Dan Snyder: Who is this “Iron Man” character who has done boffo business to the tune of $104 million over the weekend? I knew I should have listened to Ted Leonsis when he told me to invest in the kinetoscope. What is it about these popcorn movies that captures the imagination of the hoi polloi in a way that Johnny Rockets doesn’t? Damn their fickle, simple tastes! Ah, here, a synopsis of this insipid entertainment:
“An eccentric billionaire crafts a metal supersuit to save the world and his corporation from utter destruction.”
Hmm. You don’t say.
Vinny Cerrato: Yesth bossth!?
Snyder: Bring me any such iron men you can turn up. And I swear to Xenu, if you come back with one more fucking deadbeat rapping receiver, you’ll wish I never plucked you from the obscurity of Largo Five Guys shift manager. Speaking of, pick me up some of those cajun fries while you’re out.
Cerrato: At onceth, sthir!
Cerrato: Misthter Sthnyder, I believe I’ve found the Iron Men you stheek!
Ghostface Killah: Gingerbread ice sculpture oligarchy! Wally don done got all loan sharky! Holler at your girl but she’s an old harpy! Shaolin, stand up! Tony Stark! The realest!
Snyder: What is this man saying? And where’s his suit? If only we had Chad Johnson around to translate.
Cerrato: I believe it is sthome sthort of doggerel about his home of Sthtaten Island.
Snyder: What else you got?
Snyder: Holy fucking shit. What am I supposed to do with Don Rickles?
Cerrato: Actually, it’s Cal Ripken, sthir.
Snyder: My God, that streak really took a toll on you.
Cal Ripken, Jr.: Actually, it’s the whoring for Comcast. They literally drain the lifeforce from me while filming those spots.
Snyder: You know what? We’re not getting anywhere with this. We need to be thinking toward the future. What movies are coming up? The-the-the-THE INCREDIBLE HULK! Yes! Get some of that superserum and inject that shit into Chris Cooley.
Cerrato: But sthir, that’s not stherum, that’s sthteroids.
Snyder: Serum, semen, steroids, whatever. Just fucking use it!