Well folks, with the playoffs kicking off this weekend and almost no fantasy action to be had, we’ve lifted the usual restraints and allowed several sex-only questions this week, which is what most of you depraved jackals want anyway. We’ll keep the restrictions loose over the next couple of months and switch back to equal parts sex and FF as the NFL Draft gets closer. Cool? Cool. Let’s get to your questions.
So I’ve been hooking up with this girl a couple months, and I’m thinking about committing to something. But she’s only blown me once (plenty of sex though), and she used too much teeth. Like, broken skin too much teeth. Is there anyway to inform her, without sounding like an asshole “Honey, watch the teeth”?
– Thank You Aloe
Have you tried “Ow, I’m bleeding”?
As your raked penis can testify, your girl doesn’t know how to give a blowjob. And the lack of blowjobs suggests she’s either aware of this or doesn’t enjoy it (or both: I didn’t enjoy going down on girls until I knew what I was doing). So you have to coach her. Encourage her. Tell her what to do without being negative. Always: “I like that” and “put your lips over teeth” and “that’s great.” Never: “No, not like that” or “Ouch!” or “What the fuck, doesn’t Cosmo give you tips on this every goddam month?”
Dear Random Person on the Internet,
Fantasy: Part 1: I’ve run a no-money, smack-talk heavy league among college friends for over ten years. This year we made a new rule: first place gets to name the last place team for the following year. I won this year (#humblebrag), so I have the honor of defacing one of my buddy’s team for a full fantasy season, and the pressure is well and truly on for the name not to suck (or rather, for it to be hilariously sucky). I have a few ideas, but I’d love to open it up to the mailbag commetariat because I’m honestly not very witty.
I guess that’s cool, but fantasy team names are already so depraved that it’s actually hard to do something embarrassing. My team name in one league has been Muffcunt Vaginapussy for three years, and I have no intention of changing it. So I don’t know, I guess it would have to be something he wouldn’t want to say to other people? Maybe something like “I Was Breastfed Until Age 10”?
Fantasy: Part 2: The league agreed before this year’s draft to switch our keeper system to “unlimited number of keepers, equal to the round drafted in the previous year”.
That is crazy. Not like morning DJ “That is CRAAAAY-ZAYYYYYY!!” *bike horn honking*. I mean mentally disturbed, you shouldn’t handle sharp things insane.
Obviously, who I keep depends on who will be available and the status of my players at draft time next year. My question is how do leagues with keeper systems like this typically handle waiver wire pickups? Mid-season pickups Cruz and Robinson helped me win the playoffs, and I’d naturally like to keep them at little or no cost, but I also don’t want to be a horrible commissioner or friend or person.
It varies. I’m in two keeper leagues myself; in one, we can only keep players that we drafted and stayed on our roster all year — no waiver pick-ups or traded players can be kept, which is stupid and I’m badgering our commissioner to change it. In the KSK Blogger League, of which I am the newly crowned champion (WHAT WHAT), waiver pickups can be kept for a 5th round pick, which I think is entirely too steep of a price.
On the other hand, a lot of people write in about leagues where waiver guys can be kept for a final-round pick, which I think is too cheap. If you examine the worthwhile keepers available on waivers throughout the season versus the average 15th-round draft selections, it’s easy to see that the two shouldn’t be regarded as having the same value. Injuries, waiver order, and the added benefit of seeing players perform in games makes waiver pick-ups an informed lottery versus the kicker-heavy crapshoot of Round 15 in the draft. Personally, I think you should be able to keep a waiver pick-up for something between an 8th rounder and a 10th rounder.
Sex: I have no sex questions. Not because I know everything (I certainly do not), but because I am the father of two young children with a full time job, so sex is no longer something I have time to even worry about. I don’t even have time to find a nice consolation picture for you. Wow. In print that makes it even sadder. It certainly takes the sparkle out of winning the championships. Anyway, TAKE MY AWKWARD AND HORRIBLE LIFE AS A WARNING AND ENJOY YOUR HONEYMOON SEX PERIOD.
– Maybe My Priorities Are Not Right
That was way too many sentences for no payoff of any kind. Why did I even include this letter?
What is the best sex position in your opinion? A simple question, yet I would think it to be quite informative for many men.
