We already mentioned that the Cowboys have committed a personal security team to Dez Bryant detail in order to keep the oft-troubled receiver from finding himself in more hot water. Of course, the Cowboys learned the hard way with Pacman Jones that a team of bodyguards isn’t enough on its own to enforce behaviorial guidelines. Further steps are necessary. Which is why the Cowboys have enacted a stricter set of rules for Dez than they have with wayward players of the past. What follows are the most significant changes from a 56-page handbook that the team has provided to Dez:
Can stab teammates with nothing sharper than a child’s pumpkin carver.
Teammates’ mothers must stay out of arm’s reach, avoid prostitution.
Must finish in the top five in the league in smiles.
Glory hole privileges suspended until further notice.
Mandatory study hall, 2-3 p.m. every weekday.
Only act hard in the background of Jerry Jones pizza rap verses.
If you must visit the upscale shopping mall, no leaving the food court.
When engaging the public, assume a more proper-sounding moniker, such as Dezford.
Required to partake in regular decontamination drills of Rob Ryan Econoline van; must wear Hazmat suit.
All routes must be chaperoned.
Contact with strippers is prohibited unless escorting them to Jerry Jones’ private jet.
No watching DMX videos.
Assist Tony Romo in posing his infant child for Starter advertisements.
Thrice-weekly elocution classes with Jason Garrett following Eating Club.
No evening plans are to be more exciting than whatever Jason Witten is doing.