ESPN’s espnW, the World Wide Leaders’s women-centric vertical, recently launched a fantasy football column written by three sisters raised on Broncos football. In their second column, the trio set forth their fantasy football ranking of the top 200 players based on six basic categories: Marriage Material, Boyfriend Potential, It’s Complicated, Friends With Benefits, Flirts and One-Night Stands.
But why should women have all the fun? Men should be allowed to play all the fantasy football they want and have it explained to them in terms that only men understand. So in the spirit of equality, I give to you The KSK Fantasy Football Guide For Men: The Three Stooges Scale.
Using the following eight Three Stooges clips as guides — obviously there are eight categories and not six because everything a woman can do a man can do more of by making it more complicated — men will soon be able to figure out how to best rank players based on the emotions each fantasy player feels at the time of the draft.
Happy Dance Three Stoogies
Do you have Peyton Manning, Jamaal Charles, Adrien Peterson, LeSean McCoy or Calvin Johnson on your fantasy team? Time to do a happy dance, not just because they’re awesome, but odds are you finished your fantasy draft days ago like the well-prepared man you are.
All Stooges Facepalm
Oh, you haven’t finished your fantasy draft? What are you? Some kind of unprepared woman? You probably are going to “accidentally” draft BenJarvus Green-Ellis too, aren’t you?
Curly Holes In The Head
While taking Eric Decker may seem foolish to some, there is a good chance you’ll have some surprisingly positive results on your team.
All Stooges Slap
You’re thinking about starting Derek Carr. Don’t. No matter how poorly you have drafted, or if you are in a 28-team league, you have a better option than Derek Carr.
Moe Curly Eye Poke
It’s tempting to think you’re going to get many, many Gritcoins out of Danny Woodhead this season, but don’t be fooled. He still plays in San Diego and it’s not looking good for the Chargers this season.
Moe Hits Larry With A Pie
Randall Cobb could prove to be a delicious slice of apple pie with cheddar cheese melted on top (it’s a Wisconsin thing), but if you reach too early for him you’re going to be creamed.
Moe Slapping Larry
Penis. Penis junk sack stiffy Johnson rod salami cock dick. Balls.
Curly Slapping Himself
Jake Locker, Storm Johnson (because you like the name), Miles Austin, Garrett Graham; drafting any of these guys should come with slapping yourself.
Now you’re ready to play fantasy football like a man. A strong, intelligent man who swears he’s going to stop playing fantasy football season after season and yet has signed up for eight leagues this season.