, you’ll have kids in your 30s. Sex isn’t going to get MORE frequent when you have a family.

A mutually satisfying sex life is an integral part of a relationship. You seem to have open communication with your fiancee — and you seem willing to do anything to set the mood for her — but you haven’t made it clear that you’ve asked her what she needs to get turned on. I’d exhaust the communication and begging angles, and if that doesn’t work, you’re going to come to a decision point: you decide that you absolutely love her and you spend the rest of your life jacking off a lot; or you realize that you need someone who puts out more than once a week.

Long story short, you probably got engaged to the wrong person.

Fantasy Football- I have two starting spots available for two of the following (12 team, .5ppr league, all other settings typical): Benson (vs. SF), Sims-Walker (vs. Balt), Javid Best (@ Min), Tolbert (vs. KC), Keller (@Oak). Leaning toward Benson and Tolbert. In case you feel I should start more than two of those, my other starters are Brees, Nicks, Austin, Forte, Gronkowski, Santonio, so I’m at a loss of who to bench.
Sincerely,
Hope I didn’t become a Ravens fan for nothing!

I’d keep an eye on Tolbert’s injury status, but he seems like a good choice to start — he averaged 5.1 YPC against the Chiefs last year. In your other spot, I’d give Best the nod over Benson — Benson’s not the most dynamic back, and the Niners — for all their faults — have a solid run D. Best, meanwhile, is a better back to take advantage of the .5 PPR in your league, and the Vikings’ D is giving up 10 catches/82 yards/1 TD to running backs this year.

**********

Dear Captain of Cavemen,
Fantasy Football: I’m 2-0 in my league, but I feel it’s a house of cards. My WR’s are Kenny Britt (could be arrested at any minute), Percy Harvin (could be migrained at any minute) and Brandon Marshall (could be stabbed at any minute). Britt’s obviously gone crazy so far this year, but who do you think would be the best to trade?

I’m digging Kenny Britt on one of my teams this year; given the way he played at times last year, I feel like he might be the real deal. Harvin’s migraines are a pain to deal with — especially when he’s a late scratch — but I personally think Marshall’s the most volatile of the three. I’d try to unload him.

Sex: Not really sex for me, but I think it falls under your jurisdiction. I recently moved to NYC, but before I did, one of my best friends came out of the closet. He’s coming up to visit in late October, and I’m totally prepared to go to some gay bars with him, since he currently lives at home with his conservative parents and will probably use this trip to catch up on all the gay sex he missed out on in college. And this will sound like I’m a douchebag, but how do I tell a gay guy at the bar, if he’s hitting on me, that I’m not gay? Do I just tell everybody who I talk to that I’m not gay immediately, and come off like a huge homophobe, or do I hope my friend bails me out and let’s it be known I’m not gay? And is this payback for years of mercilessly, drunkenly hitting on chicks?
Sincerely,
Hopefully Not In A Sticky Situation

Well, you could circumvent getting hit on by wearing baggy khaki pants, clunky white tennis shoes, and an ugly t-shirt, as gay men would rather masturbate while looking in the mirror than screw a man with no fashion sense.

But it’s no fun to look ugly, so just go and be a good wing man. Gay dudes LOVE hitting on straight guys, so politely decline their come-ons by redirecting them to your gay friend. “Sorry, I’m straight, but let me introduce you to my friend [Bruce or Lance or Julian or whatever]. This is his very first time in New York!”

There’s no need to be weird about it. Gay men are just normal people looking to get laid. They’re not gonna gang-rape you in the alley if you say no.

*********

Dear C.C.,
Football first: Who should I be starting as my flex? I’m trying to decide between AJ Green (vs. SF,) Robert Meachem (vs. Hou,) BenJarvus Green-Ellis (@Buf,) and Daniel Thomas (@Cle.) Meachem didn’t really benefit from Colston’s absence last week, Thomas consistently sucked for every second since the lockout was lifted until last week, Green has the craptastic Andy Dalton throwing to him, and I just know that if I start the law firm then Belichick will fuck me by having Brady throw the ball 4 times to 4 different tight ends every time they get inside the 10. Thoughts?

