The NFL Wants Your Ass Off Of Your Couch And In Their Hard Plastic Seats

05.21.13 4 years ago 95 Comments

Image via some Rick Reily article where he did the same stupid thing only with stupid jokes about Matthew Matthew McConaughey movies.

You guys, the NFL is really worried about you staying home to watch games on television. And why shouldn’t they be? Sure they’re making $20 billion off of TV revenue, but at what cost? The cost of $12 beers and $40 parking, I guess. How big a problem is this for NFL executives? Concussion big.

Stephen Jones says there will be another pressing issue on the agenda: the increasing problem of getting NFL fans off the couch, away from their high-definition TVs and back into stadium seats.

“Everybody always says we have to watch concussions and all of that, and that’s at the forefront. But I’d say 1-A is this,” the Dallas Cowboys’ executive vice president and chief operating officer told USA TODAY Sports on Monday.

Oh, Stephen Jones. We really feel for you after you guys built that 80,000 seat albatross in the midst of the RedZone Era. Of course the availability of the NFL’s own RedZone Channel (in high-definition!) isn’t the only thing keeping fans at home. I was a regular at Redskins games throughout my childhood and adolescence, but I stopped accompanying my dad to FedEx Field years ago. And here is why.

1. Drunken redneck asshole fans. I love my team, but man, the gameday experience is for shit. Also, these people.
2. I get on the beltway to drive to Landover every day for work. Why would I want to do that on the weekend? The traffic and parking are fucking miserable, no matter what improvements they’ve made.
3. A $9 six pack of Great Lakes Dortmunder Gold will always win out over $12 of piss beer.
4. A coffee table filled with snacks from Trader Joe’s will always win out over some crab pretzel abomination.
5. Television replays, plus DVR functions allow me to watch players get concussed over and over again.
6. Multiple televisions/computers. I always watch the Redskins. I also enjoy watching everyone else. At once. Because I can.
7. There is nobody passed out in a pool of their own puke in my bathroom unless Drew comes over for the Vikings game.
8. I don’t have to miss Premier League soccer matches to make it to the stadium for 1 pm kickoffs.
9. I don’t have to miss most of the 4 pm games while sitting in traffic on the way home from the 1 pm game.
10. I’m obviously a huge yuppie pussy (see 1, 3, 4, 7 and 8).

Around The Web

How Keeping Austin Weird Turned Into A Widespread Phenomenon

02.15.17 4 days ago 11 Comments

How Kevin Gates Went From Underground To Platinum In A Year And Changed The Game In The Process

02.02.17 2 weeks ago 6 Comments

Look For The Star: How Starter Jackets Became The Iconic Clothing Of The Early ’90s

01.31.17 3 weeks ago 9 Comments

‘Dream, Try, Do Good’: The Oral History Of ‘Boy Meets World’

01.31.17 3 weeks ago 6 Comments

How Frank Barsalona Created The Modern Rock Concert And Got Himself Into The Hall Of Fame

01.30.17 3 weeks ago

The Story Behind Gus Fring’s Stunningly Explosive Moment On ‘Breaking Bad’

and 01.30.17 3 weeks ago 5 Comments

How Toronto’s Boosie Fade Transformed From A Rap DJ Night Into A Digital Movement

01.12.17 1 month ago

Infiltrating The Bills Mafia To Find Out Why Fans Keep Supporting The NFL’s Most Hopeless Team

01.01.17 2 months ago 8 Comments

From Ray Charles To Jimi Hendrix: How Seattle Helped Create R&B And Rock And Roll

01.01.17 2 months ago 6 Comments

‘Stop Crying And Fight Your Father’: ‘Seinfeld’ Writers Tell How Festivus Came To Be

and 12.23.16 2 months ago 12 Comments

The Lasting Impact Of Adidas Tearaway Pants On Hip-Hop And A Hoops Generation

12.08.16 2 months ago 2 Comments

Understanding The History And The Motivations Behind The Standing Rock Protests

12.02.16 3 months ago 6 Comments

How Do We Combat The Intensifying War On Science?

and 11.30.16 3 months ago 30 Comments

Exploring The Intersection Of Hip-Hop And Social Justice

and 11.30.16 3 months ago

From Near ‘Simpsons’ Spinoff To A Check Against Hollywood Ridiculousness: Why ‘The Critic’ Still Matters

11.29.16 3 months ago 25 Comments

Willie Nelson’s Love Affair With Weed Made Him An Outlaw And A Country Music Revolutionary

11.22.16 3 months ago 2 Comments

How ‘Above The Rim’ Merged Streetball And Hip-Hop To Make A Cautionary Tale About Choices

and 11.18.16 3 months ago 6 Comments

The Story Of The Fugees’ Bitter Breakup And Unforgettable Legacy

11.10.16 3 months ago 13 Comments