If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
Kurt Warner: We’ve got plenty to be thankful for this year. It’s true. We’ve been blessed. Those blessing include a successful season, bringing this franchise its first home playoff games more than 50 years. If nothing else happens, we can come away from it feeling good about ourselves. I know God has given me more than I can ever have hoped to receive.
Still, I worry for your everlasting soul, brother Anquan. Since that hit, when they put all that metal in you, it’s like you’re more machine than man now.
Anquan Boldin: All. is. well. Metal. is. fine. We. run. slant. and. go. pattern. now.
Kurt: See, it’s one thing to excel on the field, but the moral character of a team is just as important. We already got Fitzy whaling on his wife. I can’t let you go wayward on me. Who knows where you may end up.
Anquan: What. is. soul? Is. this. [Skrrrrt] dummy. audible?
Kurt: Your soul? That’s the essence of your being. The part of you that transcends to heaven after your mortal life is over.
Anquan: Irrelevant. to. wide. receiver.
Kurt: That’s just plain not true. The power of prayer, it sustains us in all facets of being.
Anquan: Playbook. programming. does. not. recognize. [Skrrrrt] prayer.
Kurt: We’re gonna just have to fix that, then, won’t we. Join me in one of our 50-yard-line prayer circles, and I think it’ll change your life.
Anquan: Lifeform. [Whirs] Kurt. Warner. expendable. Create. replicant.
Kurt: Replicant? What are you talking about? I — OH GOD NO! WHAT ABOMINAT– NNNNOOOOOO!AAAACCKKGGGGGGG!
CyKurt: Must. execute. protocol.
Anquan: Protocol. is. go. route.
CyKurt: There. is. no. God.
Anquan: There. is. only. [Skrrrt] creator.
Will Leitch: Yesyes, my lovelies! I’ve programmed you to win AND WIN YOU SHALL! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!