Green or Thomas. Your argument against Thomas — “consistently sucking until last week” — is pretty weak. You should expect rookies who were locked out all summer to develop slowly. The fact that he had 107 yards on 18 carries in his second game as a pro is a great sign that he’s learning the offense (It also reinforces the Fifth Commandment of Fantasy Football: “Thou shalt not worry about Reggie Bush hurting a teammate’s fantasy prospects”).

The only reason I might go with Green over Thomas is that the 49ers have a terrible secondary and are giving up 36 fantasy points per game to the wide receiver position through two games — the most in the NFL (and one of those games was against a team quarterbacked by Tarvaris Jackson).

And sexytime: I recently started seeing a girl who I really like; we’ve only been going out for a few weeks but we click really well, she’s got a good sense of humor, we share a lot of interests (she suggests starting AJ Green, by the way,) and early returns on the sex have been very encouraging. The only hitch: we met on an online dating site. This shouldn’t be a big problem–hell, it’s why I signed up for the freaking site in the first place, right?–but I feel like there’s still a definite stigma against online dating for a lot of people. As a result, I’ve been really vague about how we met, which is probably a bad idea and just likely to create more awkwardness down the line.

Am I justified in feeling weird about telling people that I met my girlfriend online, or am I just being a bitch?
Thanks,
Cy

It’s the 21st century. People work online, people meet online, people even fuck online (thanks, Skype!). Unsilent Majority met his wife through the Internet (although not a dating site), and we all agree that she’s pretty terrific and a great match for him. I know a couple who met on Match.com and got married this summer, and one of my best friends met his fiancée through Match or something similar.

Basically, there’s not a stigma unless YOU think there’s a stigma. All of your friends and family who are worth a shit just want you to be happy with someone who loves you; if your girl is as cool and nice as you make her sound, no one’s going to give a shit how you met.

Or, if your girl is equally ashamed of admitting that you met online, why not just say you met by chance at wherever you had your first date? You don’t get any bonus points for honesty, but it’s an easy solution that’s better than wringing your hands about something silly like this.

**********

So I was surfing hooker ads on my IPhone a few weeks ago… and my fat hooker seeking fingers accidentally hit the “Like of Facebook” icon at the bottom of her page without my knowledge.

So one of my buddies alerted me to it pretty quickly. Let’s call it a quasi 40% chance that not many people saw it. Sort of. Anyways, my questions:

1) What kind of hooker’s practice benefits from people liking her Facebook page? Not exactly discrete.

Social media drives traffic for blogs and other websites, why not hookers? More eyeballs = more clients. She seems like a web-savvy hooker.

2) I drafted Peyton in my fantasy league this year. Right now I’m carrying him plus Ryan Fitzpatrick, Jay Cutler and Kyle Orton but can really only carry two long term. Who gets cut?
Sincerely,
HookerThumbs

I’d keep Fitzy and… uhh… no one. Manning’s going to miss most or all of this year, and then next year he’ll be 36. Do you really see him as a long-term investment.

As for Cutler and Orton, the only time I’d start either is when my starting QB has a bye. Sure, they put up good numbers, but they’re not who I want running my fantasy team.

***********

Bakers of Poontang Pie,

Football First: 12-team PPR League with 6 pts per QB TD – my RB stable consists of Chris Johnson, Darren McFadden, Darren Sproles and Ben Tate, I’m feeling weak at QB with Schaub and Flacco.

Why? Schaub and Flacco are both pretty good. Better than Cutler and Orton, at least.

Should I consider upgrading at QB? I’ve been offered Marmalard for Cop Speed, I’m tempted to do it, but then again I’m trying to be patient and hope that Johnson get’s his mojo back soon – and I recognize that McFadden is an injury waiting to happen.

I wouldn’t trade Johnson unless you’re getting Brady or Rodgers for him. It’s still early in the season, and he’s still awesome. Don’t sell low.