There is no “best.” It’s a personal preference guided by what most turns an individual on and/or what feels the best. In some cases, it can be different from partner to partner, depending on what gives you a view (or grasp) of your partner’s best body part or how tight her pussy is. Or the reverse: us fellas all have different-sized wangs, so different positions may work to get a particular lady off from guy to guy. Find an angle that works, and enjoy it. Results may vary.
My girlfriend of about three years’ lease is expiring. While I’m accepting of her moving into my two bedroom apt with me and my buddy, I don’t want to give a sign that this means a marriage proposal is forthcoming. I’m sure the next step will be that her and I get our own place while she attends graduate school.
She and I. If you are consistently confused by whether to use him/her versus he/she, get rid of the other article (in this case, “I”). Her is not going to attend graduate school, is her? No, her wouldn’t do that. She can, though.
While I can envision myself marrying this lady, I don’t want to all of a sudden look back and wonder where the hell my mid-20s went. Any best practices?
Thanks and cheers-
Norv Turner’s face craters
Two things here. Number 1: Even if you’ve got a chill roommate, adding a third person to a two-bedroom apartment is throwing a GIGANTIC FUCKING WRENCH into your lives. Sure, maybe your girlfriend is already spending four or five nights a week in your bedroom, so what’s the big deal? The big deal is not just two nights — it’s ALL the time. Every morning, every evening after work (or class), all day on the weekends. There’s a gigantic divide between “we get along great all the time” to ACTUALLY living together. It’s a difficult adjustment to make for two people in love; I can’t even imagine roping a bystander into the mix. Again, I don’t how close you and your roommate are, but my gut instinct is that it’s a terrible idea.
Number 2: As someone who’s lived in New York City for seven years, I’ve seen a LOT of couples move in together because someone’s lease expired and moving in together was the sensible thing to do financially. As in, convenience and dollars drove the decision rather than a burning love and a desire to live together in the same small apartment. These relationships generally go one of two ways: (1) an ugly break-up followed by months of living with each other because they’re both on the lease and neither can afford the place by themselves, or (2) years and years of living together, with the woman expecting and expecting a proposal but never getting one because the man feels trapped, which in turn results in the woman snapping and laying down an ultimatum as her internal clock winds down, which in turn leads to either an unhappy marriage or a broken, barren, lonely woman. All to save a couple hundred bucks on rent. Fuck that.
Now, I’m not trying to piss all over your relationship. Maybe your girlfriend IS the love of your life and your future wife. Remember: I’m just a stranger on the internet who doesn’t know anything about you aside from your occasionally shaky grammar. But you said something telling in your email: “While I’m accepting of her moving in…” She shouldn’t move in when you accept it. She should move in when you WANT it. You should BOTH want it, and you should do it without a third party being trapped inside the same walls.
FOOTBALL: Season’s over, but I DID finish 12 points away from my first ever championship… To a guy who just joined this year. I hope his car breaks down in a bad neighborhood.
That’s not so bad. Street toughs are more likely to have jobs as mechanics or tow truck operators. Maybe they’ll help him out.
SEX: Not so much sex, but I do have some wedding questions. I was named my buddy’s ‘best man’ the other week (suck it, my other friends) and am pretty damn excited about it. But my problem doesn’t lie with the bachelor party or the speech (which at the time being I am terrified about) but the fact that I’m single… And for that matter have never had a girlfriend (24). I’m sure I could probably get a girl friend of mine to cover my ass and go with me, but if I can’t, it is normal for the best man to go stag?
-Can’t Find a Better Man
It’s normal for ANYONE to go stag to a wedding. If anything, it’s more sensible to go stag as best man/groomsman, because then you don’t have a date sitting by herself while you’re up in the wedding party. Hell, give a thoughtful, touching, funny speech, and you may get your choice of bridesmaids.
I wrote in about a year ago when I started dating a guy (February 2011, no need to re-link to it) and was dealing with being a horribly insecure person. Your advice and the commenters was helpful, so I thought I’d write in again. Its been almost a year since we started dating, and I’m happy to report that things are still going well, but for one small concern in bed. However, I can’t seem to get him to take the lead – either initiate sex or propose new things. Its always me starting stuff off, or proposing something different. Our sex is fantastic, but I want to sometimes be able to sit back and let him take the lead without feeling like a horny teenage boy always trying to get in his pants. Any advice for ways to get someone to take the lead without feeling like a nag or having to feign being totally disinterested in sex so they take a hint?
