College football has its polls. Other sites have their power rankings. But at KSK, we like when people suffer; it brings them down to our level. With the regular season a quarter of the way through the season, it’s time to check in and see how things are shaking out.
YOUR SAD SIX
1 (TIE). Cleveland Browns, 1-2 (Previously: 1)
Okay, I know. A tie? Why are the Browns still tied with the Raiders when the Browns have actually won a game? When they haven’t fired their coach just four weeks into the season? Because this is the FACTORY OF SADNESS, people. Remember, last season, the team actually looked semi-competent and won three-straight to sit pretty at 3-2… when Hoyer tore his ACL in that third win against Buffalo. After that? 1-10 to finish the season. As the saying goes, to be the best (at sadness), you have to beat the best (at sadness). The Browns are coming off a bye and have games against at the Titans, Steelers at home, and at the Jags. If the same team that beat the Saints and nearly beat the Ravens shows up and is just slightly more competent, they could be 3-3 going in to the Sadness Bowl on October 26.
1 (TIE). Oakland Raiders, 0-4 (Previously: 2)
Okay, so the shit show continues as the Raiders are now 0-4 and have an interim coach in Tony Sparano. They made some pretty cool fumbles but, overall, 2014 is just another Raiders year; Add “firing your head coach in the first month of the season after a 12-hour flight back from London” to this list. And it won’t get better: with a bye this week, the Raiders then welcome the surging Chargers and surprising Cardinals to Oakland. Long story short, they should be 0-6 going into the Sadness Bowl. And, when our next Sadness Scale is out, we may have a new champ.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars, 0-4 (Previously: 5)
Who. Fucking. Cares?
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 1-3 (Previously: Unranked)
Two losses by a combines eight points, an upset win in Pittsburgh, and a blowout loss to a weird Falcons team on Thursday Night Football. Yep, this is Lovie Smith’s football team. Lovie Smith’s football teams feel like characters our of an old Hunter S. Thompson story. But Lovie Smith’s home town is also my namesake so I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. At least there are no communicable diseases in the locker room (THAT WE KNOW OF, HASHTAG EBOLA) and there hasn’t been a team captain mutiny so it’s already an improvement on 2013. They faced a pissed off Saints team this week and the Ravens and Vikings down the road before facing the Browns so it’s possible even they could leapfrog the Browns in the rankings.
5. St. Louis Rams, 1-2 (Previously: 3)
Did you know coach Jeff Fisher played college football at USC with Ronnie Lott? Did you know Bill Cowher broke his leg in a game? Did you also know he got a Super Bowl ring even though he was on injured reserve for the 1985 Chicago Bears? I had to learn these facts on Wikipedia because I don’t really know a whole lot about the Rams this year other than that they sometimes fight on the sideline and they cut Michael Sam. They’re pretty milquetoast. That’s kind of sad in its own right. Blandy bland bland. It’s the team most likely to warrant the “Shit, I have to watch THAT game?” reaction for people who don’t live in NFL cities. Sorry, Omaha.
6. Tennessee Titans, 1-3 (Previously: 6)
Charlie Whitehurst is still playing quarterback! That’s a thing! The Titans have been outscored 100-34 in three straight losses and could possibly lose to the Browns this weekend (and, no, that wouldn’t leapfrog the Titans ahead of the Browns because historical context). Still, Locker may be back and the schedule isn’t THAT hard so farting their way to 7-9 is entirely possible but will anyone care? It’s Rams Syndrome. Boring.
STUCK WATCHING RERUNS OF THE BIG BANG THEORY BECAUSE THE REMOTE DIED AND YOU’RE TOO FAT AND TIRED TO GET UP
The Ryan Brothers (2-6), Washington Fightin’ Snyders (1-3)
Oooooooooooh, the Ryan Brothers. The NFL would have moved from comedy to drama faster than a shitty episode of “Scrubs” without the George and Oscar Bluth of professional sports. It’s incredibly appropriate that their defenses are equally inept this season though Oscar’s poor performance is a bit more alarming. But not quite as alarming as people having expectations of a good defense from New Orleans. They’re inability to tackle was like Rob’s inability to say no to a free high ball at Miss Mae’s (though I’m told they no longer serve them, dammit). As for the Fightin’ Snyders, they’re last place in a suddenly good NFC East, are coming off an ass whooping at the hands of the Giants and South Park, and they’ve got Seattle, Arizona, and Dallas on their upcoming schedule. If they win a few of those, I might be inclined to change their name to the KISSIN’ COUSINS. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, GUYS.
REFRESHING GMAIL WHILE WAITING FOR THAT GIRL FROM OKCUPID TO EMAIL BACK
Minnesota Vikings (2-2)
And just like that, things don’t look so bleak in Minnesota. Sure, they got spanked by New England and lost a grinder of a game at New Orleans, but they’re sitting at 2-2 and the revelation that is Teddy Bridgewater has given the team and its fans some semblance of hope. But hope is a dangerous thing. I heard that in a movie once. They’re actually in contention in a bungled NFC North and have games against the Packers and the first place Lions (!!!!) the next two weeks. It’s almost the perfect excuse to forget about some sort of unpleasantness they had to deal with at the beginning of the season, something about someone doing some stuff that was bad… meh, whatever, I forgot already!