[Second half on Sunday]
See? Do you see, world? I gave God Boy his shot. You hectored me, you badgered me, you put up stupid billboards and hurled Bibles through my windows. I finally gave in. It killed a little bit of my soul to do it, but I’m a practical man who knows when he’s licked. So I did it. I started Tebow. And for what? This. This is what you’ve been just dying to see. Bra-vo.
Look at him. This brainwashed holy roller goon can’t complete a seven-yard out to pick up a first down. That’s right, here’s your insincere slap on the back as you jog off the field after another three-and-out. Come get it. God, I f*cking hate you. So glad this will be over soon. The fans will realize how stupid and wrong they were and I’ll be able to bring in somebody good next year. Maybe I’ll even get to draft Luck. That’d be sweet.
Oh, f*ck, he’s staying over here. Why can’t he just sit on the bench like a normal person? Okay, okay. Act busy. Where’s the linebacker coach? I need to yell at him about his guys breaking contain on Bush. Damn it, I can’t find him. Oh great, now I have to talk to Tebow. Stop being so eager. You’re never going to be good. What’s the point? He’s such a closetalker. Back the f*ck off. Can you believe this asshole wanted me to join his prayer circle before the game? Just soooo upstanding, isn’t he? I told him I already prayed at home. You could see the heartbreak in his eyes. It was fantastic.
Why are his college teammates here? Nobody cares. No one. I hate you all. Go back to Gainesville and manufacture human misery that we can laugh at from afar. That’s what Florida is for, why we even keep it around. Being Fark fodder. I swear if I see Urban Meyer clapping one more time, I’ll start lighting shit on fire.
Another stop by the defense. I wish I could apologize to every guy on that unit. Busting their ass just so Charlie Church can screw it up. It’s all right. A few more minutes and this will all be over. No doubt the media will still pretend rainbows beam out of his shit, but after a few weeks of this, even they’ll have to admit that Tebow blows. 4/14 for 40 yards. Can you believe that? Against one of the worst teams in the league? Unreal. I’d trade him for Jimmy Clausen right now if I could. I’m not even kidding.
I get run out of Carolina after years of trying to get by with hapless losers like Jake Delhomme, Chris Weinke, Clausen and Matt Moore and what happens? They get Cam f*cking Newton. The top-flight QB I’d been waiting for just falls into their lap. Yeah, real f*cking fair. The wife was right. “Just sit out this season. It won’t kill you. And then a good job will open up somewhere else.” I couldn’t listen. I just HAD to be coaching. I could have had the Miami job. They suck, too, but I least I wouldn’t have been sabotaged from the outset by this fundamentalist Christ groupie jorttard.
Oh, look, Timmy got himself a first down. Even a blind squirrel can bust a nut once in a while. Heh. Bet you’d love that one, you creepy little virgin. I can’t even tell jokes in the clubhouse anymore ’cause he gets all bent out of shape. I went up to McGahee in the locker room and said, “What do you call a quadriplegic woman who washes up on the beach? SANDY!” He cracked up, but there stood Timmy with the sad look in the eyes like he just saw Hey-Zeus take it in the pooper. I think I’ll start putting up hardcore porn all over the locker room. Eat strange hole, Tebow.
Great, we finally scored. Well, whatever. It doesn’t matter. Miami will kill the clock here. I’ll go dime package on all downs just to make sure.
WHAT? NO! NO! HOW CAN YOU NOT CONVERT? I HATE YOU, SPARANO! JUST WIN THE GODDAMN GAME! I’M GIVING IT TO YOU! TAKE IT! TAKE IT!
Fine, we got it back. It’ll be even better if Tebow has a chance to come back and screws the pooch.
OH C’MON! F*ck you, Daniel Fells. You lay out for that? STOP MAKING TEBOW LOOK COMPETENT! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT!? IS IT? YEARS AND YEARS OF COVERING FOR HIS MISTAKES AND WOBBLY WOBBLY PASSES? WELL KEEP IT UP THEN! SEE IF I CARE!
ARE YOU F*CKING WITH ME!? HOW CAN MIAMI NOT SEE THE QB DRAW COMING?! WE TELEGRAPHED THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PLAY! IT WAS AN EMPTY BACKFIELD! DRAWS ARE ALL THAT GIANT PIOUS RETARD CAN DO! STOP HIM! STOP HIM!
Of course Matt Moore fumbled in overtime. OF COURSE HE DID. Coach killer. I have him to thank for me being in this crummy job. I want to witness your last breath, Matt Moore, then go out for Taco Tuesday at Don Pablos. Really savor the moment. And the flavors.
Ooooh boy. We won. Look at the euphoria splayed across my face. Like someone laid it on with a trowel.
Let history show that I tried to put a stop to this. I really did. It’s bad enough that I’m gonna have to live through it. Just don’t let anyone assume it was my doing. Because it wasn’t. This is my hell, too.
F*ck you, Tebow. May you die knowing Islam is the one true faith and that God hates us. Better yet, there is no God. What benevolent creator would allow this happen? It wouldn’t. God is dead and Tebow killed Him.
They’re gonna find your S&M gay abortion dungeon, Timmy. I’m starting to give the media hints. Then you’ll be a pariah. Your mom will get another Super Bowl commercial just to announce that she’s abandoning you. Rick Perry will no longer accept you as his VP. No more will kissing teammates after victories be written off as getting swept up in emotion.
It’ll be getting swept up in anal. Tony Dungy will lead hate marches against you and the Westboro Baptist Church will picket your funeral. And I will love all of that.
But before all that, I get to have my fun. Since Timmy Tebow: All-Heaven Clutch Hero is in demand, that’s what I’m going to give everyone. From now on, we’re gonna have five-wide sets with seven step drops. Trick plays with Tebow as a receiver going over the middle. QB dives on 3rd and 3. Tebow returning punts with fair catches outlawed. Tebow holding on extra points with his teeth.
I’m gonna get you, you son of a bitch. For all of us.