The Sad Life Of Marty Schefter

03.13.13 5 years ago 32 Comments

Marty Schefter: Hey dad, it’s Marty.

Adam Schefter: Ravens safety Bernard Pollard tweets that he’s done with the Ravens.

Marty: No, dad, this isn’t Twitter. I’m texting you. This is your son.

Adam Scheter: Bills have interest in former Raiders receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey.

Marty: WTF! Dad, I’m trying to talk to you. This is important.

Adam Schefter: NFL Network issues apology to Bill Belichick because of on-air profanity used by Warren Sapp.


Adam Schefter: Bears to release TE Kellen Davis following the signing of Martellus Bennett.

Marty: You know what? I don’t care. I’m only telling you this because we’re family. We left, dad. Mom and I left. We’re staying at Frank’s place. That’s the guy from her CrossFit class she’s been seeing. For the past year. Mom didn’t even order me not to tell you because we both know it won’t matter anyway. It’s not like you’ll come for us. So if you ever make it back home, that’s why we’re not there.

Adam Schefter: HC Rob Chudzinski on new Browns DT Desmond Bryant: “He is a player who possesses very good size and athleticism, attributes which make him very difficult to block.”

Marty: Yeah, that’s what I thought. Be that way. I don’t know how I could have been a better son. For years, I blamed myself and I don’t know why.

Adam Schefter: Tennessee emerges as likely destination for former Jets running back Shonn Greene.

Marty: Why couldn’t I just have a normal dad instead of… whatever you are? I see all these other kids with attentive dads. Fathers who try to share their interests. Who don’t drop their kids off at the mall then don’t remember to pick them up for three months. I even envy my friends whose fathers left when they were kids. At least they know what they have. I have to torture myself thinking that one day you’ll be a human being again.

Adam Schefter: Jaguars have waived WR Laurent Robinson. Played for Cowboys before signing five-year contract with Jacksonville last year.

Marty: Just so you know, this is gonna be the last time you’re gonna hear from me for a while. Possibly forever. I’ve been getting counseling. It’s been a lot of help. My therapist told me it’s best to stop reaching out to you, that it’s clear you’re only going to keep withholding affection and driving me further into depression. He’s absolutely right.

Adam Schefter: Sources indicate Patriots offer to Wes Welker lower than expected. Unlikely to re-sign with team at this point.

Marty: Okay, fine …Hearing deal done with Ed Reed and the 49ers. Agreement in principle. Contract details to come.

Adam Schefter: What’s your source on this?

Marty: OH F*CK YOU!

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