I’m sure that you’ve seen many of these so-called “Institutes” for WhateverTheFuck issuing report cards to NFL, Fortune 500 companies and whomever else they feel like bothering. Supposedly, these things are based on those firms’ minority hiring practices. This whole process always seemed a little bogus to me, especially since “minorities” don’t seem to include people of Indian, East Asian, or Latin descent. And before I drive a burning cross in the carpet next to your desk, let me just add that there doesn’t seem to be enough information floating around that would make these asessments accurate.
But what if we were to grade minorities themselves? Holy shit, there’s a treasure trove of data floating around to do that! Sure, some of it is just rumor and speculation, but who gives a fuck? That never stopped these so-called Institutes from pushing shit on everyone else. In fact, I’m starting my own institute right now, the The Jam It Up Your Ass, or the JIUYA Institute for short, as it says on all of our pending shipment of stationary.
And what is our Institute going to grade? Blackness. Out and out blackness. Yes, we know that R. Kelly is blacker than, say, Tony Dungy, but by how much? Can we create a subjective measure of how well a brutha gets down? We won’t know until we try. And so The Jam It Up Your Ass Institute presents, in conjunction with this fine website, the inaugural Kissing Suzy Kolber Minority Report Card. Enjoy.
1. R. KELLY. Recording Artist/Alleged Child Pornography Connoisseur.
PENMANSHIP – Routinely fails to spell out entire first name. A
PHYS. ED. – Doesn’t actually play in the NFL. F
ENGLISH – No ‘z’s used for plural nouns. Song lyrics include well-rounded concepts. F
SEX ED. – Eighteen or older, Robert. Eighteen or older. INCOMPLETE
GPA – D
TEACHER’S NOTES – “I believe you can try … harder.”
2. Tony Dungy. Head Coach, Indianapolis Colts.
THEOLOGY – Openly shows disdain for gays, citing the Bible. Yeah, buttfucking might be a sin, but so is eating bacon. F
DRAMA – Never yells. Except about gays. D
SOCIAL STUDIES – Shown up by his own quarterback when said QB waved Coach’s punt team off the field. Could not come up with two-thirds majority to override the veto. D
WORLD HISTORY – Kinda looks Mexican. F
GPA – D-minus
TEACHER’S NOTES – “About as black as the three of hearts.”
3. TRAVIS JOHNSON. Defensive Lineman, Houston Texans.
(aka The Guy That Ruined Trent Green’s Shit Last Season)
DANCE – Celebrated after Green concussed himself on Johnson’s knee on a busted play in the midst of the Dolphins’ nearly-winless season. A
SPEECH – “He’s like the scarecrow. He wants to get courage while I wasn’t looking, and hit me in my knee instead of trying to hit me in my head. God don’t like ugly, you know what I mean? ” A
ACCOUNTING – Was (rightfully) not fined for the incident. A
GEOGRAPHY – Plays for the Texans. In Texas. A
GPA – A
TEACHER’S NOTES – “Negro Cum Laude.”
4. BRYANT GUMBEL. Host, HBO’s RealSports with Bryant Gumbel.
MATH – Has trouble understanding 4-down/10-yard concept. D
CHORUS – Sings the alto parts for O Danny Boy. F
MOCK TRIAL – Routinely winds up as the one being mocked. F
ECONOMICS – Having his magazine show encroached upon by noted Caucasian Bob Costas satisfies “slighted by the white man” prerequisite. A
GPA – C-minus
TEACHER’S NOTES – “Maybe Black does crack.”