Earlier today Vinny “Blinky” Cerrato made one of his twice-weekly appearances on Danny Snyder’s ESPN 980, the official station of the Washington Redskins. He some time out to chat with the fans and announced some exciting plans to rip off Pittsburgh’s beloved Terrible Towels. You know, the brightly colored hand towels that Steelers fans have utilized for thirty years.
Yeah, in a move startling both for its timeliness and its originality, 50,000 burgundy ESPN980 towels will be handed out on Sunday night, 50,000 apparently being the estimated number of Redskins fans who will be on hand.
“I can’t get tickets,” one caller said Inside the Red Zone today.
“Everybody else could,” Vinny Cerrato replied. “All the Pittsburgh people could. You must have been calling the wrong people….We’re going to have nice towels so we won’t have the yellow Pittsburgh towels in the stadium. We’re going to have burgundy Redskins towels.
Yeah, asshole, why can’t you spend one of your precious bi-weekly paycheck to take in one of the worst stadium experiences in the NFL?! Don’t you know how badly we need the support of you fans? We thought we made that clear when we bled every cent out of your pocket over the last decade. Hell, we’re even throwing in FREE RAGS!
That’s right, after last week’s embarrassment against the Steelers we’ve determined that the best possible way to keep out rival fans is by handing out poorly made rags. Why if it weren’t for this mind-numbingly brilliant marketing ploy our beloved town of Raljon might be overrun every week! Did you see how cool all of those yellow towels looked? Just try to picture 50,000 burgundy rags flapping away!
Seriously Vinny, these weak-ass rags are going to look like one of your week-old maxipads. But hey, at least you’ve figured out a way to drown out all the Terrible Towels that will surely be waving when we play…Dallas. That sir, is why you are the VP of Player personnel, and why everyone hates you so much. Seriously though, good work on the radio show and cross-branding. But maybe, just maybe, you could fit in some actual player personnel work in between snarky comments about Jason La Canfora and all of your creepy cackling duties.
That fucking putz.
Oh yeah, one other thing from the show. A caller asked a question about USC’s star linebacker, and surefire top-ten pick, Rey Maualuga and our beloved personnel director couldn’t even manage to say the guys fucking name. But hey, don’t blame Vinny, because as he says, Rey (somethingorother) will likely be off the board before the Redskins pick. And as Vinny is surely aware, the Redskins have never been known to trade up in the draft. Thank god this guy is in charge.