Sex: I’m an almost 30-year old father of two sons who has recently become single again. I met an attractive young lady at a party a month ago, she’s about five years younger than me (My ex is slightly older than I). We hit it off, turns out she went to college with my best friend from high school (we’re still good buddies, but don’t see each other much). I was certainly attracted to her, but didn’t even get her full name at the party; later that night I happened to see my buddy online and asked him about her, and he described her as being the ideal girl, etc. His description of her really piqued my interest and I began pursuing her – eventually managing to bed the girl in question.

I’m having two unrelated problems: first, I feel strange about the fact that my pursuit of this girl went into overdrive once my buddy started lauding her as the best thing since sliced bread. I thought she was cool when I met her, but after talking to him, some sort of competitive spirit took over my nuts. She has never been in a relationship with him, so it’s not like I’m doing anything wrong to him, but I feel odd that my pursuit of her may be part of some subliminal competition I’m having with my buddy who struck out with her years ago.

That’s stupid.

YOU: I think I like this girl.

YOUR FRIEND: Oh man, she’s awesome. I used to like her, but nothing happened. But she’s fantastic.

All that is is a friend’s endorsement. As human beings, we like it when friends reinforce our beliefs. We’re influenced by their likes and dislikes. If a trusted friend tells you that an attractive woman you liked is the ideal woman, it’s the most sensible thing in the world to become more interested in her. Don’t second-guess common sense.

Second, and more importantly. As I mentioned, I’m a father of two sons who I adore, but who live with their mother. Unfortunately, she doesn’t know this. I haven’t tried to hide it, but it’s never really come up, and I’m paranoid about who I share pictures of my sons with on Facebook, so she hasn’t seen the pictures. I’m not looking for a relationship at this point in my life, but eventually she’s going to figure it out when she notices children’s furniture at my place (I’ve managed to keep the hooking up to occurring at her place so far). How should I bridge this? I’m worried she’ll think I was lying through deception and whatever we have will dry up at which point I’ll have to find a different girl that was once coveted by a close friend of mine.
Thanks,
Always Covering

For starters, stop being such a faggot.

You’ve got two kids, right? So just TELL THE GIRL YOU’RE DATING YOU HAVE TWO KIDS. It’s a fucking fact of life, and you should be thinking about them first every step of the way. If she doesn’t want to sleep with a father of two, that’s her right. But you should at least give her the information so she can make a choice. Who knows? Maybe she’ll find the fact that you’re a father sexy because you’re “mature” and “nurturing”… (even though you play high school head games and don’t talk about your kids to women you meet).

**********

Dear Captain Caveman,
Lady Reader here. I’m afraid I don’t have a FFB question as much as a sex question.Sorry so to make up for the lack of a FFB question; here is a sexy picture of Katherine Heigl.

Notice to all women: MEN HATE KATHERINE HEIGL.

On to Sex: My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and things are going pretty great and the sex isn’t too bad either. (Nudges with elbow and winks). I can see spending the rest of my life with this guy. He has everything thing a woman could want. Hes even enough of a jerk to make me not want to leave him for being “too good a guy”. However my one problem is this: Masturbation. In the absence of a person to actually have sex with I have no qualms with it. I have walked in on him on several occasions in the act. And I wasn’t coming home from somewhere…I was within fucking distance. I have addressed this problem multiple times and he just doesn’t seem to get it. I’m not exactly unattractive (7 on a 1-10 scale) but this does hurt my ego quite a bit. How can i put it in a way that he would not get offended by? I don’t expect or want him to stop doing it, but if its available I would love to fuck. Please help ASAP! I will be eagerly waiting for the next sexbag.
-Fuck instead of Faps

Yeah, you can swap partners with the girl who only has sex with her fiance every 7-10 days. Seems like that would make everybody happier.

I have to say, although I think masturbation is part of a healthy sex life even for people who are in relationships, it’s especially poor form to do it when your partner is available and willing to have sex. If that’s a habit, it’s an offense worthy of a break-up.

Or you could try knocking.

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