One of the most important developments in the NFL this off-season was Brad Childress’s decision to grow a beard. With the simple act of not shaving, he swiftly eliminated one of his biggest criticisms: that he believes in Tarvaris Jackson looks like Gerald McRaney. But not Gerald McRaney in a tough-but-loving Marine officer way. More like Gerald McRaney as the villain in a Lifetime movie. The paleness, the male pattern baldness, the glasses, and most especially the mustache really made you feel like “Childress” was a surname shortened from “children undressing.”
This was Childress last year:
Scary, right? The only thing Photoshopped in that picture was the outdoors and the playground. The original photo was taken in his vast underground kiddie-rape dungeon [Ed. Note: not true. His kiddie-rape dungeon is in the attic.].
But the beard gives Childress some gravitas. He almost looks distinguished. He’s like an English professor at a community college now:
Now instead of leering at children, he’s leering at Michelle, the chubby 20-year-old single mom who got pregnant in high school. I can totally see him mailing in his lectures and making the symbolism in The Scarlet Letter even more boring than it already is. And encouraging Michelle to come by his office hours and discuss how she might be able to improve her grade, heh heh heh.