Football Loving Homo
The “my partner never initiates sex” is a staple of the mailbag that’s never fun to answer, because there’s not a straightforward solution. It’s in that shitty, nuanced area of a relationship that can only be solved by frank, open communication — and a lot of times, it only results in a temporary resolution before backsliding to the unsatisfying status quo. So have a serious talk to your boyfriend about it, and of course couch it in the delicate terminology: “I’ve noticed that…” “What can I do to help resolve this?” All that shit.
Oh, and be sexier.
Dear Purveyors of Poon,
Fantasy: I’m in a keeper league where we have to give up a pick two rounds ahead of where that player was drafted. You go with Beeth Moder (give up an 8th) or Demarco Murray (11th)? It might also be worth noting we have a two-year limit on keepers and I kept the Rainbow Taster last year.
I’d lean toward Lynch, but I’m an unapologetic homer who has faith in a strong 2012 for Beast Mode (stabilized O-line, steadily improved offense). Murray was awesome for a stint this season, but I don’t know enough about the Cowboys’ plans or his injury history to give him my full vote of confidence. I’m sure Murray would be a great keeper; I’m just ignorant of the details I need and I don’t feel like looking them up.
Sex: my wife is a little upset because she bought me a TV for Christmas, and I bought her a bunch of accessories for her new car. She’s not super pissed or anything, but she’s been a little cunty about the much-higher cost of my gift. My rationale: we have joint accounts and she’s going to use the TV as much, if not more than me. I’ll admit I wanted the TV, but I only watch sports and news, whereas she records all kinds of retarded shit. Who’s the asshole here?
Both of you. Go fuck it out.
O Captain! My Captain!
This is sort of a “getting over someone” submission, but not quite what I’ve seen in the mailbags I’ve read (most of them). I was with a girl for about 10 years, the last 3 on and off. We lived together and were really close to engagement twice. First time she bolted (for someone else, long story), second time I bailed. That was the final breakup; about 15 months ago.
Since then I have generally followed you standard regimen of worry about yourself, work out, meet new people, have fun, etc. I’ve done all that. I haven’t had any contact with her in over 6 months. I’ve lost close to 50 lb in the past 3 years and am in the best shape of my life. I have a ton of really fun, interesting new friends. Work is fantastic. Basically life could not be better right now, I am the 1%.
But my heart’s not in it. The few times I’ve tried to have a relationship in the past year, I’ve either nitpicked to death some small flaw, or just generally became bored within weeks. At this point I’ve gotten pretty apathetic to the idea of meeting women, and having fun in general. The past few months my friends and family have both commented on me being more withdrawn and introverted. I spent the new years alone watching TV, blowing off friends that were begging me to come to come out.
At this point I’m just wondering if the end of this relationship, even though it’s been over a year is still affecting me. I sort of figured I’d have moved on for the most part at this point. Granted, I am 30, and she was basically my life during my formative 20s. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
Don’t be alarmed, you’re normal. Maybe a little depressed, but then, who isn’t? That’s what happens when you go through a break-up: this thing that was a part of you — whether good or bad, loved or cancerous — is ripped out of you, and you walk around feeling less than whole. So the working out and improving yourself regimen that I encourage is all about getting your mind off of your sadness.
But what goes unsaid about the post-breakup period is this: you’re putting on an act. You go out with your friends and pretend to have a good time and sleep with new people because that’s what you’re supposed to do, but your heart’s not in it. But you keep doing it: keep going out, keep trying to date people, keep working on bettering yourself, and after a couple months or a year or three years, you realize that you’re not pretending to have fun, but actually having fun. After forcing yourself to date other people you’re not totally into, eventually you find someone that you DO sincerely like. Scars take time to heal.
That said, you’re 30 and single and you stayed in on New Year’s because you’re feeling apathetic? Fuck you. I mean, if you need to go see a licensed therapist and get some depression meds, get some depression meds. But I’m not a licensed therapist; I’m someone who actively made a decision to be stronger than my collection of problems and mistakes, of which there are many. So whether it means pulling yourself up by the emotional bootstraps or seeking out professional therapy, get your shit together. Get out and live your one shot at life while you’re still young, or fuck off. The world is fresh out of sympathy.