The Fail Lion has a New Decree for His Followers

04.29.15 2 years ago 28 Comments
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[A procession of kazoo players enter from a hallway, followed by a regal figure]

Fail Lion: ROYAL COMMENTERS! Come forth, and hear my kingly words!

Lo, thou hast seen the Lions of Fail are now the Lions of Moderate if Underwhelming Success! No more are we the laughingstock of the National Football League! Nay, we are now the Middling Franchise of the National Football League!

*trumpets sound, throngs rejoice, flower petals fall from the sky*

Fail Lion: In light of our stupendous occasional victories, I am issuing some new decrees that should be spread across the land! Heed them, or face the guillotine!

THRONGS: YOUR WILL BE DONE! LONG LIVE THE FAIL LION!

Fail Lion: First, you shall now refer to me as MIDDLING LION!

THRONGS: YOUR WILL BE DONE! LONG LIVE THE MIDDLING LION!

Middling Lion: Royal Commenters!

Commenters: Yes, your majesty?

Middling Lion: *unfurls scroll that rolls from his throne out the door of the palace* Henceforth, you shall use only MOSTLY proper grammar in your comments on Internet message boards!

Commenters: Yes your majesty!

Middling Lion: Now go! I grant my Royal Seal on your Hot Takes, which I command you to spread throughout the land!

Commenter 1: *writing* “if u ask me we need to trade megatron for some picks now dont get me wrong i love the guy but hes kind of a whiner and costs too much…”

Middling Lion: *stands up, his voice booms across the land* NO!!!!

*the throngs cower and fall silent, commenter 1 quivers with his arms above his head*

Middling Lion: *motions to the guards* Take him away.

Commenter 1: What? NO! NOOOO!!! *dragged away* NO! I SWEAR I CAN WRITE GOOD!

Middling Lion: ALSO INCORRECT! Torture him first for that, and then kill him. Commenter #2, what say you?

Commenter 2: Uh… *begins furiously writing* “Ndamukong Suh is an excellent player, but he is too much of a wildcard to deal with right now. The Lions need character leadership, so it’s time to ship him out of town.”

Middling Lion: *stands up, his voice shakes the ground, causing the THRONGS to sway and fall over* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

This is perfect grammar! No mistakes! UNACCEPTABLE! GUARDS!!!

Commenter 2: What? NO! NOOOO!!! *dragged away* NO! I SWEAR I CAN WRITE GOOD!

Middling Lion: NICE TRY! Commenter 3, DO NOT DISAPPOINT ME!

Commenter 3: I will not your majesty. *begins typing* “Matt Stafford has taken a lot of heat for his team’s lack of success, but I would suggest that it is in fact a lackluster running game that is to blame, and the Lions should boldly go forward with signing a top-flight running back and double-down on Stafford.”

Middling Lion: *stands up, his face purple with rage* WHAT DID I JUST SAY, ROYAL COMMENTER #3? GUARDS…!!!

Commenter 3: Your majesty, if I may.

Middling Lion: What is it?

Commenter 3: There was a split infinitive in there.

Middling Lion: Hmmm. Well done. NOW GO! TELL THE BEARS FANS THAT JAY CUTLER SUCKS!

Commenter 3: Yes your majesty!

[kazoos begin playing, King exits]

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