The 50th Birthday Roast Of Jon Gruden

08.16.13 4 years ago 20 Comments



Let me just say its a honor to be here celebrating Jon Grudens 50th birthday. Its obvi that Jons made many many friends around the league in his short time here. Looking around the stage tonight I see alot of people I grew up watching on TV, but in all fairness my Dad was somewhat of a Night Court buff. If you know anything about me you know Im a huge fan of the Pigskin, but Im apparently not the only one judging by Warren Sapps stack of empty porkrind bags at his feet. Its called a trashcan Warren, you know the thing where you keep your credit rating.

Warren honestly great to see you. Warren just got inducted to the hall of fame (wait for applause- like 1 guy claps) your too kind Mr. Eisen. Warrens had a rocky life post football, but hes looking forward to the next chapter in his career, Chapter 12.

Jeff Garcias here you talk about the ultimate Gruden Grindr folks. Jeff was a perfect fit for Jons West Coast offense, aka the only San Francisco horizontal play system that fits Jeff better then Craigslists casual encounters folks.

John Lynch is here no offense.

Glad to see Bucs Superbowl MVP Dexter Jackson could afford the bus fare to get here. Dexter you ok? Dexters never going to pawn his Superbowl ring except when hes using it as a chesspiece at his job in the park. Dexter played free safety, the only two words youll hear to describe anyone from Florida less often then “HIV negative.”

But we’re all here to celebrate the 50th birthday of Coach Jon Gruden. As a great football mind Jons known as a Robin Hood in the Urban Communities stealing jobs from the whitest football guys out there like Ron Jaworski and Tony Dungy.

Jons got a face for radio and a voice for telegraphy making his rise to the top a more unlikely success story then the last time Chris Simms wrote a check.

If I could talk about Chris Simms for a second, hes got Kyle Shanahans initials tattooed on his leg folks. Getting your old roomates name tattoed on your body is something you’d expect to see on Michael Vicks lower back fresh out of Leavenworth, but thats ridiculous.

But seriously Jon, we all appreciate you’re enthusiasm as a analyst. Sure you’ve got your catchphrases, in fact the only time Ive heard anyone say “THIS GUY” more often then Jon is when I played “who would you do?” with Kerry Rhodes during the Source awards.

Early in his Coaching career the Raiders traded Jon to the Buccaneers back in 2002 folks. Normally its a kiss of death when Oakland values your career as being worth two 1st rd draft picks, but Jon didnt let that phase him. In fact the next year Jon took the Bucs to the Superbowl. The team mantra that year was “pound the rock” and John brought a big granite rock into the lockeroom, which proved to be a disaster since Keyshawn Johnson kept trying to smoke it.

Folks Jon grew up in Sandusky, Ohio I mean come on. I guess its true what they say you can take the boy out of Sandusky but you can never take Sandusky out of the boy no offence.

THIS GUY Jon Gruden I like to call him the Faith Hill of the Monday Night Football intro on account of his pants are to tight and his legs being to wide open, and the only people who like listening to his opinions have “She Thinks My Tractors Sexy” listed as qualification’s on their resume. THIS GUY Jon Gruden I like to call him the Elvis Presley since he stole a black guys creation to make a name for himself then he got fat and will coast off 2 years of actual work for the rest of his life. THIS GUY Jon Gruden I like to call him George Bush since hes a conservative playcaller  +gives his highest ranking defense positions to old guys who havent worked since the Regan administration. THIS GUY Jon Gruden, I call him Barack Obama since hes better at talking about his job then doing it. THIS GUY Jon Gruden I call him Bill Clinton since hes got a screwup brother and spends all his freetime touching himself to film of 19 year olds.

THIS GUY Jon Gruden I call him a living treasure and a true hero of the NFL and a great ambasador to the Shield. Thanks and Godbless Mr. Gruden happy 50th birthday. Godbless America.

(Thunderous applause Jon and I hug each other, Jons wife gives me a openmouth kiss on the cheek and whispers something to my ear its on for later Im going to bang her probably)

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