(Monday morning, Jets headquarters)
Mark Sanchez: Hey, Leon!
Leon Washington: Yo.
Sanchez: Who we got on the schedule this week?
Washington: Looks like… New England. Pats coming in.
Sanchez: Oof. The Pats? Damn. They’re tough.
Sanchez: What do you think the game plan’s gonna be?
Washington: Don’t worry about it. Coach Ryan got it taken care of.
Sanchez: Hey, where is Coach Ryan?
(door flies open)
Rex: HOW THE FUCK YOU GUYS DOIN?!
(swipes Sanchez’s PowerBar, takes bite, throws rest in the trash)
Everyone: Hey, Coach.
Rex: Oh, I’m sorry. Didn’t know I stumbled into THE PUSSY CONVENTION! I asked you all HOW THE FUCK YOU’RE DOIN’?!
(cranks GNR on the locker room stereo)
Everyone: HEY, COACH!
Rex: Okay. First order of the day: NICKNAMES. Sanchez, from now on your name is Chimichanga.
Sanchez: I thought my nickname was Dirty.
Rex: It’s both! YOU DIRTY FUCKING CHIMICHANGA! You get laid last night, son?
Sanchez: Well, I don’t wanna kiss and tell…
Rex: OH! OUR LITTLE ROOKIE GOT HIMSELF SOME SWEET NOOKIE!
(gives Sanchez noogie)
Washington, your nickname is Tiny, because you’re fucking small. Keller, your nickname is Pussymangler. Ferguson, your nickname is Da Brick. And I got a special nickname for our opponent this week: FAGGOTS! YOU’RE PLAYING THE NEW ENGLAND FAGGOTS!
Sanchez: What’s the game plan, Coach?
Rex: Well son, we’re gonna go six DB’s against these guys. We’re gonna sit back, force them to drive down the field. We’re gonna lay off the blitz, and we’re go with straight umbrella coverage.
Rex: Nah. I was just fuckin’ was ya. WE’RE GONNA FUCKING MUTILATE THOSE FUCKERS! KILLLLLLLLL!!!!!
Rex: We’re blitzing every play! I’m bringing the house, boys. Actually, FUCK THE HOUSE. WE’RE BRINGING THE WHOLE GODDAMN BLOCK. You’re blitzing too, Dirty Chimichanga!
Sanchez: But I play offense.
Rex: WHO GIVES A JUMPING FUCK? I want EVERY GODDAMN PLAYER ON THIS SQUAD READY TO FUCKING KILL!
(hands out bayonets)
(straps Belichick dummy to tackling sled)
LET’S GO. FUCKING KILLLLLLLLLLL IT!
(everyone stabs it)
Good. That’s good fucking work, boys! Next order of business: Bounties! Any you fellas know this Adalius Thomas? $50 TO THE MAN WHO FUCKS HIS SISTER AND BRINGS ME A SNAPSHOT OF HER NAKED! Everyone who doesn’t is fined $1,000. You guys! I’m so fucking jazzed for this game. WE’RE GONNA RAPE ‘EM! AND THEN WE’RE GOIN’ TUBING!
Sanchez: Snow tubing or water tubing?
Rex: PUSSY TUBING! Next order of business: Brady’s knee. Now, that fucking dipshit was wearing a brace last night. Keller, I want you to sneak into Brady’s hotel room the night before the game and carefully remove the screws from that brace.
Keller: Uh, isn’t that illegal?
Rex: Goddamn right it is. THAT’S THE BEST PART! Tear that asshole’s leg in half and I’m taking all of you out for STEAKS AND BLOWJOBS!
Next order of business: Shit talking. MANGOLD, I saw a picture of your sister on the COMPUNET! There’s a woman who could take a punch! HEY DA BRICK! How many a these sausage patties you think I can eat in five minutes? YOU WANNA THROW DOWN? Any you homos ever punched a gay? They make the funniest sound. Here, I made it my cell phone ring!
Sanchez: Coach, can we have story time today?
Rex: Maybe later in the week. Right now, I have to call this 49-year-old skank I know to show up at Belichick’s door the night of the game and suck that man’s cold white dick! BUT NOT BEFORE I GET A TASTE OF HER!
Men, lemme tell you something. Everyone’s calling us underdogs on Sunday. Well, THERE ARE NO FUCKING UNDERDOGS IN THIS LOCKER ROOM. YOU ARE FUCKING WINNERS. YOU ARE FUCKING WINNERS AND AFTER WE DISMEMBER THESE FUCKERS WE’RE ALL GOING ICE FISHING. WE’RE GONNA KILL, FUCK, AND DRINK. THAT’S HOW A REX FUCKING RYAN TEAM OPERATES. YOU THINK I’M GONNA GET OUTCOACHED BY SOME HERMIT IN A FUCKING SWEATSHIRT? FUCK THAT TEAM, FUCK THEIR FAMILIES, AND FUCK THE WORLD. ARE YOU WITH ME?!
Rex: GIMME A FUCKING HELL YEAH!
Everyone: FUCKING HELL YEAH!
Rex: Jesus, I’ve got to take a monster shit!
(tucks box of donuts under arm, walks to bathroom)
Sanchez: I love that man.
This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.